Missing!!!

This is personal...I hate goodbyes, i have left behind and been left behind so many times very early in my life that i kind of trained myself not to get attached to anything. Don’t get me wrong, when i am in it i give my everything, because i dont know what limits are or how to protect myself, even knowing what i am gonna lose soon. But i never ever get attached enough, open up enough knowing the fact that its not gonna stay. Although the selfish other person never realizes this because i have always found them not to care enough about me, as long as the selfish them is getting all from me they are happy. When i have asked for a semblance of the same in return it has come as a rude shock, and on more then one occasion led to them leaving me!

I have been asked many times, will you be there forever...but i have never asked (and in a sense wanted) that from anyone. Some how i know its not gonna happen, somehow i know if it does, as a corollary to give everything to that one person, i will be limiting myself to that one person.

But its managed to happen twice till date, one very early on and another recently! First time on I was too immature to know that it won't stay, i still had not understood myself. and frankly if that would have stayed, i would have been very very different. That’s in the past.

Second time was very recent, and knowing all the risks, having been told about all the risks, warned and sometimes manipulated and forced into realizing it, i still got into it. Because that’s the only way i know how to live. Give in everything, live it while it lasts. Now its gone and for the first time I want it not to...I want to live it in any form possible!!!

Big gap is what her going away has been termed, and I hate the fact its termed like that. I dont see it as a big gap, because that would be very selfish way of putting it. Its far more, and frankly so personal, its indescribable!

Some say that there will be someone else who will fill that gap, and really I don't want to fill it with someone else. I don't want that space being taken up by anyone else, always want it empty for her to come and fill in whenever she wants!

Sounds more n more like am talking about a love interest, well the first instance I was, this one is a sister, but someone who unknowingly ended up being a true friend, a roomie, a hookah partner and someone who cares about me!

I will miss you, and really i will never let your gap fill up. For the first time i want someone to stay forever!

You will always have someone wishing the best for you, forever, that is what i give in return to you for making me feel cared for last one year!

Bose!!!

On a final note, n really as an explanation for the kinda misinterpretations which are gonna crop up, names given to relationships dont really matter. What matters is true love any form.

From Evernote:

Being honest about being dishonest

This blog, crimson blues, starts with a question, to no one but myself, should i start, will i be able to end.But really this was never the start, the start was a black leather jacket notebook, with a pen holder, gifted by my dad. Till date am amazed that he recognised that the lonely me needed an outlet to express myself. Well so it started, i always wanted to be an anonymous writer, and almost instinctively my posts never had any names, just refrences to people and places. Wanted it that way because didnt want to hurt anyone, esp myself. Also never wanted it to be marketable, always wrote from heart. Never thinking whether i will get enough readers or google ads. 

But over a period of time vanity took over, and so i put it up on fb. 

Somewhere though i think i also wanted full disclosure, the blog captures a lot of the grey of my life, and i thought that maybe making that public would get me some kind of redemption. It was really me saying sorry to the world, you know owing up to my mistakes kinds. 

Anyways at that point didnt realise the repurcussions...got into a lot of problems. The issue is that the posts are pretty convoluted, i never say things directly, so a lot of people misunderstood me. Thankfully when i explained, many understood. I think the only person who doesnt is my dad, ironic, he made me start down this path.

The question is, and that i have always asked is, will i change. Will i start considering what repurcussions this would have, who (and really me) will it hurt...and i think, no. Because if i do, the blog will just die, and with it, a part, a very close true important part of me will die.

 

So just to reaffirm, and since i got reminded of it...here goes! 

  

This story happenened many years back, 10 years, and now is kinda faded. But its one of the many I feel guilty about and so here goes...

Long time back knew someone undescribably special, and soon after I met her, in my adolescent love, hacked through her account, it was easy, security question was first dogs name and she had had only one. Read a couple of mails, n then the guilt of doing sth wrong overwhelmed me, n I never did it again!

As a reciprocation, made up a bahana and gave her my password, and sometime later She confessed that she read some of my mails. I had not stopped her from, and she didnt have to tell me...but incredible she was even then! She felt bad, and i consoled but never confessed.

Sorry seems insignificant, bringing this up would be more hurtful to all, but had to be said!

 

Take care!  

 

PS - thanks for being my best friend, n i dont mean u here, but u also! :) 

 

Also

Sometime back palli asked me what i my identity is, and after some thinking (the entire i dont want to limit myself to an identity, want to be everything funda) but at that point realised that the one thing which defines me is this blog, my writings! And to date, i believe in it. The blog is not just me, but my ideas, my thoughts, the only place where i put in any opinion, my beliefs, my truths...everything which defines me! 

to the disappearing art of writing in cursive on paper with a fountain pen...

in a nice plush leather jacket diary gifted by dad with yellowing lined papers, using a thin nib fountain pen filled with royal blue ink in running cursive with a bent left hand...as the writer says...writing is personal, intimate...and brings joy!!!
and to this disappearing art, haven't read a better eulogy - http://moreintelligentlife.com/content/ideas/ann-wroe/handwriting-elegy
PS: as i said somewhere else, writing can take solace in the fact that typing is gonna disappear soon...you will just have to talk and Iris (my Siri) will do the rest!!!

My dots...connected now!!!

the post is about me...So stop reading right here if not interested. Don't complaint later that you were not warned...

 The thought was there for long time ago, not sure if it originally came after watching the video above.

