had a agile project management session to attend early morning one of the days last week...and as much as I try, I am either very early, or quite late for these sessions...well it was the latter this time, but then instead of attending the session had a free wheeling gyaan discussion with (for the lack of a better term) the office ladies, and said out some fundas out open. 

one of the things I mentioned was how women are always ready to take help from other women, people in general when in a problem. Or even when they don't want to do something...gave the example of my mum, who in 5 years of scooty driving never, even once filled fuel in it herself, always used to be me. well thats just the build up for the example, whenever her scooty would break down on the road, and with vehicles at that time, it was quite often, the scooty overflow ho gaayi hai problem required multiple kickstarts, and mom would always get some passerby to help her out. Always!!! She has even got people to push the scooty to a puncture shop and get the puncture done. I thought it was my mum's smartness, but the office ladies tell me, thats with all women. 

well so that was just a point I made, the real observation is that the younger generation, the girls who are between 18 - 22 maybe, even till 24 - 25, don't take help. They don't ask for it, they don't take it if offered, you almost need to force them to take. Remember this incident with a significant other long time back, when we had just started getting close, her scooty got punctured and she didn't call me, till it became to difficult for her to push the vehicle. and so I was thinking why is that...why in latter stages, it becomes easy for you to ask for help then when you are young...is it because you have that arrogance which only a young person can have, the arrogance of not being defeated by life at every day battles, or maybe in the case of girls, its just a feminist streak which is always present when they are young, the I can do everything on my own attitude, which really comes out of maybe their fathers and brothers and all telling them, arrey tum yea nahi kar sakti, yea ladkiyon ka kaam nahi hai...don't know what exactly, but this is for sure, as you experience life, this fundas that youngsters have in their heads, out of watching movies, or out of unrealized ideals, start breaking down a bit. 

another example, there is someone in my team, quite young, same category as I was 5 years ago, not arrogant, but quite uptight. Organized a fun event some time back, the idea was for everyone to have fun, but my dear mix breed wanted to enforce the rules...and i was like, let them have fun. and then realized, that at some time many years ago, I was exactly like that, today am not at al. I too was a control freak, I too was very idealistic, I too was very arrogant and I too was very very brash, but then again, as you experience life more and more, that arrogance kind of tempers down.

so do i like myself more now then I did back then, well not sure. At that point there were not consequences, there was just do it kinda attitude, there was not caring what might happen, what people will say kinds...just the will to do something. Today, I know of the consequences, but what I like is, even though knowing what might happen, I keep on pushing the barriers, doing what I really want to...and that I am proud of!

well not really connected to what ever BS I typed out above, another thing I realized is how scared people are to even risk breaking those unwritten, undefined rules which exist everywhere. Even for rules which are not defined at al, for these grey areas, the first immediate reaction is not to even enter the grey area, even if in your head you believe you are within your boundaries, and its ok. No, even if its ok, lets not risk it is the default answer. 

I have always known what would be acceptable by conventional, orthodox wisdom, and knowing that, am always the one who pushes the boundaries a little bit...bends the rubber band just a enough so that it doesn't break, and still get to do something which stands out. Very very important to do that, to test the waters

Laters

#FromTheMovies

thats the hashtag I use when quoting movie dialogues on my twitter feed...and today after some time did a couple. There were many more but then found some deeper questions and so decided just to blog...
so the movies today were 'Last Night' and 'London, Paris, New York' (think that is the sequence).
so the first, english arty farty pic released last year, deals with a couple, in which both have have a chance of having a extra marital affair. well i won't go in the details, but the gist is that the guy in the couple has what really was a one night stand just for sex, and the girl in the couple meets up with her true love but still resists have sex, although they do spend a very emotional night together. but no hanky panky.
so well watch the movie, not an awesome movie really, Keira knightly looks as beautiful and as thin as ever, and am sure a hundred girls with die for the french guy, plus the movie is based in NY which is always high for me, love NY. anyways the thought...
was thinking which is more unacceptable, which would hurt more...a one night 'just sex' stand without any emotional attachments, or on where you are with the love of your life, and you share more chemistry and more stories with that person then with the one ur married with and even though there was no sex, in that one night u became more closer to this one person then to ur wife / husband? which is worse, which hurts more?
I guess it all depends on what you count as cheating, just sex or that conversation...just a question, don't want to dwell on it too much.
the other was the oft used multi city, spread over many years love story story line...but I think first one in Hindi...and quite different from the ones  I have seen till date. Always wanted to see this one, liked the treatment of the movie, was intrigued by the snippets in the trailer and also by Hyderi...who is has a certain intellectual, fun look that I like, and more then anything, someone who evokes a lot of curiosity.
anyways the movie didn't disappoint, my expectations were anyways low so...but yea good movie to see.
True love never leaves you behind...it always is there lurking somewhere at the back of your head, and it always makes its presence felt from time to time. You move on in life mind you, you have different people in ur life and u have a career and many have kids and all...and I have still not validated this but true love always shows its presence in you life, throughout your life. :)
its happened in my dads life, a story which I think is too personal to write here, but some day I shall recount it in a comment on this post...
another thing...its amazing when we let the small inconsequential things come in the way of love...I mean the ego fights, the you should have proposed first and what will people say and what not...its just idiotic. because the small inconsequential things will take away the one chance you had of having an awesome life. And yes, you can live a happy life, maybe even a content life, but you cannot live an awesome, every day is a dream life. So well my advice, now and forever is this...if you love someone truly, don't bother about the practical things, they will pan out and solve themselves.
In any case, if you have fallen in true love, you are lucky, because, whether it comes true or not, you will always have something beautiful and white.
PS: i always wanted to live every story...and not sure if its the movies I am picking or what, but do see myself already living (or lived) a lot of these stories. for eg I have lived the 'in the moment' story in this one...the thing is, as much as I like doing so, most of the stories I live don't conclude on a good note, they cannot because if they do, I won't be able to live another story...and if there are no happy conclusions...then there is a lot of pain and hurt and missing. :(
whether I still wanna live all the stories, or just wanna settle for one...i still don't know. :-|
oh and btw, one of these days I might end up giving a speech like the one at the end of the second one...and not just complain to one person, but to many many people!!! :D
till the next movie...quite a personal post...just missing!!!

