i wonder why...

people don't say what needs to be said...why men don't talk...why because of one thing which cannot be said, an entire conversation comes to a stop and two people just sit like zombies...their heads talking continously to each others but their lips not moving at all...

i wonder why...one small disagreement, or maybe one big disagreement washes away all the agreements that their were...why we give so much importance to one small thing...so much that it takes priority to everything else.

wonder why we can't live a more disjointed life, where everything is so connected, that with one negative thing, we convert everything into a negative...

wonder how illogiacally our head thinks or our heart feels that one fight makes us forget all the good times spent.

wish our hearts and heads were more chamberised...i would put all the negatives in one chamber, and stop the blood supply to it...!

well i wish...i wish we could talk more freely....and not let this one small make words get stuck like lumps in our throats...i wish...

abstract post...later.

btw, the couple fighting in the bus below...was exactly this, so much being said, but the lips were not moving at all...!

to the glorified paperweight...

2 years now...and this has been my best gadget ever. a constant companion, useful for everything...the swiss knife of gadgets, now reduced to a paper weight, a super intelligent one at that though

i bought it in NY, was the first to in my group, and big group at that. Bought from the 5th avenue apple store, at 12 in the night on a spur of the moment decision. And most importantly without knowing if would be able to unlock it. So basically i bet $400 on this...but man, never did i expect such returns.

we spent the next three days unlocking it...me and sirji, well sirji did almost everything, but I helped out. Everything done (and here everything is basically a 39 step guide, to jailbreak and unlock and later virginise it as well, making sure you don't brick it!!!), we needed to test it. And to get the sim out needed a pin...and an india sim. Woke up two girls at one in the night..got shouted at but got both the sim and the pin, and voila it worked.
Btw one of the two, the termperamental but loving cancerian named it 'a glorious paperweight' on this blog...

30 odd were bought between 60 of us...i carried three in my cargo pockets.

it became a constant companion...was always there attached to my waist...with the earphones snaking out to my ears...and it was there when i had my accident. i remember opening my eyes, and the first thing i saw was it sliding away, at that moment seemed like it was floating away from me. with all my injuries i was more worried about it...it got more bruised then i did, mine atleast got healed, it still has the deep scars over its back, scars which make it special and different, and tells people that its lived a full life. scars which also gave it a much needed grip...i don't have to hold it tightly anymore...

and then function by function it started dying...the virbrating part first...thanks to sirji and his horribly misdirected kick meant for my butt...and then the dead spots. started with 'p' and 'l' and the 'x'. o was the new p in my dictionary...Prachi was saved as orachi...priyanka as oriyanka!!! it was upgraded and virginised, not once but repeatedly...and it got scarred, and started complaining. the 'send' on the msg UI died...when i wanted to send a hundred msg's a day...

and then it became a cranky old guy...sending messages and making calls on its own, from a touch phone it became a hover phone...no need to touch any more, and then finally, today, its a wind sensitive phone. just put it under the fan, and it will start making calls, changing screens.

today it cannot be unlocked, and it cannot be switched off...an entire strip on the right hand side is dead...

but it still is legendary, my iphone. it still evokes conversations everywhere...it still gets me interested looks...it still makes me look with interest...

the iphone has to be the best gadget ever made...a game changer and a conversation starter. an evolving platform, which has the potentail to provide every function required...and more. it already is...anyone who doesn't agree, who still think there are other comparable phones...nothing comes even close.

this is for my iphone...i might have given up on you...but you will always be there with me, and i will try to keep you alive as long as possible....

long live the iphone!!!

feel like blogging

not a really good title is it...was bloggin in a bus sometime back on my BB, mailed it to myself.

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One of those times where you really wanna blog but don't know how.
Am in a bus going to the airport to pick up dad, first time we will be spending alone time ever.
There's a couple sitting opposite to me, at some distance though..have a very cute baby. Good looking couple, both belong to each other. Well this would explain better, remember phoebe telling chandler, you see all these great looking girls with nothing guys...you could be that. Well this is not one of those couples.
But sth's wrong. They just had a fight or are at a very uncertain place, sth like that. fight meaning argument kinds, uncertain place meaning came to know something they didnot prepare for, were not ready for and so are still digesting the fact. looks like the first though, are not talking to each other, but they steal these glances at each other with the bahana of looking at the baby. Quite cute.
Its like they both wanna talk, have so many things to say, but pehla kaun walla funda hai...the husband has this totally blank expression on his face, as if he trying not to think at all. the lady, pretty lady, keeps on getting these expressions on her face, she is thinking it over, scenes flashing in her head, and her reaction to the scene can be seen on her face. it lights up when she feels love, and she purses her lips when feeling guitly...
The baby is cute..just sitting in her father's lap, and has her chin supported with a finger, well not really but from a distance looks like that. Under the circumstances is a very appropriate pose and quiet funny too...
Ah just started talking, the girl said sth to break the ice. Well its gonna get over soon...
I miss fighting... :-(
Yup they r back... :-)
Later...

fair vs equal...

went through a training the other day, inclusive something, was about how to live in diverse environments...was one of those very lectury kind of trainigns, a lot of gyaan giving.

anyways the trainer was an african american, why i mention this, well because during the training he made many refrences to his color, it seems like that was one of the major factors in his life, one of the things which had shaped his life...anyways was kind of funny. he was the kind who knew exactly who he was, and what people perceived him to be....while giving his introduction, he told us about his family, four sons, eldest 33, even his wifes name. one, i was surprised, mostly people don't introduct their families, mostly just who they are, and at the most 'am married, with three kids'. don't know if its a cultural thing about african american's but they always seems more integrated and emotional about their families.