Anyways heres how I ended up doing what I do today...

• Left handed, write with bent wrist, american style, only in cursive, only with a fountain pen, beautiful handwriting though... 
• 10th board, english tution teacher warns gujju board teachers won't be able to read what i write, will fail...
• Mom and teacher conspire to make me right handed, end up straighting my writing arm a bit and screwing up my handwriting a lot...Fluent Cursive handwriting changes too painful illegible symbols...
• Start hating writing with hand, learn typing, get new comp, love it...
• Go to college, forbidden to submit typed assignements, fear of cheating, I rebel, only give typed reports...almost flunk, but continue to do so...
• Learn MS Word, and learn CorelDraw and computers in general before any of my batch...
• 4th year, have to solve 3rd n 4th degree structural design equations by trial and error, prefer to do it in drag and drop Excel...
• Make structural design program in 4th year, proffs dont like it, say i cheated, almost flunk me...
• 5th year, see program on discovery, early version of 3D printing using GA...have it in back of my head...
• Last hour before thesis proposal deadline, guide rejects my idea, tried and tested he say, rejects the proposal and declines to be my guide...
• Go to lib, search for GA, with vague understanding come up with just the title of the thesis, ask a new first timer prof to by my guide, submit proposal, get accepted into the programme.
• Write a 10,000 line program, with out any knowledge of coding, end up with a super awesome, but not appreciated or even understood software...
• Hear about 'systems' during thesis, apply for MBA in systems, bad interview, but sell my thesis, get accepted.
• 2 year MBA, learn nothing, placements, Goldman on campus, technical profile...not interested, but don't get through dream BA at deloitte interviews so reluctantly sit...
• Clear test n Group games, first question in first interview..rate ur self on these never heard of technologies... Almost given up, Mathew asks about thesis...sell it!!!
• And a kid with bad handwriting ends up in Technology...!

Moral, you never know what leads to what...as Jobs says, connecting the dots is easy in the past...just keep doing what your heart tells you too...what i add is never run away from an experience, it will come in use someday, if it doesnt you atleast had an experience and lived a bit more! 

take care.

Sent from my iPad

About the forbidden fruit

From Evernote:

Something about the forbidden fruit

Apple, and not the fruit because a lots been written about that, but the company really. Well lots has been written about it too, and not much I can add, but since I have to defend it day in and day out, thought I'd just settle it once and for all. So next time you get into an argument and find me not defending Apple (just because I find it pointless), well dont think you won, because am gonna point you right to this post.

Anyways so first heres my attempt at describing apple, people say its a technology firm, well no, thats google, simply because they do tech for the sake of tech. Just because they know they can do cool stuff with tech, they make products to showcase that tech. They are not a consumer products company, thats Samsung and Sony, and they are not a content company, they don't generate any content of their own, although given what Jobs did with Pixar, they could be awesome at that as well. And lets not even talk about Microsoft, they are just driven by revenues, and so are really a selling company, and frankly not worth even discussing here.

So what is apple, well in the simplest terms they are a marketing firm. I learnt marketing from Prof Chandan Chatterjee, and the one thing that stuck is any company is about just two things, the idea and the marketing of that Idea. Apple isin't really the idea generator, they didnot come up with the touchscreen, they didnt come up with the distribution model...but they knew how to use them. And how to build on it!

Marketing starts from the idea, the inception, and all the way upto the demise of the idea and everything in the middle. Marketing is really the lifecycle of an idea, and Apple is awesome at that.

So what really makes Apple different. well,

1. They are consumer focussed - for apple the only thing that matters and that drives there every decision is the for the end users.
2. And most of the times it is by knowing that users dont know what they want, and if they do, someone else will build it. Apple guides, coaxes and many times forces the users into choices. Think no floppy drives, think no focus groups.
3. Apple is disciplined - they have strong strong almost unshakable culture, out of which comes this discipline, an example of which is the secrecy around their products, its not easy in todays media centric world to keep a secret and Apple does that all the time. That takes discipline, which i think really comes out of the DNA of Jobs.
4. And the culture also gives Apple its balls, the company as a whole is not affected by what the users want it to do, they are not scared of what other companies are doing, they dont launch products because they have to be in a space. And they have the guts to say no, say no to flash for example. And not to make a low cost product which doesnt have a cohesive and complete set of features
5. Apple is all about give something which is perfect (as per them) or not give at all. That is why rejected 3 different Tablet prototypes, before going ahead with the iPad. They wait for things, they don't give half baked products ala Microsoft. 
6. Design, design and design and keeping it simple. They know users are not tech savvy, they know that technology is a tool to make life easier and convinient, and not everything. They know that tech is a part of life and not life itself, and so they design and redesign till technology becomes intutive. They also know what technology can do and should do for you, and dont try to make the panacea for everything, only the things possible and logical.
7. Thinking of platforms and not individual products or services. They build complete cohesive solutions, which might includes multiple products / services, which talk seamlessly to each other. And they know where to stop, they dont try to integrate with the world, only things which are possible, and sustainable. 
8. Control everything, because then only can you achieve what you dreamed off...and so be pervasive, in the entire vertical of design to manufacturing column. They make their own processors all the way up to productivity apps. And horizontally as well. From their helpdesk to retail stores.
9. Being different - and not for the sake of being so, but because it makes sense and then because it makes them stand out. They question everything, why should an iPad have 5 Mpx camera when the only practical use for it can be video calling? Why can't an Apple store be more then just place to sell, why can't it be an experience instead of a shop, and why can't it become a monument in a city as full of modern monuments as New York. And being diferent in everything.
10. And so many other smaller reasons...some of which others have, but hardly any company has most of them, and none, none have all! 

