selfish??

i have been accused of being selfish for quite some time, me always wondering what it meant, not understanding why.
it only dawned on me when i complained to others about them being selfish, and suddenly it realised what it meant to be selfish.

its the lack of empathy for people, thinking about urself always, expecting things all the time.

i have many friends who are great with me when i am good with them, when i am happy they like me, but as soon as i stop talking because of lack of space in my head, they accuse me of forgetting them, and stop talking to me. that is selfish. and i believe that is not a friend but an acquaintance.

humans are selfish, like every being on earth, we just sometimes understand it, and because we do, we are social beings; and because we do, we feel guilty all the time. its the worst feeling of all, and if u realise it, it drives many of our actions.

i have been and still am very selfish, and am guilty of it.

take care.

out of the blue, n leaves u all colored.

there are incidents/happenings/observations which happen out of the blue and leave u thinking, wondering, and give such a sexy concoction of feelings, it takes time to digest, and ultimately leaves u marked in someway.
was standing at the Mayo Hall bus stop near MG, waiting for a bus, and suddenly, a voice in perfect english asked me if i had six bucks. i turned to see a very old guy, in almost a gandhian attire, with one of those black classic chattas (calling it an umbrella just wouldn't do justice to it) hanging from his arm. I looked questioningly, wondering, kind of surprised by someone speaking perfect english, accented to an english proff perfection, and still asking for money and he says " i have to catch a bus, and need six bucks for the ticket. i asked where did he want to go, and he said market (which is where almost 50% of buses of bangalore end up).
as i took out my wallet, he blabbered that he would have walked, but since its raining its difficult. market is atleast 7ks away.

i gave him ten bucks, and he said a nice thank you and walked off, and my gaze followed him all the way to the other bus stop.
had so many mixed feelings, a bit of pity, and a lot of appreciation and some amusement. pity because i know how dignified people are beyond a certain age, and it must have take so much for him to get over his sense of dignity and ask. his voice was so small, almost ashamed. at that moment felt like hugging him, he left me beautiful.

somethings are way beyond expectations. they come totally out of the blue. and banglore seems to be full of them, the guy sleeping at a bus stop with a coil, a total stranger, and an aged one requesting for money in dictionary english, leaves u thinking... 'Expect everything' doesn't work here for sure.

i believe that everyone has their destiny or rather they choose their destiny with their karma, and everyone pays for what they do, at some point or another, but really wish that beyond a certain age, only good things should happen to a person. it goes against the entire karma philosophy that i believe in, but am pretty sure, that u couldn't have lived a lifetime without doing any good in life, and the fruits of those deeds should come when ur beyond a certain age.

everyone keeps on complaining why me, whenever something bad happens, what did i do?? i never did anything wrong to anyone, but then we human can look back just as much as our memories permit, and mostly we rub even that off from our slate, just to keep a good self image, but what ever force there is, it doesn't. it always comes back, and because it comes to us after we have erased our memory slate, we feel cheated, or sometimes undeserving. if only there was instant punishment or instant gratification, we'd atleast feel content and justified. if only...

and i do believe that ones deeds are passed down generations, u pay for what ur ancestors have done, and u also sometimes reap the benefits. i don't know if its justified, can't find a logical rational justification, but it does happen. goodwill is what people and now some corporates call it.

so when we are born, our slate already has stains on it, marks on it, and when we leave, we stain some one else's slate.
i wish we could come and go with a clean slate always, wish genetics didn't play such a huge role.
but then i guess it only causes problems at the beginning and the end, the middle is always u. theres only that long that u can enjoy good will or pay for misdeeds.

Keeps ur senses attuned to the small thing in the world, they are beautiful.

take care.

impatience

why is every one today so impatient, they want everything now, do everything now, why so, r we all dying soon?? or is it that life is a race not a morning walk kind of funda.

in our impatience, we miss out so many things, we miss out the now more then anything. and not only that, we mess up the now many times.

crossing roads, why don't people wait for the lights to turn green, why do pedestrian cross at the first break in traffic, inevitably halting some vehicle or another, causing a jam.

if they would just have waited those extra 40 seconds or so, everyone would have crossed.

why are we so impatient to get the next jump in job, without actually fully accomplishing the one we have right now.

impatience and dissatisfaction.

live now, enjoy the ride, what ever pace it come at. if its going slow, u have more time to enjoy the views, get into the details. stop running so hard. its a long walk, and not a sprint.

take care.

the perfect relationships

long time, didn't have much to say.

A truth that i realised some time ago, and got confirmed by someone else today...

girls keep on searching for perfection, without realising what perfection is for them. satisfaction is something they don't get unless they are tied down, unless they don't have a choice.

guys just wanna be comfortable.

if u have gone through it, u'd know what i am talking about.

take care

one ear, two legs...any suggestions??

was waiting at a bus stand, and bangalore has these rain water drains running below the pavement, with inlets from the road, suddenly out of one of these inlets, a cat, white, emerged n pounced on something. then it dragged itself to a side n sat there.

its legs were crushed, ever had chicken legs, seen the bare bones after chewing off the meat, thats how its hind legs were. and one was broken and dangling at the hip, no paws, just stumps.

one of its ears had been cut off, the other was still standing alert. had injuries on its neck, stomach, and had bruised front leg pits (analogy to armpits), because of the stress it had to undergo dragging itself.