second, he didn't look like he had a 33 year old kid...he looked very young, well surly not 50+. and he knew it, when he saw someone staring at him, he just non chalantly said 'yes i am that old'.

so anyways, somethings said in the training that i noted down...

fair vs equal - what would you rather be? fair or equal, treat everyon as they deserve, or treat everyone equally. i would treat everyone fairly, but make sure that at higher level i am equal as well.

a quote - 'hard to get an idea from an echo' , not sure about the origins.

a question which has always bothered me, should you charge a premium for first to market or for an innovation, it makes sense when you take medicines as an example.

there was game about predictive thinking...well i didn't have any, simply because i was slow at thinking...but that save me from making a fool of myself. so guessin slow is not bad always.

same as ignorance is bliss...

i loves this - what you ignore becomes more, what you tolearte takes over, what you challenge can be changed...

also we too often sell and not deliver feedback. its so true, while giving a feedback, we try to make sure that the other person actually agrees with us. well feedbacks are mostly critical in nature, how can you expect someone to accept it without question.

a question he asked, a party is being organised, but none of the attendees know each other, what can the host do to make sure everyon mingles, is comfy with each other and fun....

and i jotted down on my notebook without thinking - get booze...:-)

well anyways, thats that. have things to write in the PS...

PS: the moment i started typing this out, the power went off...seemed like a sign, but then its just a post, big deal....

i still raise my hand in such lectures et al when to ask / answer a question. indian education system???, well not really, just don't want to break the flow of the thought of the instructor, don't want to be an interruption.

and apologise for the title...if you thought it was gonna be a deep thoughtful handling lifes basic questions kinda post!!!

quit...

for now atleast. long time back, when i started, i wrote this. justifying it. i re-read what i wrote, and even today i agree with it. more so then i used back then actually. then ofcouse the logical question, why quit???, something i have been asking myself since i did, which is about half an hour short of 21.5 days. yes yes, those who quit keep count, in days and hours and minutes...its a big life changing even u see.

well why, i'll come to last. how did i do it, and what helped me do it, that now.

i always used to tell people, those who cared and insisted on me quitting, that i will when there is something to fill up the vacumm in my head. so is that sth here now...well.

anyways how, two ways you can quit, regulator method or the switch method, either keep on reducing it slowly till you can give up completely, or just give up, one shot, abruptly. i tired the first, but then i would slowly go from 4 to 2...and then turn it up to 5 and stay there for sometime before starting again. going on for some time, and then one fine day, night actually, i just lit one, and well promised someone this will be my last for the next 24 hours. stuck to the promise, although was looking forward to a long deep drag after 12 midnight, thankfully, luckily, i didn't have any on me, neither did my friend, and so i though, well thats a sign, lets just give up. and i did. for how long, i don't know.

anyways so my point is, if ur weak willed like i am, give up at one shot, and basically put the switch to off. what ever justification ur heart give you...make sure your head always says no. thats what i did, however logical the justification feels, i basically without thinking say no. have decided i will stick to the no for sometime atleast. lets see. when will i know, people give me all kinds of time lines...if you haven't by the 8th day, you have quit. not true....till the smokers cough goes away, well mines gone already and no, not true. personally i think second day is the toughest, you get beyond that, its not very difficult. just a little self control or just a bull headed resolved not to turn on the switch. when do you know whether u have quit and are beyond it...i don't know really. but i have decided not to till i know that i won't till i don't take its support every time i have to think or i am in a bad mood, or some small problem hits me, or my harmony is disturbed.

hope that happens soon, because i so wanna....

anyhoo...that was how, after effects....is it worth it. well depends on who ur. if you the kind of person who wants to live a long healthy boring life, surely, if ur the one who wants to live an exciting happening experience everything to the fullest even if for a short life kinda life, then nooooo....;-)

i am the second kind, but still i quit.

does it help, well yes you do start feeling more healthy, better sleep, more fresh through the day,more energy even, better metabolism, i think more stamina as well...but more then anything, far more then anything, no guilt. no guilt that you are killing urself, that you are hurting people who care for you. and ofcourse the pride that you have the self control, the will to give up the biggest of all vices, the one thing which chemically makes you happy...which gives you more satisfication then anything else. well wrong, love does it more, but in its absence...

the bad thing, all your freaking associations go for a toss. coffee doesn't taste so good, the rain hitting ur face doesn't refresh you as much. the conversations don't seem interesting enough, thoughts don't seem deep enough...and alone time, well you loose the only company which was your company when you were alone, which made alonetime so much fun. i hate it. i still have given up. why is one question i ask myself everymoment.

why...someone asked me, and i wanted to prove to myself that i can, that i have the will to do it. just that, nothing else.

i have not only given up smoking...i have given up a lot more. its like a part of me is dead, its so much in my core....

on a personal note, everyone since time immortal assumed that i do. every new city i have gone to i have been offered one, when i refuse, i get a shocked look and am told, you look like a smoker....well i thought, if everyone already thinks that i smoke, why not....and it came very naturally to me. making it sound like an achievement, but yea, i loved smoking, still do.

well anyways long long post, which is totally contradictory to one of my premises, i won't be able to blog without one in my hand...well lets see how many more of these assumptions are washed up... : )

take care.