Well so that said, this was not really what inspired me to write this post, the inspiration was that after a lot of searching I finally found something wrong with the company...the lack of giving back. And that is the one reason my Venture will be differnet. A lot of articles, on Apple becoming the most valued company for some hours, made the point that even though sitting on 300+ billion dollars, apple doesn't give back. And not only as charity, they also dont give back to the technology estblishment. They dont contribute in open source projects, they dont share they code, their knowledge. They dont let their engineers host events and talk about tech. Why so I dont know, charity part, giving money out, I dont believe in either, but contributing to the community and letting everyone progess instead of hiding behind patents, that I do. Maybe they believe the best way they can contribute is by making awesome products, or maybe they just don't want to, i don't know, maybe thats the part of the apple which got bitten off, but something, in my humble opinion, they should do.

And why the forbidden fruit, well because, once you get a taste of it, there is nothing else which can please you. Point in case, my second iPhone is as good as dead and i still won't change it for an android or anything out there, simply because, there are no phones for me, just iPhones. Too much i know!!! 

PS: I havent worked at Apple and I dont have first hand knowledge of how they function, this is all from my reading about Apple, and from experiencing there products and services and more then anything thinking about them. And most of all, because I admire the company to the point of being passionate. So if my facts are wrong, please feel free to point out, if you disagree and have valid point please comment. Don't talk about things like Apple is elitist and Apple culture is un-democratic. They might be, and I give a damn!!! 

Not Random...

I have for the longest times believed there is no such thing as random. Well when I say for the longest of times, the thought actually came when I was writing my thesis and required a random number generator for some GA work. Excel (yep my thesis was written in the humble Excel) had a random number generator, where you put in an upper value and a lower value and a random number will be generated between those two values. Now I thought, you are anyways limiting the range, and since the significance is also decided, there are a limited number of values that the number generated can take...!

also and more importantly, there has to be some algorithm by which the number is generated, which means if you have the algorithm, there is not such thing as random. 

What is random, but something which cannot be determined beforehand. So basically what we are saying is random can come out of only things where we don't have a way to predict the next value, we don't know the trend or the pattern or the algorithm. 

But the thought is just because we don't know it, doesn't mean someone else doesn't know. Who ever built it would surely know it, because s/he wrote the algorithm or designed the pattern in the first place. Its just that we are seeing such a small part of the pattern, we are not even seeing one block of the pattern and so don't even realize that there is one, and thus assume its random. As you go higher, and you understand more of the pattern, you can start predicting. 

Or maybe its just so complex that you have not worked out all the factors which affect it, one you do, you know the algo and end of randomness.

So the idea is that whatever level you are at, everything that you are seeing below will form a pattern and so be understandable and predictable and not random, where as everything above you, won't be, because you are below its level and still climbing, and maybe even part of it. If you have seen X-Files, there is an episode where Scully and Moulder know that the clue to something is on the floor...but can't make out. Then Moulder climbs a staircase and looks down, and he can make out a box X. So as you rise above the level, you realize what it is. 

Come to think of it, I first saw this in my 9th std class, where a really strict (and as you will see bored) Gujju language proff would ask students to read from the textbook. And like any other language teacher, he would pick random students, so that everyone was paying attention. In one class I paid attention to how he was choosing students, and after about 7-8 students, a pattern emerged. And I started predicting the totally random selection and became the hero for the day...(because now I told whose chance was next and so everyone else could relax). Ofcourse after I realized the pattern, I completely lost interest in it, was almost like 'thats it, i thought he would be more intell then that'.

Well anyways, so the thing is that once you realize and work out something you always kinda loose interest and move on. So going by that theory, at some date, way way into the future, we should be able to work out everything, and then there shall be no random. Everything shall be known, and that truly will be the end of progress and human kind. 

But this is where it gets interesting, I truly believe, that we will never be able to get to that stage, even if Mankind survives for infinity, simply because complexity also tends to infinity (or maybe it just has a headstart).  But as soon as you unravel something, you will realize that something is part of something larger (or in case of cells and molecules and atoms and so on, is composed of something smaller) which now needs to be unraveled. So at both ends of the scale there is something which will always be there to be discovered. So no, we haven't found the smallest particle, and yes there surely are multiple universes, and it might not just stop there. 

Its like expenses and money, expenses always grow to equal and surpass the money you have, or work and time, work always expands to fill the amount of free time you have. 

And why is that, maybe because all organisms are ambitious, and not really ambitious but all organisms need to survive, and to survive means to do better then what you have been till now. And so out of that ambition, comes the need to understand more and more, so that we can control what we understand and then move on. Am thinking what happened to cockroaches then, why did they stop evolving a million years ago, were they the ones who got real peace??!? :D

another scenario really is, and this goes completely against what i believe in, is that maybe there is  a creator, a creator of everything. In which case, two points, one, whatever we have cannot be infinite, because there is capacities to every ones ability, and secondly, maybe the creator is just cheating (or being intelligent), and as soon as we realize a pattern, s/he goes ahead and changes it, modifies it. 

well...whatever it is, we are never gonna find out. so chill.

and no no, am not high, its just Monday!
take care. thanks for reading till this point, and my sincere aplogies. :P

The allpowerful almighty...

