quit...

for now atleast. long time back, when i started, i wrote this. justifying it. i re-read what i wrote, and even today i agree with it. more so then i used back then actually. then ofcouse the logical question, why quit???, something i have been asking myself since i did, which is about half an hour short of 21.5 days. yes yes, those who quit keep count, in days and hours and minutes...its a big life changing even u see.

well why, i'll come to last. how did i do it, and what helped me do it, that now.

i always used to tell people, those who cared and insisted on me quitting, that i will when there is something to fill up the vacumm in my head. so is that sth here now...well.

anyways how, two ways you can quit, regulator method or the switch method, either keep on reducing it slowly till you can give up completely, or just give up, one shot, abruptly. i tired the first, but then i would slowly go from 4 to 2...and then turn it up to 5 and stay there for sometime before starting again. going on for some time, and then one fine day, night actually, i just lit one, and well promised someone this will be my last for the next 24 hours. stuck to the promise, although was looking forward to a long deep drag after 12 midnight, thankfully, luckily, i didn't have any on me, neither did my friend, and so i though, well thats a sign, lets just give up. and i did. for how long, i don't know.

anyways so my point is, if ur weak willed like i am, give up at one shot, and basically put the switch to off. what ever justification ur heart give you...make sure your head always says no. thats what i did, however logical the justification feels, i basically without thinking say no. have decided i will stick to the no for sometime atleast. lets see. when will i know, people give me all kinds of time lines...if you haven't by the 8th day, you have quit. not true....till the smokers cough goes away, well mines gone already and no, not true. personally i think second day is the toughest, you get beyond that, its not very difficult. just a little self control or just a bull headed resolved not to turn on the switch. when do you know whether u have quit and are beyond it...i don't know really. but i have decided not to till i know that i won't till i don't take its support every time i have to think or i am in a bad mood, or some small problem hits me, or my harmony is disturbed.

hope that happens soon, because i so wanna....

anyhoo...that was how, after effects....is it worth it. well depends on who ur. if you the kind of person who wants to live a long healthy boring life, surely, if ur the one who wants to live an exciting happening experience everything to the fullest even if for a short life kinda life, then nooooo....;-)

i am the second kind, but still i quit.

does it help, well yes you do start feeling more healthy, better sleep, more fresh through the day,more energy even, better metabolism, i think more stamina as well...but more then anything, far more then anything, no guilt. no guilt that you are killing urself, that you are hurting people who care for you. and ofcourse the pride that you have the self control, the will to give up the biggest of all vices, the one thing which chemically makes you happy...which gives you more satisfication then anything else. well wrong, love does it more, but in its absence...

the bad thing, all your freaking associations go for a toss. coffee doesn't taste so good, the rain hitting ur face doesn't refresh you as much. the conversations don't seem interesting enough, thoughts don't seem deep enough...and alone time, well you loose the only company which was your company when you were alone, which made alonetime so much fun. i hate it. i still have given up. why is one question i ask myself everymoment.

why...someone asked me, and i wanted to prove to myself that i can, that i have the will to do it. just that, nothing else.

i have not only given up smoking...i have given up a lot more. its like a part of me is dead, its so much in my core....

on a personal note, everyone since time immortal assumed that i do. every new city i have gone to i have been offered one, when i refuse, i get a shocked look and am told, you look like a smoker....well i thought, if everyone already thinks that i smoke, why not....and it came very naturally to me. making it sound like an achievement, but yea, i loved smoking, still do.

well anyways long long post, which is totally contradictory to one of my premises, i won't be able to blog without one in my hand...well lets see how many more of these assumptions are washed up... : )

take care.

PS: its called quitting...and i used to say its so true, ur quitting a battle, a battle to live the way u want to, on ur own terms. ur loosing a battle. but then, quitting itself is a struggle, its not easy. so you quit bothways, either u quit smoking or u quit the struggle to give up smoking. both ways you loose something. the best solution, like most things, don't start. because once you start, whether u stop or not, ur gonna loose out both ways. with or without...!

i personally like the 'i gave up smoking'...it tells you that i actually lost out something which was dear to me, and i should be molly coddled for it...quitting just sounds so degrading.

later....

unITing Bangalore...

when i first came to this city, i was so impressed with it in the first month, i posted this. i titled it bangalored, meaning i was floored by this city. was flattered by the city which was and is so beautiful, it had and has so much to offer.

over a period of time i met many who called them selves bangaloreans, people who had lived here for long, for whom this city was their's by default, by birth. people who used to talk about the old bangalore, the garden city, the pub city, the city which had a small town charm, the city which had amazing weather, and nice people.

and the city which now has been corrupted by us 'the outsiders'

by nature i never defend, but i always used to sarcastically joke about it, thinking in my mind, why are we being blamed???

and today i understand...

we, the outsiders, never adopt the city, we only consume all that the city has to give, never giving anything back. we are not concerned about the environment of the city, not about the social cultural issues the city is facing, about how our loudness has degraded the calm of the city,

all most of us do is complain...there are so many power cuts, the weather is changing, the traffic polices targets vehicles with out of state registrations, the rickshawallas favour the locals and on and on...

well why should we, we have come to a city and are changing the city as per our requirements, but not the other way round, we don't adopt the ways of the city, we don't learn the local language for the sake of fitting in, only a few words here and there which get us by, we don't understand the traditions and the culture, we either ignore it, living our own lives, or we change it a bit to suit us.

we break rules, traffic lights, no parking, and then when our vehicles are towed, we complain, trying to find the holes in the system...but we are the one's who broke the rules in the first place. we litter the place, talk in the IT fashion...call elders by first names, shout at public places, roam around drunk...and then we complain. (btw i don't do all of these, some for sure, but surely have seen people doing it)

forget giving back, we are not even thankful about what the city is giving us.

at a hospital, in front of an ICU, a doctor gave me half an hour sermon about how the IT crowd is not respectful, does not know how to talk, doesn't know how to live in a city. they live in a cocoon of their own, as long as it doesn't affect their lives, they don't really care. and at the point i was offended, but today i am apologetic.

imagine what would happen, if we, the outsiders conquer all cities in the country, every city will have just one culture, the culture of 'i don't care', 'chalta hai', and the culture of everyone complaining. the original culture of the city will be lost, and then there will be no identity of the city.

why are we like this, i surely was not like this when i arrived. i used to care, never used to litter, wouldn't break rules unless required, but after two years here, my attitude has become casual, easy money or no one to question me, don't know the reason, but i have.

well we are a always in a transient state, never knowing how long will we be here, and then move there...so whats the point of giving back. just come, use and leave. and more then anything, we, with our fat paychecks, and easy money, are very materialistic. as long as our paychecks are arriving, we don't really care.

time to change, if we can't give back, atleast lets not destroy what is present. lets respect the city, the culture of the city, adopt it as it has adopted us.

no more littering, or breaking rules for me. and trying to give back. i still won't learn the language, because i am not good at it, but i surely want to now.

take care.

PS - unITing - for the lack of a better word, reducing the bad effects of IT crowd on Bangalore.