PS: its called quitting...and i used to say its so true, ur quitting a battle, a battle to live the way u want to, on ur own terms. ur loosing a battle. but then, quitting itself is a struggle, its not easy. so you quit bothways, either u quit smoking or u quit the struggle to give up smoking. both ways you loose something. the best solution, like most things, don't start. because once you start, whether u stop or not, ur gonna loose out both ways. with or without...!

i personally like the 'i gave up smoking'...it tells you that i actually lost out something which was dear to me, and i should be molly coddled for it...quitting just sounds so degrading.

later....

unITing Bangalore...

when i first came to this city, i was so impressed with it in the first month, i posted this. i titled it bangalored, meaning i was floored by this city. was flattered by the city which was and is so beautiful, it had and has so much to offer.

over a period of time i met many who called them selves bangaloreans, people who had lived here for long, for whom this city was their's by default, by birth. people who used to talk about the old bangalore, the garden city, the pub city, the city which had a small town charm, the city which had amazing weather, and nice people.

and the city which now has been corrupted by us 'the outsiders'

by nature i never defend, but i always used to sarcastically joke about it, thinking in my mind, why are we being blamed???

and today i understand...

we, the outsiders, never adopt the city, we only consume all that the city has to give, never giving anything back. we are not concerned about the environment of the city, not about the social cultural issues the city is facing, about how our loudness has degraded the calm of the city,

all most of us do is complain...there are so many power cuts, the weather is changing, the traffic polices targets vehicles with out of state registrations, the rickshawallas favour the locals and on and on...

well why should we, we have come to a city and are changing the city as per our requirements, but not the other way round, we don't adopt the ways of the city, we don't learn the local language for the sake of fitting in, only a few words here and there which get us by, we don't understand the traditions and the culture, we either ignore it, living our own lives, or we change it a bit to suit us.

we break rules, traffic lights, no parking, and then when our vehicles are towed, we complain, trying to find the holes in the system...but we are the one's who broke the rules in the first place. we litter the place, talk in the IT fashion...call elders by first names, shout at public places, roam around drunk...and then we complain. (btw i don't do all of these, some for sure, but surely have seen people doing it)

forget giving back, we are not even thankful about what the city is giving us.

at a hospital, in front of an ICU, a doctor gave me half an hour sermon about how the IT crowd is not respectful, does not know how to talk, doesn't know how to live in a city. they live in a cocoon of their own, as long as it doesn't affect their lives, they don't really care. and at the point i was offended, but today i am apologetic.

imagine what would happen, if we, the outsiders conquer all cities in the country, every city will have just one culture, the culture of 'i don't care', 'chalta hai', and the culture of everyone complaining. the original culture of the city will be lost, and then there will be no identity of the city.

why are we like this, i surely was not like this when i arrived. i used to care, never used to litter, wouldn't break rules unless required, but after two years here, my attitude has become casual, easy money or no one to question me, don't know the reason, but i have.

well we are a always in a transient state, never knowing how long will we be here, and then move there...so whats the point of giving back. just come, use and leave. and more then anything, we, with our fat paychecks, and easy money, are very materialistic. as long as our paychecks are arriving, we don't really care.

time to change, if we can't give back, atleast lets not destroy what is present. lets respect the city, the culture of the city, adopt it as it has adopted us.

no more littering, or breaking rules for me. and trying to give back. i still won't learn the language, because i am not good at it, but i surely want to now.

take care.

PS - unITing - for the lack of a better word, reducing the bad effects of IT crowd on Bangalore.

everyone compromises...

had this long free wheeling discussion with pi yesterday...and she made a statement...everyone compromises.

well yes everyone does...but please don't compromise at everything... don't you want to have that one thing, that one dream that u don't want to compromise on...something which u might or might not achieve...but have pursued all ur life with an unwavering focus. maybe an ideal, maybe a person, maybe somethign materialistic, money even. but nothing, has changed ur dedication towards it.

that one thing which at the end ur proud off...even though pursual of which has made ur life tough, maybe even, not worth living, but then at the end of it, atleast u have something to be proud of. something for which u can say, well life lost out to me at this...

its difficult, over a lifetime, life makes u compromise on everything one by one, and at every such point, that small defeat kills the fighter in you, it makes u start accepting life as it comes. the chalta hai attitude starts coming in, the big deal re attidude. and slowly and surely, you start turning into a robot, because u stop caring really.

after compromising on a whole lot of things, today am holding on to one thing, i told pi yesterday and i tell myself everday, i will fight as long as i can...and she asked me too...

lets see, time will tell.

take care.

ank

PS : watching serendipity...belongs in the setions on the right but its a beautilful movie...talks about fate and luck and signs...something i believe in and have seen in my life. also realised that maybe you should be looking for them to actually see them. anyways nice movie...

idae for an reality tv show...

there is this new show on ndtv goodtimes...which is one of the few channels showing actually good stuff...and the anchors look intell..anyways the show is ...and kate and 8...a show about this couple who have two 6 years olds and 6 two years olds...its their tagline. i remember that when the couple had this sixtuples (there is some other words but this is the logical word), there were worries how they would support such a big family. guess the money they are getting from this show would help. but then the thought that i have had for long, which i actually though, i should suggest to some intell channle like ndtv is...why not have reality shows where you actually describe the life of common people. pick up anyone, a house help maid, a rag picker, a carpenter, a security gaurd, a rickshaw driver, a female bus conductor, people who are not profiled otherwise, who don't have 'interesting for a tv show' kinda happening life, pick them and profile one week in their life. make it interesting, simply by compressing maybe a year or a phase into one week, thats fine.

it seems their life is uninteresting...but once u look deeper, u know their cirumstances and how they hand them is so much more interestng then the usual high profile buisnessmen and actors and politicians...