With nothing to do, am sitting on my balcony just staring at space n having a text discussion with a friend far away about God...N when the texts started reading like a blogpost, thought I'd rather blog then bore palli to death so here goes..

I don't really believe in God, I have been conditioned to yes, n so out of habit I bow in front of temples n say Jai Bhagwanji whenever wishing good for someone, but since I have gained consciousness n become more thinking, I have started questioning everything which seemed not explainable by logic n science n rationality n the concept of God is one of them.

I think the concept of God came about because there are so many things that we couldn't explain in the early days of evolution, n even today.so many things which made us wonder, the unexplained, the stuff which made us fearful, which made us insecure. For all those things, we wanted an explanation, and God became that. we invented God to attribute all that we couldn't explan, to protect from all that we feared...we invented God to explain our own ignorance really.

Think about it, the only two times we go to God is 1) when something unexplained / unexpected happens...'ya to Bhagwan ka karishma hai' types and 2) when we want / fear something...'Bhagwan mujhe ya/ woh/sab de do' types.

And there will always be stuff we won't be able to understand, but many of the things which were attributed to God are now explained by science...evolution, the universe and stuff. And so there might be a day when everything will be explained by science...although, looking at the vastness of the universe n beyond, don't think that's gonna ever happen.

And also becuase I think, the universe is nothing but a self evolving n growing (increasingly complex) system which is based in finite number of fixed rules.but the elements in this system are ever changing n also growing in number, n so science n our understanding which is already so behind, will never be able to catch up. Also we are part of the system, n ourselves changing within it, n so it's kind of paradoxical for us to explain n understand ourselves while we are changing while doing it.

So who is in control, is there a superior being, well no. No one is in control, there is no superior being with a conscious...just a system...a huge, complex, evolving system...so complex because everything affects everything and thus unmapable by us due to limitation of our brain and computational power. Think of it as our nature...complex, evolving with ever new experience, learning, ever changing...!

Seems like the post is coming to a sudden end...lets not...

So what about fate n chance n karma...well all part of the system. Take a coin toss. The white knight in the dark knight says fate is the only uncorruptable force...but is it really. Can u not with advanced computations and in a controlled environment predict a coin toss. N if u can, can that then not be extended to real world, given enough computational resources... and if it can, can't u then manipulate those factors affecting the coin toss to get desired reults..and if u can, u have just overcome chance.

Moral of the story...just because it can't be understood n explained n controlled by u, doesn't mean it is understood n explained n controlled by an unknown all powerful conscientious being.

Let's not attribute our ignornce to someone supremely intelligent.

Take care.

I do believe in horoscopes, which is very contradictory to what I have said above, but have a theory for that too...a scientific explainable theory...won't write now, enough material given above for u to shoot holes in....:)

Also no offense to people who believe...I think the concept of God n religion is beautiful...it is the most powerful medium in the world today to speed any message, whether good n or sadly bad. It supports n gives hope to billions...it is the basis of existence for many...I am just saying that it doesn't have a logical rationl explntion for me. It's very personal....

Ankur

Say what you need to say!

One of the things I love about American Presidents is their speeches. That once a week address to the nation, those state of the Union addresses, that funny speech to the press corps and the adhoc but still well organised, well written conferences they do for every issue, where the press waits for their questions. This is all coordinated by the Press secretary, yep they have a special post to handle the media, special people who write those speeches and special people who decide on what message needs to be sent to the general public through the medium of the media.
Their emphasis is so much that one of the parameters the president is judged on is his (america has never had a 'her' as president so..) oratory skills...thats why Bill Clinton was so good, Bush so bad.
So why am I saying this, well because India doesn't have that. I have never seen an organised press conference by the Indian government or other political parties, which is broadcast throughout. The only speech I remember is the prime ministers 15th aug address, and maybe the Foreign Secretarys joint statements.
They have started having spokespersons but they keep on changing with every event, every incident. What they have is a hundred people saying a hundred things, which basically means you never know what the stand of the government is, and then start wondering if they have a stand.
Thats is the problem with communciation, a lot of it leads to confusion, a lack of it leads to miscommunication. When you don't communicate, people and in todays world, the 24x7 news channels who need content, start creating stuff.
It would be so much more easier if the prime minister would have made a speech to the the people and clarified his n the governments stand. Agreed we are not America, here the leaders talk in the parliament, explain their stand to the elected representatives but do those reprensatives explain it to the people they represent, and do that in the same words, in the same context, do they pass the same message. They don't, they can't, reminds me of that game where people wouod sit in a circle and a message will be passed ear to ear only to find out that the message coming out of the last person to be so diff then the original one, it was hilarious.
What this would also do it would give the media a lesser chance of twisting the words, of taking and quoting them out of context, of blatantly creating stuff up!!!
We see this in corporate world, we have so many townhalls with all top leaders talking to us about how the firm is doing it gets boring...but atleast we are not guessing stuff. Ofcoruse what they say is so vague, its difficult to get a message out of it, and yea, that should be different here. Say what you need to say, in plain terms. And it is difficult, especailly when u have to pass tough messages, when u have to pass messagfes to parties with differnet agendas, but needs to be done.
Team Anna is doing it, and thats why they are getting so much support, why cant our PM? and make it compulsory for each news channel to broadcast it in english n translated in each regional language.
That atleast would be a start to some evident leadership for this country.

