Tuesday, December 06, 2011


This is personal...I hate goodbyes, i have left behind and been left behind so many times very early in my life that i kind of trained myself not to get attached to anything. Don’t get me wrong, when i am in it i give my everything, because i dont know what limits are or how to protect myself, even knowing what i am gonna lose soon. But i never ever get attached enough, open up enough knowing the fact that its not gonna stay. Although the selfish other person never realizes this because i have always found them not to care enough about me, as long as the selfish them is getting all from me they are happy. When i have asked for a semblance of the same in return it has come as a rude shock, and on more then one occasion led to them leaving me!
I have been asked many times, will you be there forever...but i have never asked (and in a sense wanted) that from anyone. Some how i know its not gonna happen, somehow i know if it does, as a corollary to give everything to that one person, i will be limiting myself to that one person.
But its managed to happen twice till date, one very early on and another recently! First time on I was too immature to know that it won't stay, i still had not understood myself. and frankly if that would have stayed, i would have been very very different. That’s in the past.
Second time was very recent, and knowing all the risks, having been told about all the risks, warned and sometimes manipulated and forced into realizing it, i still got into it. Because that’s the only way i know how to live. Give in everything, live it while it lasts. Now its gone and for the first time I want it not to...I want to live it in any form possible!!!
Big gap is what her going away has been termed, and I hate the fact its termed like that. I dont see it as a big gap, because that would be very selfish way of putting it. Its far more, and frankly so personal, its indescribable!
Some say that there will be someone else who will fill that gap, and really I don't want to fill it with someone else. I don't want that space being taken up by anyone else, always want it empty for her to come and fill in whenever she wants!
Sounds more n more like am talking about a love interest, well the first instance I was, this one is a sister, but someone who unknowingly ended up being a true friend, a roomie, a hookah partner and someone who cares about me!
I will miss you, and really i will never let your gap fill up. For the first time i want someone to stay forever!
You will always have someone wishing the best for you, forever, that is what i give in return to you for making me feel cared for last one year!
On a final note, n really as an explanation for the kinda misinterpretations which are gonna crop up, names given to relationships dont really matter. What matters is true love any form.