i once started chatting with a rickshaw driver, was going somewhere late at night, he was a muslim, i asked him how come he is driving so late, and his flat answer, i get 1.5 times, so in less time can make up the same money. plus their is no traffic, its less safe, but i can handle that. and then he told me about his family and stuff...was fun, but more then that, i really wanted to share his story with others. it was remarkable in its own way.

and then there is this rag picker lady, who follows a schedule everyday, and once in a while wears this flaming red kurta but would never wash her head. she hair the kind which has not been washed for ages...and she loves watchign TV. there's a pic of her here....

am wondering if i have written this before!!!

arranged marriages...

its an oxymoron for me, arranged marriage. marriage i always have believed is after love, well actually i truly believe that marriage is not even necessaary. being in love is the only necessity. you might be miles apart, but still can be together. its the thought, the feeling of having someone somewhere which is more important, methinks.

anyways, back to arranged marriages. they are unnatural, they are weird and they are something i cannot get into my head. people say, and i have been told umpteen times, the concept of arranged marriages has changed in india now, now its not that your parents meet, decide on a match, you get to meet once if at all, and they you marry, and u fall in love...hopefully. if you don't, live it, because ur married and ur have committed to it. well thats simply making two people live under the same roof by force, not by their will, and after sometime they are resigned to their fate. and then finally once they have given up, they get used to it, and a habit is formed. i call it love by habit....its not love, its just a habit you form...

no no no...arranged marriages have changed, now you get to meet the girl / guy before hand, you get to gauge them, you get to know 'em, you get to connect with 'em, you get to find out your compatibility with them. Bull shit.

its still the same, yes you get to meet them before hand, but its so unnatural. its awkward, you are not urself, and neither is the other person. you are looking for things, you already have set your standards, what you want and what you don't want, and so you miss out on what you might get. there are always the practical things coming in your head, how much money does he make, does she look good enough, will he/she care for my parents...you gauge all of this through a QnA session. and answers never tell the whole truth.

when you fall in love, its always by accident, u never expect to fall in love with a person, it just happens, sometimes without you even knowing about it. you like the good things, but you don't question the bad things. you just fall in love, practical things don't come in, its just ur heart thinking, ur head doesn't come into the picture for a long time, and the third body part for a longer time, hopefully...

love is always pure, both the good and bad are pure, from the heart, natural. arranged marriage is just unnatural.

i always rememeber that scene from Hyderabad Blues, where the to be couple are sitting on the couch, staring at the floor. and that i juxtapose with that new coca cola ad with aamir khan, where a couple gets their parents to meet. i like the movie, but i would any day prefer the ad situation.

this is a putting it out there post...enjoy!!!

btw some terms that make sense, arranged love, love by habit.

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attended a debated on 'arranged marriages work afterall...'the after all part makes it really interesting. this was followed by thoughts shared by which were kinda different and made a lot of sense and got me thinking...

so for the sake of a debate here are some thoughts...

so there are two perspectives right...one if u can't find anyone..or rather never have been exposed to something like love...have never really been attracted to someone, then yes arranged marriages are a good option. The only option, and this is something that’s no there in western countires. But then how you can go through 20 odd years without being attracted to someone is a mystery to me. arranged marriages u stability, security which u might not find other wise. agree with the its a union of families...and that is there by default in arranged marriages point. You get a social support, because as far as the society is concerned you are aligned with what they expect you to do, but that’s not the right reason for arranged marriages. If society can’t accept love marriages, its their problem. and yes, love marriages work is a falllacy, a couple who got love married recently told me that love last a month, after which it is like any other marriage, u compromise there as well, the only different is that here you are more ready, surprises / shocks are less. Even if you fall in love (which btw is not love but more of an acceptance) everything new makes u question, was it the right decision, and then u feel resigned to ur fate, ‘ah well this is what I get’ and then if ur one of those (cough cough) girls who think ‘we’ll change him’ u start the painful process of chain someone....

arranged marriages are good in one way, you put in more effort to make it work...with love marriage, since it is a choice u have made, it’s easier to walk away then putting in the effort. Of course if you’d know the pain after walking away, then u would never walk away...

love is different, accidental and very illogical in the sense, u really don’t know what u like, its just a feeling u get...and so nothing else really matters. Even if it does after some time, you accept it, it’s a haq kind of a feeling...

after 20 years of marriage I don’t think anyone really remembers if it was a love marriage or arranged one, they seem to be the same. On surface and in the depths...ur both just living together. But then for me it’s very frankly an ego thing...no compromises, at least in this.

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take care.

you do / think / use something for long enough and you start getting more out it then its supposed to give...listen to a song over and over again, and it starts making more sense, gives more meaning then i should. you see it in a different light. 

rock on was a beautiful movie, a movie about how you have to give up your dreams, but also about how you get second chances, just have to take them. a movie about how if not following ur dream, you would never be esctactic, you might be happy, but you would never laugh loud enough...anyways the movie starts out with college going guys, and this song captures one of their biggest problem...they don't really care, which means they don't ever question anything. the chalta hai attitude, the kya faraq padta hai attitude...and mera kya jaata hai attitude...  

lyrics here. a couple of lines given below:

behti kyun hai har nadi 
hoti kya hai roshni 
barf girti hai kyun 
dost kyun hain roothte 
taare kyun hain toot-te 
baadlon mein bijli hai kyun 

everyone wants to get fired, no one wants to quit though...

seems everyone around me has gotten bored of their jobs...they all are unsatisfied. not that the jobs are bad, but they want more..! its become too mundane, too usual. same issues, same talks, not moving forward. 

with the recession, there have been a lot of firings all around, and most of us have at one point or another lived in fear of getting fired. but inside, everyone had this hope that they might get fired, it will give them a chance of starting something new, and if they fail, they would have the bahana of saying, what could i do, i had to. 

none of us right now have the balls to quit and start our own thing, either the time is not right, or the risk profile is too high, or simply, the drive is not there, or too weak to take such an extreme step. 

i read that one thing which stops entrepreneurship is the job we do, there is a security of getting that x grand everymonth in your bank, there is the predictability to life. it comes down to inertia again. 

starting slow doesn't really work, u hardly get the time, after job and the quota of fun which is necessary everyday to get over the job....

anyways hoping that some do quit and take the plunge...success doesn't really matter after that. 

short quick post...

chalo later.