Sent from my iPad

corruption n me...!

Blogging on th Moleskin iPad app, love the super expensive Moleskin notebooks, this is not bad either.

Have been forced to watch the Anna Hazare protest as am home n he is fav of my mum, and since it will have long lasting effects am kind of pressured to talk about it. Anyways...

Corruption is of two kinds, one where u want to get something done illegaly, or done as per ur terms, could be faster, easier, more conviniently or sth. For eg, when u get caught on ur bike without papers n pay a bribe to get off...or when u go to a mandir n pay some agent to get u 'special, up close n personal' darshan with God. So this is really corruption seeded by you and Janlokpal bill doesn't do anything to tackle this.

The second is when you want a bribe just to get sth done, not faster, not easier...just get it done. You know, greasing the palms kinds where a govt official (and I refuse to call them public servants, its just to degrading) asks for money to get you ur IT returns money...that kinds.

So first i think the concept of corruption started with the first way, and secondly, i don't think there is a pure no 2 category ever. Its always u get some money, I get this done faster.

Justifications for 1 are many...1.2 billion people, there is a queue everywhere, if i have money n get better service, whats wrong with that, rules are general, and archaic, they shouldnt apply to me and so on...well true, but really look inside urself and u'll realize, mostly its just for convinience, for taking the easy route out that you bribe. I haven't changed my enfields number to match the registration no, its my laziness, but the excuse i make is that the system gave me the wrong number in the first place...well so it did, system comes out of you!

I believe tackling 1 is more important then 2, because that is the foundation, if no one wants to give a bribe, lega kaun, and then you will have a justification for protesting. Today, all of these protests are just seem very .... You give bribes on one hand...and will keep on doing so but on other hand want to prosecute those who take them, and frankly, they, the bribe takers have more of a justification for taking bribes...they, the so called 'public servants' earn very little for the service they give you. A police commisionare, after a life time spent to be where he is, a life full of mortal risks and living scared, gets 1\3 of what i do after just 4 years of a party life. They take more crucial decisions, life is far more difficult and requires more hard work, then why. And so is it wrong if they make a bit on the side...it is, but its seems more acceptable then u paying a bribe on being caught for drunk driving, doesnt it?

So my point, instead of persecuting those who take bribes, teach Indians to earn their living. Teach us that its not ok to take the easy way out, jugaad is not justified. And yes, prosecute all those who do these multi thousnd crore scams.. There is not justification for thats, its just pure greed.

The Janlokpal bill will help ofcourse, but its not a solution to everything. It might ensure that big time scams reduce over a period of time, but it is not something which will bring down corruption organically, but more by force, and whether that will last is a question.

And my disliking for mr Anna Hazare...well he is gandhi like, and dont get me wrong, i am a big admirer of Gandhi, my issue is with marketing...more n more, the protest looks like a giant marketing effort, and the problem with that is the susbstance gets lost in the gloss...the common man, who really is a follower just goes where the loudest loudspeaker is...not really caring about what aspect of corruption if any are they blaring about. And frankly, the support being shown is really a support against corruption n not for Anna. He is just riding the wave, hopefully as this economist story points out, we don't end up changing our constituion without enough debate because of this farce of a protest. Another major issue is i dont like anyone who armtwists anyone, and that is what this protest has become, our way or no way...hate that, even if its with the govt. And frankly, I appreciate our govt, media gives their 20% bad work 80% attention, but misses out on the 80% work which has ensured this country is atleast governed, badly maybe but not an anarchy still!

And why should his bill not go through the constitutional processes, if he thinks they are inadequate, change the processes, don't circumvent them. And i really dont agree with the argument that he has support, well people dont know, they are against corruption, and Anna is just a medium, they are not really with Anna. There is a line in the American President, something about people in a desert drinking sand because they dont know the difference between water n sand, and thats true but also because all they are getting is sand!

Everyone should have a viewpoint, everyone has the right to propogate that viewpoint, we have enough processes to ensure the viewpoints are heard n debated n the best chosen, just put the bill in front of the standing comittee n let them do their job!

Bad handling by the govt, but lets not make the country suffer because of that...!

PS: no spell check in Moleskin app, like the notebook..:)

already a long post but some more...

I think a good alternative to bribing is tipping...there is subtle but big different, bribe is giving money upfront to ensure a good service, tip is giving after the fact, to reward a good service. 

an anecdote that has happened twice and i have been relating over the past week...got caught without papers twice. Both time it was more on technicality really, once the PUC certificate had expired by a week, second time the number on my enfield was diff then on the RC book...anyways so I knew am wrong in letter, but not really in spirit...so argued that. The two cops (a young arrogant one who does the dirty work, and an older guy who stands as the moral authority always) wouldn't even hear me out. First they pretended they didn't know English or Hindi, then would just keep on walking about as soon as i would start explaining. After 5 mins became very apparent they wanted bribes... problem is that i decided on both occasions i won't give money, and so the stand off continued. It takes about 15 - 30 mins of silence on both sides for them to relent, finally they let you go, and this time they did. I on my part always make sure that i kind of shake hands with them with a very cheeky grin on my face, and tell them 'thankyou, right thing you did' kinds. always. 

anyways, lots of 'points' i can make out of this, but ur bored, so shall spare you. 

laters...

Post Perfection!!!