the stumps were dry, the injury atleast a week old, and it was surviving, not too thin.

took it to the animal shelter, first the clinic and then the actual shelter.

doc said might have to amputate both hind legs, and then survival will be difficult. should put to sleep. and i said give her a chance.

practical animal lover, because i have always been pro euthanasia, if the disease is incurable. i have seen and understood the need of dogs been caught by the municipal dog catchers, when other fellow dog lovers used to cry. i knew it was necessary.

but yesterday i couldn't bear to know the fact that i won't survive. was asking the doc to give her a chance, she might survive, reasoning she had survived so long without any help.

the cat kept on crying all the way in the rick, afraid of the speed, very insecure, was hiding her face behind my back, as soon as reached the cattery at the shelter, saw the other cats and was at peace.

am thinking of a good name for her, even if just for a week. hopefully more. one ear, two legs...any suggestions??

a couple was at the clinic with their Alsatian, dead on arrival, its body lying on a strecher. first i though it was under the affect of some anesthetic, never imagined dog deaths. they were crying bitterly, the lady had put her head on his chest and she was crying bitterly. they left soon, took his collar as remembrance, couldn't stand the thought of even looking at him. i almost cried.

life goes on..!

take care.

live more...

walking down a by lane near brigade, today, i saw this old lady with crutches fallen on the footpath, on the opposite side of the road. she was crying bitterly, had bandages on both her ankles. her screams were piercing the cloud of noise, and making people uncomfortable. and i stood there for a second and walked on.

few steps and i saw a dog, a black n grey pom i guess, really bad coat, limping a bit, with a brown collar, most probably abondoned. and i don't know why but i felt more compassion for the dog then for the lady. thought of picking him up, doing something, then suddenly thought what does that say about me, have more compassion for dogs then people.

also was wondering, what drives us to do some good things, have always found me to be totally random, sometimes i do, sometimes i don't. still trying to find out what makes me do what i do in such places.

went to an animal shelter after that, CUPA in bangalore, beautiful place, they take care of all abondoned, sick, injured animals from the street and also help people out with their pets. saw all kinds of dogs in all kinds of situations, a couple who were starved so much, at the widest their chest n stomach were no more then my index finger. one whoes paw had been crushed. one who was so afraid of being tied up, he was pulling his chain with all his strength, people there said he does it always, every day, every second.

some had been so brutalised, u could see the fear for the human stench in their eyes, my friend thought, a dog not coming to him for petting was the dogs attitude, what did he know, it was not attitude but fear.

they all, though, had a spirit to live. they wanted to be petted, n scratched,

and there was still life. there were atleast 50 puppies, all born there, and some were so small, so cute.

n then there was a pug, his hind legs was paralysed, couldn't get up, and was put in a cage. he coudln't get up, couldn't move, all he could do was sit on his hind, and he was hungry, desperate for love. his eyes were gorging out at the sight of us there, he wanted so much love. and i, today felt helpless. for once, i could get over my coldness to feel in my heart. the vet lady, said, almost pleadingly, we r looking for someone who can give 24 hours to him, else he won't survive. and i just stood their. helpless.

was thinking, dogs too have their luck, the hutch pug makes a lac a year, is carried in a lap at all times, n this one is just waiting to be touched, to be petted. he didnot even know how to absorb when we were petting him, wanted more, even when we were scratching him, he was afraid that it will go away, n only if he could collect it in a box and get it out whenever he wanted it.

ever felt like that, when u wanted to capture someones love n care, because u knew it wouldn't be there for long..!

there were a couple of just born monkey kids, afraid at first, n showing off their skills after sometime. cuddling with each other, in their fear n their joy, because they knew there was no one else.

ever felt like that, u become close to someone u don't necessarily like, simply because of the time u spend with them, u start caring, even if u don't love. because thats the only one u can share with, sharing ties the bond.

we are living without any objective today, just living, a conversation a day before, look how firangs live for something more then jsut money n a good life and just plain fun, look at us, living for the weekends.

get over whatever is stopping u, start living.

live more. i want to...

take care.

the great indian aerosmith show!!!

Indian Ocean is far better, atleast u don't feel like they are doing a favour by coming here n putting up a show. because thats exactly how aerosmith felt like. 1800 bucks down the drain, would have been totally wasted if it was not for the b'lore crowd.
and indian ocean doesn't feel like a show, a very managed planned out show. aerosmith came out rocking, their was no build up, no usual up and downs in the tempo, what was there was a very managed show, where the contract ruled how many songs, and above that which songs.
they didn't sing the crowd fav, well indian crowd fav's but played some of their new album songs expecting the crowd to sing along. should have studied the market and come. at the end of it, we, select few were almost begging them to play some more, but were left feeling cheated and shouting abuses.

one of my friends pointed out, that all these bands come to india only at the fag end of their careers, when no one is listening to them in the states or europe, when will a nelly furtrado or an eminem come here??

don't think it was a waste of money, bangalore crowds were there to watch, and it is a beautiful crowd, i guess thats why the shows come here. a mix of all kinds, but all looking very vibrant, we are a young country for sure, by age and heart.

take care.

(found this saved in my drafts, left me wondering why was it not published because i sure as hell was pissed off that night...)

An Info advert by Bangalore Traffic Police

I keep on telling everyone, Future is in India!!!

All those who crib about life here, we are getting there..!