IPL and Elections

I am not into politics, don't like it, don't really understand it, and there fore don't follow it. and i have this thing that i will never vote, or get a voter's id card made for myself, because i don't think there are any candidates i want to vote for. fact is, i am unaware about the candidates and i don't even make an effort to find out. so the excuse given for not voting is just that, an excuse. and i think for a long time it has been an excuse for many.

anyways i do have an opinion about who i would like to see running this country or rather what qualities those who run this country should have. 

how does IPL come in to the picture, well I, for once, really felt strongly when IPL was moved out of the country because of security concerns, or rather, because our country of 1 billion, with the third largest armed force, and 7th largest economy by size, couldn't provide security to two big events. it is a shame. and a blot on the face of congress. I would have made sure both events would have happened, even if my armed forces had to stretch, even if i had to break some rules.

The headlines in TOI that morning summed it up, IPL becomes NRI-PL. there was also this conversation I overheard, people questioning whether we really need the elections. It was funny and sad. 

Congress has always been perceived as a week and meek party, and with this, they surely proved it. During kandahar, i don't think they would have reacted any differently from BJP. But i would still want congress to come to power, why, well because i am one of those Gandhians who believes in socialistic progress, where every gets a fair chance, and if someone can't grab that chance, you pick them up and carry them along, even if u have to slow down. As long as you are moving, its fine, you don't leave anyone behind. 

and thats how Congress thinks, they want progress for everyone, an equality, or atleast a country tending towards equality. It comes out because of their history, they are the ones who won us our freedom, and that came out of principles gandhi and nehru taught us, non violence, struggle et al. Qualities which took away our country's teeth, so much that even when bit again and again, we can bite back. we are content looking at what pakistan based militants do in our county, but even after being given umpteen oppurtunities to attack them, we don't. 

I like the kind of progress congress has helped us make, the slow and steady progress, because its true, and elephant our size, can't run. if it does, it can't for too long, it will tire out, or loose its mental balance. I like the fact that the economy has been controlled and opened slowly. so that everyone gets a chance and everyone gets time to adjust. a very good example is the retail story in India. or even the Cell phone story. 

Congress also has a history, and any party which has been around for such a long time, has some set values, which have been refined over time, some ethics. BJP is just about building that up now. Congress, i believe also looks at the greater, longer term good, BJP does not. i won't even mention the small time regional parties, they are in just for the present elections, who knows where they will be next time around. 

there will be only two reason i would support BJP, one is that they do seems to have guts, balls, atleast modi does, and that is exactly the second reason, if modi becomes prime minister, then maybe yes. ofcourse there are conditions attached, there would have to be a strong leash attached to him, else he will lead to the next partition. but economics wise, action wise, speed wise, i think modi is the right choice for now. for everything, lets give him 5 more years. 

I woul wish congress came into power, and i wish chidambaram would be PM for now. 

ofcouse i won't vote to help make this wish come true.  too cynical (read lazy) for that. i'd rather blog. :-)

take care

ankur

pay it forward...

inspiring little movie...pay it forward. propogates a beautiful idea...do three good things to for three different people everytime someone does something good for you. why, because, even though the world is full of good people, it sucks. its not a great place to live in. so do three good things.

how do you define a good thing, i define is as anything which makes some one smile, it might not show up on their face, but surely there is an imaginary lip in their heads/hearts which parts in a wide smile, or may be there is a dimple formed in that imaginary head cheek. 

in turn, you will smile as well.

and so whats a good deed, giving someone a lift on the way to office is a good deed (without worrying that that person has a needle which he will poke you with and you'll get AIDS, as one of those forwards says, and some people actually believe it), as small as it is. giving a dog biscuits to eat is a good deed, hold the lift for someone, helping someone old with their suitcase is a good deed. you don't need to save the world, just make it a better place for someone. why three...well the movie says so, i don't. do as many as you can. 

who starts...well am sure we all have...and we all are. but still its not that great a place to live in...so i guess talk more about it. inspire others to do more. thats what i am doing here. 

it might sound like sermonizing...but i truly believe we don't talk enough about the good things in life, we talk about crimes and dirty politics and disasters, but we don't talk about the good things people do, the cute things a dog does, those unexpected incidents which make u smile. 

lets talk more about the good things, and lets pay it forward a bit more. 

he he...there is this voice in my head telling me 'phir se gyaan'

take care.

was looking for a link for the movie...and found out so many pages. apparently there is a movement.