"Bam...right in the face this time...life hits him again, and flat on his face he falls. Will he be able to get up"

the first thing which came into my head when something happened last week, surprising how now that anything happens, the first thing that comes into your (or at least my head) is a status update. :D. Call it the age of vanity. anyways this was too personal for FB so putting it here. 

so the post is gonna be about random short stuff, because life has been random, and incidents have been short, so short that converting them into stories would require a lot of creativity on my part. 

anyways, was watching Singham the other day, crappy movie on the face, but it was a lazy saturday with nothing really coming on the idiot box so…and also the fact that a lot of the yuppie IT crowd had recommended the movie. so well was watching with a couple of friends sisters et al…and as i sat through the movie, something stuck me. the idiotic, full of physics defying stands and crude half hindi half marath dialogues movie was actually inspiring me. well now i started paying attention. No doubt this was a product of the new found marketing skills of Bollywood, but the movie was also having a very unconscious effect on me. The movie was kinda appealing to my revolutionary, fight agains injustice, gandhian bosean self. and since the movie was such  huge hit, it must have for some other people as well.

well i also remembered something I read about the ongoing UK riots, a story which said that everyone is asking the reason for the riots, but there were signs of the build up for the longest of time, you just had to know where to look. there were many fiction books n movies made which pointed to the growing rife in the UK society. With all the stuff join on in India right now, am wondering if this is one of those fictional cultural creations which appeals to indian peoples sense of frustration with the system. Will have to wait n watch.

what else, on a personal front, i did sth a couple of weeks ago, which had some people very close to me questioning my basic fundas of life. Basic funds # 1 - Do good, why because thats the only way to live. Funda # 2 - Don't expect anything, why, because otherwise you will always be disappointed, this way you can only be surprised. 

anyways so both funds got questioned a lot, was told that the above two are good, but in moderation, do it only for people who care and not for everyone. Value urself was what i was told. Somehow to my head whatever shaitan says makes sense, but my soul doesn't understand it at all. For me its simple, i don't believe in gaining respect or love or care or affection or anything by having to ask for it, and here asking is not just really asking, but all the power games that people play, the 'bhaav khana' types. I don't understand that, find it shallow and a waste of time. My fundas is simple, you should earn ur respect, not demand it. and secondly, you shouldn't really put a value to urself, others should. What's the point of saying 'I am important' or making others say 'I am important' by arm twisting them using different techniques, doesn't stay, and if it does, that feel good feeling you get out of it is not real. rather, earn ur respect, and love and affection, and it will always stay. and of course, when i say all this, people say you believe in Karma, and i am like thats just a feel good excuse you make to urself when u get disappointed, just keep on doing what you gotta do, rest don't bother. The one thing that you will have following the above is satisfaction and a lack of guilt, u'll feel good about urself, and that gives you peace more then anything else. and methinks peace is all the that matters really. 

raining really heavily now, already finished a cup of tulsi tea, wondering if should get some coffee and ruin my sleep for tonight, anyways not gonna do anything early tomorrow. 

so i have written this somewhere before, moments of clarity or something. I have had two till now, well till the last week at least…one was when i let go of someone and clearly saw my life going down the drain, another when i had the hope of getting that same person back…many many years later, and saw everything coming back to how i wanted it to be. anyways moments of clarity are awesome, they are pure white, there is not a spec of grey in there. you are so sure of what needs to be done, and how things will pan out and how life will be, it exhilarating. its almost as if you have already lived that life and seeing it in flashback. 

had one this last week, something happened, and i saw my life clearly, and was a beautiful sight.  Didn't last long, and more then me, its someone else's loss, but was awesome to see hope back again in life, even if just for a week. Rejuvenated me to quiet some extent. someday when its a bit stale, i shall write about the incident and the entire farce of arranged marriages. ;)

so do you think with your heart or do you think with your head? i am a very very instinctive touchy feeling sorta guy, so its all heart with me. and decisions of the heart are instant, there are not factor to consider, not weighing options and all, its all done in the unconscious, you just know the answer. And so for me, either i make decisions in seconds, or i will never be able to decide, because when my heart is not sure, the head comes in, and gets so confused with all the facts that never know what to choose. last week was one of those decision in a fraction of second week, sadly someone else was thinking with her head. 

anyways, lots bull crap written for now, laters. 

its nice that after just 3 posts in the first two thirds of the year, i have two in the last week. and am in the mood to write more. Credit it to the 'almost' week. :)

and as for the 'will he be able to get up, fucking yea I will!!! Might not be a lot of thing, n short, but one thing i am is defiant. In this battle with life, either i win or die fighting, which come to think of it will be life winning, still!!!

missing goofy...

My life is full of stories or maybe i just make every incident into a story...in any case this was worth sharing...

A friend lost her dog almost a month back...a beautiful lab. If ur a dog lover n have had pets you know it means far more then loosing an inanimate object and just a notch less then loosing a kid!!

And for her, it meant even more because it was her dog, and only her's, she went through a lot to get it, was one of the few living things she calls her own.

anyways, so the first question in my head, 'How do you loose a dog'. Well aparently, its easy, and happens quiet often. Her mum took him for a walk, and on seeing some other dogs, it just bolted. By the time back she could contact my friend who was out n came back n started searching, it had disappeared without a trace. As i write this, am wondering what trace would a lost dog in a big city leave anyways, and what signs do you look out for. These r the things you think about only when the situation arrises.

so that started a fortnight of searching every possible location we could think of. Combing that and all other surrounding areas, every morning and every evening going up to well past midnight everyday...the thing with loosing a dog is, what do u say at work...have to take a two week off because i lost my dog...doesnt work. Anyways first it was the manual search, then was the spreading the word phase and finally putting up posters n sharing on fb and all...

