Sunday, February 06, 2011

state of life...

more then 3 months since i blogged, and somehow didn't really miss it either...easy to say had nothing to write, but not really keep on happening, just that have become so used to these events, they don't seem out of place anywhere, are all expected.
have been doing a state of life for the last 4-5 years, some on paper, some in a diary dad gifted, some in a private blog...didn't do one this year though, lots of things happened last year, small and big, and some huge, but then as i said earlier, have so become used to the big losses and small victories, the 'my life turns on a daily basis, but still stays the same' that nothing really worth mentioning....its like that dance, you step side by side, front and back, but at then end, are at the same spot where you started. : )
so why today, well was watching Anjaana Anjaani...and it got me in the mood. Awesome movie, after a long long time, have come across of good Love Story, a different story line, perfectly executed, good acting, and great songs (16 hours of continuos listening and still not bored) but more than anything, it makes you get into that mood...which tells me its a great movie. 
anyways so what has happened, finally became a my head before by designation, and as is so true about this great firm, they recognized cheers to that. people came and went, and i learned. Realized i am not as patient anymore, discovered that i can be ruthless when needed, thankfully am ruthless with a human touch. don't and shouldn't become that guy who thinks only with his head, never want to be that. 
Took a trip, got a tour of a city like i have never before...and then the switch flipped. Took 10 years, but it did. and as with anything else, i am quiet benign about it. always wonder if it has actually flipped or am i forcing it too...always wonder if it will flip back again...!
friends became real friends, and they stripped me bare. It is so so scary to hear from an outsider what you have always known, scary because now you know that people understand you, understand how messed up you are, and ultimately agree that one way or the other, life's gonna be screwed up.  amazing that it took me three four sessions (along with some whiteboarding and graphs, mind you) to make them realize this it. :)
discovered a sister and was made to realize how stupid i have been, what having someone who cares about you feels like. will be short lived though...
what else, same old fights, same old living with a confronted and the explanation got accepted, some old old friends went away, space filled with new ones.  started missing my alone time, almost struggling to get it back, but the company has become an addiction almost, and as with any other addiction i have, it can only be broken by external factors, i can never break my addictions, too weak for that. 
adopted a dog, debated her age, sex and name...and whether i should keep her. I am, Tangle is the name finally!!!
discovered what i had known for a long time, this time in a more formal front, am good at ideas and design, am bad at execution (mostly because it doesn't interest me at all)...wish i get to do what i love...fighting everyday for it. Consequently discovered my love for mindmaps and whiteboards and flow diagrams and excel sheets and word documents...wish can do that forever.  came up with ideas which as like with all my ideas made me believe i can change the world...if only if i execute them. 

got into something that i know is all wrong, and still is right, the only problem is that with all the experiences and all the practical gyaan i keep on getting, have lost the confidence to trust that one right i see in all the wrong...thats something i have lost now. too bad...discovered how crazy i can be, how much i love gifting and how single mindedly i work to make things happen when i want to, thankfully the 'if you believe it more than anything else, then entire world conspires to make it happen' funda showed up again, happy for that. 
any mindset change, not really, not significantly at least...still the same old lazy mind which gets fired up by ideas, works them out and then wants to move on to something there any place in this world for minds like that??!?
anyways, bottom line, life is as it was, will it stay as it is, i don't even know now what i want the answer to be for that question....
so thats it, nothing else to say, state of my life, public now...!
and since the PS has become to cliched now, in my head at least, i'll just skip it but is the apartment building at the end of the movie, where Zaid lives, is it the one you went to check out??!?