PayItForward Movement 

PayItForward Foundation

jim...

its been more the a month since i last wrote...wonder why?

i have written this before, one of the best descriptions of an introver i have heard is that an introver is one who get his/her energy from within. i am one, and have been spending a lot of time now a days with friends. most of my waking hours are around people, friends, colleagues, coffee  wala and random people at the coffee shop and then some more here and there. its been going on for some time now, i have never been truly alone for a long period of time. long enough to get me back to a peaceful state. when ur surrounded by people, you hardly get time to hear what u have to say, most of the time is spent listening to other people, and dealing with small time situations. that harmony that you have with urself is lost. and thats my reason for not blogging now a days, if i don't hear myself, how do i write?

anyways my dog jim is dying...has been for a long time now. he is 16 today, although we don't know his birthdate, i celeberate it the same day as mine, so by that count, he is somewhere between 16 and 17, which in human years is like 80+. dogs are not expected to live beyond 14, and so there was a point in time some years ago, when we as a family started joking around that jimmy to mehman hai, kabhi bhi chala jayega. mom started giving him extra love and care, extra dog biscuits, extra everything. he was scolded less, and taken care off. its been what 3 years now, and sick as it sounds, we still are waiting. some times he seems immortal. he is blind, can't hear, can't stand properly, is daibetic (incidentally dad and jim were diagnosed at the same time, they share medicines and insurance), his hair coat is non existant, his tail is never up and so on....but the dude's spirit has kept him alive. he would sleep 16 hours a day, but you open the fridge, or a can of anything, and he would come running...that was my jimmy. today its changed.

today he has lost the spirit, he doesn't feel like getting up anymore, still looks for food tit bits but doesn't have that zeal to come looking for it. jimmy today just sleeps, and has become distant.  this time around he didn't even recognise me when i got back home this time, and that hurt. just seeing him hurt.

for a long time, we have been discussing euthanasia. mercy killing. who are we taking mercy on? ourselves or jimmy, well both. he is in pain, and sometimes it becomes really frustrating taking care of him.  i always resisted, but then its not i who has to sit besides jim all night long, just to make sure that he sleeps. this time, i suggested it. couldn't see his pain, and couldn't see my parents. my dad being who he is, can't bring his heart to do it, i think in his place, i wouldn't either. time will tell.

letting go of someone you love, even for their good is too difficult. that time immediately after you have let go, its terrible. if u don't have anyone to hold u, its impossible. well, you still survive. as someone said, man can live through anything if there is a strong motivation, or no motivation at all.

also, we always have considered our family size to be 5, mom dad, jim jean, and somewhere, and if lucky, myself.  and jimmy has been a constant companion, a punching bag, and a sounding board. he has been with me through my teens and now...he was the one who would stay awake all night sitting besides me, he was the one who used to bite me, he had that 'hak' on me. could also be because jim knew that he was my favoured dog, the story is that when jim was 5 or something, we go jeanie as a pup, she was this cute little daschund, very notty, still is, and a favourite of everyone. i knew this was gonna happen, and always the rooter (root for...rooter, my english) for the underdog, then weaker being, i decided that jimmy will be favoured by me. and i think, over a period of time he knew that. jeanie, the cute daschund, surely knows it, because she never comes to me when she wants some love, always mom and dad. jim, when he does, comes to me. jimmy was always mine.

can't imagine going home and not having jimmy around. 

later....

ank

choose health..!

Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose fixed- interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing sprit- crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, phishing you last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that?

 A quote from Trainspotting, a cult movie bye Boyle.  Sarcastic in tone...and capturing the essence of what our generation vies for...

 

It’s a paradox...the things we are proud off or the things we want to be known for are the ones which are injurious to us most...smoke, dop*ng, studgiri...et al. all kill, and all are exciting enuf for u to risk killing urself.

Anyways the heading is choose health...and why, well because I started gyming again and also started yoga / breathing excersises again, and its heaven.  Well gyming is painful, but still it made me get up at 6 after ages, imagine my surprise when I looked out of the window and saw total darkness, I used to think sunrise was at 5:45!!! And I got to see dawn, my favorite part of the day, and I got to feel the cool breeze of early morning, and those faint sounds which get totally lost in the 100 mt sprint of the day.  Gyming is gratifying, done in the morning, ur body hurts and u feel u already have achieved something for the day, the day is not gonna be a total waste.  Plus u, ateast I, drink liters of waters, and that cleanses ur body.  The one thing I ask anyone to do to improve the quality of their life, to get somewhere, to get moving, is to exercise in the morning, it is one of those things which kicks off ur day in the right direction, changes ur mood for the better.

then there is the breathing excersises, i used to do those prescribed by ramdev baba, but switched to sri sri ravishankar version, objective of all these are the same, deep continous prolonged breathing sessions. and they work, i rememver a ramdev baba saying that it fill every cell of ur body with oxygen and refreshes every cell.  very true, i have felt it. u feel energy gushing out of u. and u know what, done properly, ur lungs start burning, ur head spins sometimes, and i genuinely think it helps loose weight as well. and know what, with all the lungh cleaning, the drags are deeper, more satisfying. 

And as for feeling like in heaven, that’s yoga.  I have always been fascinated with yoga, my first yoga experience was in 7^th, when I was in a school where yoga was a culture. It was an afternoon school and one day suddenly, before an exam was going to start, there was an announcement that we all were going to some dhyaan before the exam to help us concentrate.  I was so amused, kept my eyes open all the time and was just noticing people and amusing myself, at that point I thought I was cool, today I know that I was too self conscious and scared to close my eyes, I was too afraid of being vulnerable, when I thought I was overconfident and better than others, I was really just scared of what people might think of me. it takes guts to close ur eyes and stand surrounded by people, it takes a level of self confidence which assures u that nothing bad can happen to you, which can overcome ur deepest fears. We do this exercise, stand on one leg, fold the other at knee such that it touches ur bum, and then hold both ur hands out....try balancing, easy, great now close ur eyes.  Still easy, no right. And if u wanna know why, try concentrating on ur thoughts, there will be lots of anxious thoughts, because ur vulnerable. Every small sound, every whiff of perfume (or sweat, it is in a gym afterall), every high note on a song playing will disturb ur balance.