Everyone, including me, had some gyaan to give, first 24 hours the general line was 'its a pet dog, they always come back', next 48 were, 'its a confusing area, must have got lost' which changed into 'must have been stolen, was a well bred dog, n they are expensive' and so it went till everyone became quiet and the anxiety of not finding him turned into hopelessness!

My friend was stoic throughout, because like any libran, we internalise our pains, we find it too trivial and beneath us to express it, but it stays with us. The magnitude of expression is always muted, and we are never hopeful too much for the fear of jinxing it and because we hate disappointments, as she said once, it would shatter her!

She too stopped talking anout him, but only if you looked beyond those laughs, u'd see the pain.

The thing with loosing someone is that there is no closure. It is worse then someone dying, because you can never make ur peace with it. You are forever hopeful, even if with time the intensity goes down. If someones dies, you can remember the good times and you can have your regrets...if you loose someone, there is always the 'if it comes back i will...' mindset. And even worse is that every small sign which ignites the hope of youfinding bring back all the anxiety and finally the disappointment n pain.

And this story, is about such an incident...i was involved so writing about it!

So the other day, a friend of hers hears about two guys finding a dog on Radio Indigo, they had searched for its owner and finally left it at Karuna for adoption. So since i know people at CUPA, I get a call to inquire and i do. Nope, both Karuna and CUPA haven't got a dog. So anyways next call the guy who announced the message on Radio Indigo, a guy who finally turned out to be a 8th Std kid with pharatedaar english and a mobile phone. So he gives me the entire story, they found an abandoned dog, and thought it was someone else's dog, but it wasn't, n then they searched the entire society for its owner, and since he already had a black lab at home, they just decided to give it up for adoption. and so ended up at Karuna. He tells me that dogs get adopted quite quickly from there so i should check, and so I say i will...

so i start, midway the kid starts sending me msg's that he wants to come as well...so i ask his address...'Last Bus Stop, some area i have never heard of, Bangalore (thankfully). so anyways i start, in 6:30 PM traffic, reach an area that i have never heard of, thanks to Google maps on BB. thankfully no rains that day. Pick up the kid, he calls his 'first time sitting on a bike' as 'long time i have sat on a bike', and in answer to how did you get an announcement done on radio Indigo, his answer 'well, lets just say i have contact." :D. 

Anyways so we start towards Karuna, and if getting to the kid was difficult, this i wouldn't like to describe. Reach Karuna, and there are about 4-5 chowkidars and registrars and people sitting, but no docs so can't see the dog. I am almost pissed, try negotiating, arguing, giving some money, but to no avail. One thing I have seen about people, they don't really understand Logic, rules are rules, and need to be upheld, not because they are sacred, but because the seniors won't like them breaking it. Not sure if its bangalore or uneducated class...

anyways finally got my friend (dogs owner) to talk to the guy in Kannada (always works), she threatened with some names (chairman of karuna was one i think, anyways this also always works) and finally the dude calls the doc, who takes another hour to get there and i finally get to see 'the dog'.

so Karuna, its a adoption center, but looks more like a dog jail, long corridors with cages lined up on both sides, stinking of howling dogs. get to the cage, F-07 i think, and out comes the dog...and it has all the markings. Looks like goof, red collar, hairless burn marks in its leg pits...am like 95% sure its him. 

so take out the iPhone to take some pics and send to friend, and of course when i need it the most, my iPhone dies. Take pics from BB, but no way to send them out. Mail attachment limitations...so anyways can't do much at that point, so start back to drop the kid...drop him, finally come back to my sis's place very close to Karuna. and get bashed up by her, but more about that sometime later.

Next morning, i go back to my place, and the friend comes to confirm if its her dog. I reach home, and get 4 missed calls from unknown number, finally pick up, and this guy tells me that he works at BIA, and had adopted the dog in F-07 but officials there are not letting him take him. So he's like, even if ur dog, I would like to adopt it. and I am like 'balls'!!!

so call the friend, she rushes to Karuna, and confirm he is not her dog. Yep, not her dog. So she is there on her knees calling him by his name, hoping against hope that he will respond, the guy who adopted him day before is there looking all pleased that he will be able to take him home, and then the final twist, a third guy turns up, lost his dog in the same area this one was rescued from...he comes, shouts once 'Simba' and the dog runs and lies on his feet!!!

so after all the drama, and bad endings for everyone, at least it ended well for the dog! It was a long story, but when was happening was like one of those movies where one thing leads to another and story gets murkier by the scene. 

Shor in the city...

