i have written this before, one of the best descriptions of an introver i have heard is that an introver is one who get his/her energy from within. i am one, and have been spending a lot of time now a days with friends. most of my waking hours are around people, friends, colleagues, coffee wala and random people at the coffee shop and then some more here and there. its been going on for some time now, i have never been truly alone for a long period of time. long enough to get me back to a peaceful state. when ur surrounded by people, you hardly get time to hear what u have to say, most of the time is spent listening to other people, and dealing with small time situations. that harmony that you have with urself is lost. and thats my reason for not blogging now a days, if i don't hear myself, how do i write?
anyways my dog jim is dying...has been for a long time now. he is 16 today, although we don't know his birthdate, i celeberate it the same day as mine, so by that count, he is somewhere between 16 and 17, which in human years is like 80+. dogs are not expected to live beyond 14, and so there was a point in time some years ago, when we as a family started joking around that jimmy to mehman hai, kabhi bhi chala jayega. mom started giving him extra love and care, extra dog biscuits, extra everything. he was scolded less, and taken care off. its been what 3 years now, and sick as it sounds, we still are waiting. some times he seems immortal. he is blind, can't hear, can't stand properly, is daibetic (incidentally dad and jim were diagnosed at the same time, they share medicines and insurance), his hair coat is non existant, his tail is never up and so on....but the dude's spirit has kept him alive. he would sleep 16 hours a day, but you open the fridge, or a can of anything, and he would come running...that was my jimmy. today its changed.
today he has lost the spirit, he doesn't feel like getting up anymore, still looks for food tit bits but doesn't have that zeal to come looking for it. jimmy today just sleeps, and has become distant. this time around he didn't even recognise me when i got back home this time, and that hurt. just seeing him hurt.
for a long time, we have been discussing euthanasia. mercy killing. who are we taking mercy on? ourselves or jimmy, well both. he is in pain, and sometimes it becomes really frustrating taking care of him. i always resisted, but then its not i who has to sit besides jim all night long, just to make sure that he sleeps. this time, i suggested it. couldn't see his pain, and couldn't see my parents. my dad being who he is, can't bring his heart to do it, i think in his place, i wouldn't either. time will tell.
letting go of someone you love, even for their good is too difficult. that time immediately after you have let go, its terrible. if u don't have anyone to hold u, its impossible. well, you still survive. as someone said, man can live through anything if there is a strong motivation, or no motivation at all.
also, we always have considered our family size to be 5, mom dad, jim jean, and somewhere, and if lucky, myself. and jimmy has been a constant companion, a punching bag, and a sounding board. he has been with me through my teens and now...he was the one who would stay awake all night sitting besides me, he was the one who used to bite me, he had that 'hak' on me. could also be because jim knew that he was my favoured dog, the story is that when jim was 5 or something, we go jeanie as a pup, she was this cute little daschund, very notty, still is, and a favourite of everyone. i knew this was gonna happen, and always the rooter (root for...rooter, my english) for the underdog, then weaker being, i decided that jimmy will be favoured by me. and i think, over a period of time he knew that. jeanie, the cute daschund, surely knows it, because she never comes to me when she wants some love, always mom and dad. jim, when he does, comes to me. jimmy was always mine.
can't imagine going home and not having jimmy around.
later....
ank
All I can say is I have tears in my eyes bhai.. :(
ReplyDeleteJimmy died, he was euthanized, on a saturday morning. dad said he went in less then 10 seconds after the injection was given, as if his soul just wanted to be freed....i had asked him to keep his hand on jim.
ReplyDeletei didnot cry in the last weeks of his life, had to be strong for my parents, but when dad told me, i howled like i have never before.
i always had asked me if i would cry, now i wonder how i could have asked myself that. it was jim.
the realisation still hasn't come to me, i still refer to jim and jean in one breadth, and the realise that jim is not there anymore. maybe when i go home and don't see him sitting on his mat, i will.
was it the right decision, dad afterwards told me that he felt really relieved. and my dad is true hearted, so yes, it was the right decision. no guilts.
miss you jim. will missing sitting besides you, and stroking you. will miss playing with you, and teasing you. love you always.
i will always talk about u jimmu...