Anyways so that’s how I got started. Yoga, or actually dhyaan, as practiced by many is to close ur eyes, sit in an erect position and then try and concentrate on something, that never worked for me. I chave a shorter then short span of concentration (attending deficit syndorme??!?), can’t sit steady at a place, that too with my eyes closed. Also when I started out, I was more tense about following all the instructions, keep ur eyes closes, sit in padma asan,  body erect, hands on ur knees et al...never could do it. Then realized that any of that doesn’t matter. U can never get to that state if ur thinking of all these things. That state is where u don’t get any thoughts in you head, so how can u get there with all these thoughts there already making house. Where every thing becomes white, u forget everything, nothing concerns u, you don’t consciously notice anything. that state is true dhyaan. And for me that state comes only if i close my eyes, and sit long enough. Anywhere. Anytime. All u have to do is sit long enough. Don’t try and stop the thoughts, just sit, if there are thoughts coming, acknowledge them, or ignore them, ur choice, but don’t force ur reactions. It should be natural. Slowly, and not in that same session maybe, but surely over a period of time, the thoughts will cease to come, and then u start floating.

Yes I have floated, I have felt so light that I actually have tried to hold down my body, wondering many times ‘am I already flying’ . I have seen colors with my eyes closes, brilliant compositiosn of vibrant colors, I have seen those hallucgenic graphics that come with winamp visualizations, and they feel like they are right in front of ur eyes, bright and clear. In that state I can remember every name, every face I have ever met, which otherwise I can never. I can recall incidents which happened ages ago, I get realizations and conclusions which at that point seem so natural, but at other times would have never come. you feel like ur high (yes you do, I know, but don’t tell anyone), you feel at peace.

So much so, that u don’t wanna get out of it, u don’t want to open ur eyes, my body slumps, and I go into a conscious sleep, and it’s the best sleep u can get. Its sadi that 15 mins of that sleep can compensate for 2 hours of regular sleep. And I think it does. Once u open ur eyes, there is ecstatic joy u feel.

Try it, it’s a challenge to get there, but believe me, once u reach that state, u’ll get hooked, addicted. U’d want ur fix everyday, twice maybe. And the good thing about this, it doesn’t harm.  so choose life...start with ur health.

I get so many ideas, thoughts at my coffee shop, you get to observer so much. guessing it’s because its a watering hole for people from many different strata's, many different worlds, and i am at my observing best when sipping on that hot strong coffee and puffing on that cig

There was this old guy, shivering, wearing a bori material shawl, shivering...quite sane, begging. Well don’t know exactly what he was asking me for, was asking in the local language, but then ur conditioned to assume that someone is begging, the clothes, the tone, the folded hands, the expression, anyways he came to me, my nani through my mom has taught me not to give money, instead give something to eat, so asked uncle (the shopekeeper, should ask his name) to give this guy a cup of tea. He started pouring the tea and then just to reconfirm told the guy he was giving tea, and this old dude, shivering as much as he was, said no. and uncle goes...’usa chai nahi daaru chahiye..’ and I smiled.

So after a night of drinking a guy still wants more. Bangalore is full of them, alcoholics who finish a quarter in a gulp, straight up, neat, and then fall right there in front of the seedy, grilled with a small window shop (known as theka in northern part of the country), and they are there all night, in the cold, on the footpath, passed out, sometimes pissing in their pants. And I wonder why?

Suddenly it struck me when a very good friend of mine told me ‘aaj raat party karte hai’ and I asked why, and he goes ‘if I don’t drink it feels weird, need to drink’.  And it struck me...because they don’t have anything better to do, they are not going anywhere. Drinking, partying helps them pass those hours of nothingness, where if they didn’t have the glass or cig in their hands, would be forced to look at their lives, gaze in to the nothingness...and feel unhappy about it.

It’s just an escape from reality, a life of denial.

The second pic is of a ragpicker lady…she has a schedule, and has a job to do. And is very particular about it. Its like any other job, watching the TV playing in the shop, is the usual break that we all take from our mundane jobs. After about 15 mins, she is back to picking up recyclables.

And yes, she is a photographers dream, her look is amazing.  She is the kind who can easily be on the covers of national geographic some day.

On another note, there is another uncle, hardly can walk, his left hand is paralyzed, but comes for a smoke every day. Can’t light the match so the coffee uncle does so for him, smokes a small goldflake, which tells me he has been smoking for a long long time. He always has a scowl on his face, he is angry with the world. He was disappointed some time back, but today he has lost that hope, today he is just angry. I am not good, ur not good kinds. And I feel sorry, not for him but for the world which does this to people his age. Whatever his history would have been, whatever he must have done to deserve being alone at this age, he doesn’t deserve this, no one at this age does. I am always reminded of my dad, who was good all his life,  always worked to give his family a good life, but circumstances washed away his life’s hard work, even after 53 years of struggling, he is still struggling, and is asking, when will I get my dues. When will my life’s work pay up. He is becoming angry with the world. And I am becoming angry with myself.

so can't find a suitable title for this one...but the post is about some movies i saw over the past two three weeks...starting with rab ne bana di jodi...australia...and ghajini.  also the fact that i am watching this 'chicks on flicks' film review show alongside...a show where two (seemingly hot intellectual girls, but i really think its not really their thoughts but a script they are reading from) review a whole lot of flicks...good thing about the show, they review movies from different sources, different genres...so you atleast you get a preview of different movies, but then the reviews are not really good, they are the abstract kinds, where u can't really make any sense of the movie, whether is a good watch, what kind of mood will it go with et al...just a lot of big words and abstract thoughts.