Uggg movie with Tushar kapoor...ekta kapoor production...who recommended this...well the great Mai did n so did Karan Johar on tweeter...well let's watch it (the tickets were bought anyways)
And so we walked in, I had seen the promos, expected something like Life in a metro, what I got was life in a metro mixed with slumdog somewhat made on the lines of crash n the ring (just the day count really)
Most movies, the individual pieces are good but when put together, assembled, the final version is always lacking...exactly the opposite for this one, for one acting was not that great, slow in parts, and for most of the movie you wonder where the 4 parallel stories are going...they do come together but at a very steep angle. Very suddenly n that knot is thin, doesn't have much substance...
Anyways I loved the visuals of the move, the music and the understated  seemingly point less love stories...but most of all I loved the tone changes...havent seen that in indian movies, and frankly don't remember seeing them in hollywood flicks either...how in one instant you go from laughing really hard to all suspenseful to praying that the kid is alive!!! You are sitting there, all relaxed and suddenly the movie makes you all tense for five minutes and then back to relaxed...and this happens quiet a few number of times...loved that.
Was there a point to any of the stories or subplots, nope, they were just stories...the point of the movie comes out in that one sentence at the end...all stories are based on true newspaper articles...the point is that all of this does happen in India, and frankly is more common then u'd expect. Don't let that turn you off India, like slumdog did, for one, this is a movie which stitches together many stories into one, mostly that doesn't happen unless its an extraordinary life lived, n secondly...this is what makes India India and us Indians and frankly we are 1.2 billion people, the numbers alone explain the variety of people and extremity of incidents!!! Without all this life will be plain boring and pointless...and another thing, for all the bad you see, I think the good in India is far more, but just not exciting enough to make movies on!!!
What else, Indian movies over the past two years have been technically perfect, no half stories, well shot and edited, so was thus and I won't rave about it. Still sometime to go before we create oscar winning movies though, we are still a long way away from making those subtle but hard-hitting movies which put u in deep though n make u speechless out of shock...well the new age film people got over the commercial mindset, now just want someone with some balls!!!
Anyways more then I wanted to say, a great movie, totally unexpected from the people it came from...but then as much as I hate the k serials, they were awesome (and very successful) marketing efforts...this though went beyond, it was arty too!
And one last thing since I already spoke about marketing movies, and the one I am gonna talk about cannot possibly have a full post dedicated to it, dabaang was a perfect example of a movie which was a product of marketing...it was a packaged product!!! 
Enough said...later!
Take care...

state of life...

more then 3 months since i blogged, and somehow didn't really miss it either...easy to say had nothing to write, but not really true...events keep on happening, just that have become so used to these events, they don't seem out of place anywhere, are all expected.

have been doing a state of life for the last 4-5 years, some on paper, some in a diary dad gifted, some in a private blog...didn't do one this year though, lots of things happened last year, small and big, and some huge, but then as i said earlier, have so become used to the big losses and small victories, the 'my life turns on a daily basis, but still stays the same' that nothing really worth mentioning....its like that dance, you step side by side, front and back, but at then end, are at the same spot where you started. : )

so why today, well was watching Anjaana Anjaani...and it got me in the mood. Awesome movie, after a long long time, have come across of good Love Story, a different story line, perfectly executed, good acting, and great songs (16 hours of continuos listening and still not bored) but more than anything, it makes you get into that mood...which tells me its a great movie. 

anyways so what has happened, finally became a senior...in my head before by designation, and as is so true about this great firm, they recognized that...so cheers to that. people came and went, and i learned. Realized i am not as patient anymore, discovered that i can be ruthless when needed, thankfully am ruthless with a human touch. don't and shouldn't become that guy who thinks only with his head, never want to be that. 

Took a trip, got a tour of a city like i have never before...and then the switch flipped. Took 10 years, but it did. and as with anything else, i am quiet benign about it. always wonder if it has actually flipped or am i forcing it too...always wonder if it will flip back again...!

friends became real friends, and they stripped me bare. It is so so scary to hear from an outsider what you have always known, scary because now you know that people understand you, understand how messed up you are, and ultimately agree that one way or the other, life's gonna be screwed up.  amazing that it took me three four sessions (along with some whiteboarding and graphs, mind you) to make them realize this it. :)

discovered a sister and was made to realize how stupid i have been, what having someone who cares about you feels like. will be short lived though...

what else, same old fights, same old living with a guilt....got confronted and the explanation got accepted, some old old friends went away, space filled with new ones.  started missing my alone time, almost struggling to get it back, but the company has become an addiction almost, and as with any other addiction i have, it can only be broken by external factors, i can never break my addictions, too weak for that. 

adopted a dog, debated her age, sex and name...and whether i should keep her. I am, Tangle is the name finally!!!

discovered what i had known for a long time, this time in a more formal front, am good at ideas and design, am bad at execution (mostly because it doesn't interest me at all)...wish i get to do what i love...fighting everyday for it. Consequently discovered my love for mindmaps and whiteboards and flow diagrams and excel sheets and word documents...wish can do that forever.  came up with ideas which as like with all my ideas made me believe i can change the world...if only if i execute them. 

got into something that i know is all wrong, and still is right, the only problem is that with all the experiences and all the practical gyaan i keep on getting, have lost the confidence to trust that one right i see in all the wrong...thats something i have lost now. too bad...discovered how crazy i can be, how much i love gifting and how single mindedly i work to make things happen when i want to, thankfully the 'if you believe it more than anything else, then entire world conspires to make it happen' funda showed up again, happy for that. 

any mindset change, not really, not significantly at least...still the same old lazy mind which gets fired up by ideas, works them out and then wants to move on to something else...is there any place in this world for minds like that??!?

anyways, bottom line, life is as it was, will it stay as it is, i don't even know now what i want the answer to be for that question....

so thats it, nothing else to say, state of my life, public now...!

and since the PS has become to cliched now, in my head at least, i'll just skip it but is the apartment building at the end of the movie, where Zaid lives, is it the one you went to check out??!?