good reviews are by Rajiv Masand on CNN-IBN, very articulate, captures the essence of the movie. he looks from both the film makers point of view, what s/he's thought process was, and whether s/he was able to implement it, and also from the viewers point of view. 

so anyways coming back to what i think about the flicks i saw...

and well i really don't wanna think about ghajini...makes me angry. so much hype...an aamir khan movie and such a disaapointment. nothing in he movie...the story line was just like the preface of a movie...it was never baked, developed. the characters, well Asin's characters was developed quite well...but what was the relevance to the story? Aamir Khan, running Airtel's hindi movie version, and goes to choose hoardings??!?, and wears half sleeve shirts with tie's?  you know what, its like aamir spent 2 years building his superbly shaped body...but it seems like didn't use his brains at all for this movie.

Aamir Khan, since last three four years, actually since he marketed lagaan for oscars, has understood the value of selling a movie, marketing even, but it seems in the process he forgot the ideals he used to make movies by, he seems to be concentrating more on what needs to be shown on the screens for the audience to like it then on what he wants to show the audience.  not good.

rab ne bana di jodi...well frankly coming from adi chopra, this is a dissapointement. nothing wrong with the movie, its a good 2 hour entertainment package, u don't get bored at most points, but from adi chopra, u kind of expect more. u expect something extraordinary, out of the box. and i think its adi chopra's fault, the only really diff movie he's made is DDLJ, which at its time was a classic, but after that, he's marketed products which were not so good as great...and thats built up expectations. as for the movie, refreshing to see mr. SRK doing some acting, but that lasts for abut half an hour, then he is back to the easy acting, the things he is very used to. i really don't see how that is acting, its the same old things he does in every movie...and its not like he can't act, but as he puts it, 'i do roles my directors offer me, if they give me different roles, i do different actors'...very conviniently blamed ont he directors. the new girl, anushkha (how soon do u think the spelling will change to anooska??!?) is good, acts well, looks good. and sounds intelligent.  nice movie to watch...but i think adi chopra should take more risks, should do something different, he has the success and name behind him, so why be so afraid. karan johar is a good example...he is atleast thinking differently, kabhi alvida naa kehna being the point in case, implementation will soon catch up. 

anyways Australia....or Australia, the adult fairy tale as i have been calling it. thats what it is...a land far far away...a princess makes a long journey...goes through some problems...finds her knight in shining armour....they together get over the problems...and everyone lives happily ever after...in the land far far away...thats where it should end...but hey, it doesn't, there is an entire new story after this one...and thats like a hindi movie. nice movie...i believe bas luhrman wanted to showcase the majestic land down under, and he surely was successful in that, thanks to the camera work and lighing. australia is beautiful, and this movie makes that very evident, its a shame that most of it is not explored. 

except for that, its just a big movie, big sets, lotsa money spent but ultimately its just one of the big epic movies. nothing really different. but still a decent watch. entertaining, funny in parts, although at no point does it make u feel sad, most such big movies in some parts do. 

anyways do watch oye lucky, lucky oye, and sorry bhai, the first better then the second, but then the second has Chitrangada singh...after a long time she is back. 

oye lucky because its different, and its has abhay deol who thinks and does things differently. its not very entertaining, but watch it just for how different it is, watch it from the directors point of view, and not the viewers point of view.

sorry bhai...well slow steady, nothing really special, a different story, and some good performances. and chitrangada.  

take care.

PS: i truly believe an idea and its implementation should be appreciated from the ideator / implementors point of view as well, not only by how successful and liked it was in the users/viewers eyes...even ideas which failed...could have been good ideas. could be that the world was not ready for it.

and the pics are from the iphone...thats what i do now a days, take pics from the iphone in a theatre...weird, i know.

new year...

for the lack of a better title...and since its new year, day one of 365 similar days!!!

i have come to know the value of expecting less. of expecting nothing. its the only way to live a happy life, because if u expect less, expect nothing everything is more then what u expected...

i know u must be going duh...

when u don't expect anything of anyone, everything they do for u is like a bonus...life if full of those cherries. it also means never to be disaapointed. and most of us don't have the maturity to take disaapointments, we complain about them, not know that we were expecting more in the first place.

sometimes we fall in the trap of expecations being built up, because someone has been doing something for sometime, being nice to us, giving a rose, we expect we will always be getting the rose. and when it doesn't happen, we complain. but then we humans donot follow the same path, we hardly ever go linearly. its not in our nature, and so doing the same things or better them always is inherently difficult. 

the question comes is, if u can't expect, how can u trust. if i don't expect my loved one to come behave like she always does, how can i ever trust her. well here the epiphany i had...u not only look at what was done for you, but also look at the circumstances around it, what led to it, what was the motive or driver behind it.  maybe the rose was given because someone on the road was selling roses, and he just came across that little girl selling roses...but then does that take away the happiness of getting the rose...no, because atleast he thought of giving the rose. be thankful and happy about that. its easy to look at negatives, but always rewarding if u look at the one postive. 

not expecting anything could be a very ballless way of living, its a way of protecting urself...and something we say when a lot of our expectations are not getting fulfilled. that i assure u is a way of telling ur heart that the world is not very good to you, and so do not expect much out of it.

but when things actually are done for u, and still not expecting anything out of life...life is happier. 

ofcourse the highs are not so high, and the lows are not so low...ur just walking.

long post of nothing...

take care.