Vicky donor

So i just saw the movie and no, i wont review it. Its an easy movie to review, except for the antiquated tight asses who might have found the movie disgusting but still laughed out loud watching it, am sure most liked it, enjoyed it.

And am not gonna say about how hindi movies have become technically flawless and all that...said many times (was one of the first to see it coming btw) but this one just goes to prove the point a bit more.

So one thing which was different about the movie was how the stereotypes about different regions was so portrayed in the movie. If you have lived and interacted with people from different areas, you should have experienced their weirdities first hand. Bongs r like this, punjus like that, so on. Its not true for every person, but overall quite true. 

In the movies, these weirdities have always been shown in a snide way, in a very contemptful, demeaning, n mostly slapstick stupid comedy way, but suddenly, in a couple of movies before this n for sure in this one its been portrayed in a more mature albeit still humorous way. Its part of the story, not just making fun of some poor side character actor, which was good to see!

Why suddenly was a question and I guess its just a sign of how India has been changing because of the new economy and modern jobs n businesses. More n more people are leaving their homes n working elsewhere, going out of the protection of their communities and cities n coming in contact with the so called outsiders. Take bangalore for exapmle, there seem to be more outsiders here then native kannadigans, and more n more are they interacting. I today live with a marathi n an android, n my friends include a maru, a gujju, a tamillian, a jaat n well people from everywhere.

Just saying that the new business has made India more integrateed, we used to be like how america was, not aware of the rest of the world, had these unsubstantiated ideas about diff countries. In India everyone from south was madrasi, everyone up north was a delhiet. And ofcourse both were bad! But today delhiets know that there are 7 sourthern states, n southies know that north and north indians are different from delhi n delhiets.

And the surest sign of our country actually integrating was when i saw north east people in guju land. U see them in blr quite often, but Gujarat is like the opposite side of the country. Really liked the fact that they were there n doing good jobs. Not the stereotypical waiters n beauty parlor girls. Dont take me wrong, they ventured out 10 years ago to mostly bangalore, n now have gained enough confidence to start working in the main stream. They are still not accepted, but another then years n one of the most cut off arms of the country won't be so!

Anyways, I need to learn how to be conscise n not ramble on, but am not writing my best anyways so its ok. Bear with me.

Another thing which was different was how the girl (very pretty, n a good actress) was shown as a divorcee n how it was handled in the movie. Well frankly, all the families were real, they were not the ideal happy indian family, neither were they the convoluted political k serial families, they were real families, which dont think has been shown in commercial indian flicks, in arty farty movies yes but not here. And another thing which is quite personal is alliances between different communities, bong n punju in this case. Something i have lived through, something which was always looked down upon but maybe thats changing.

I dont know whether the movies are portraying the societal changes or the movies are leading them, I wouldn't say that our society has changed n become more liberal n accepting, or that we have super progressionist film makers, think its one foot leading the other n both moving forward…in any case its a good development for this country.

Someday we will actually become and integrated India!!!

Cheers to that, laters!


PS: and although the male version of has become really famous, I like the female version more...can't find a good video version online so heres the original!!

thoughts and ramblings

there has suddenly been a lot of focus on introverts...a book, a TED video, a question asked and many conversations. I am an introvert (always knew it, and retook the test as well, 100% introversion is what it says), but most people are surprised when I tell them that. Am very good at public speaking, and I have lots of acquaintances (820 of them if u go by my FB friends list) plus am known to conduct parties and social events and stuff...so how can I be an introvert. Well there you go, you don't understand introversion. Its different from being shy and quiet, its all about where you get your energy from. If you get it from inside you, you are an introvert. If your ideas excite  you more, if living in your own mind and your own small little world makes you peaceful, you are an introvert. signs of introversion, you feel suffocated after you have been in a crowd for some time, after every conversation with someone (esp if they are like 2 - 3 other people) you wanna go back to you shell and recuperate, because conversations are energy sapping for you. If your own ideas excite you more then talking to someone else, you are an introvert.

So that said, is it a bad thing? from my point of view introverts are finely balanced, they are quite self dependent for their ideas and all, and so come up with original out there stuff, which I don't see a lot of extroverts doing. Secondly, since they are not really shy, they are able to propagate these ideas and work in teams. Its just that sometimes its socially awkward for a group of extroverts to work / party with introverts, because introverts kind of are quite observing kinds, and so sap out the energy out of work meetings, parties et al. But I am a part of a very extrovert group, both at work and home, and they have gotten used to it. The other thing about introversion is we stay quite only with people we consider strangers, but once we have made good friends with people, they become an extension of us and so we talk easier. 

so that was my take on introversion...why, well someone again questioned that I am not an introvert, and someone really senior at work, in a 'culture' session, said that there is no place for introverts in the firm. and that pissed me off, what he was saying is there is not place for shy people, but then him being so senior, can't attribute this to his ignorance and let it go. Well most imp person in tech in blr, you shall not gain my respect!!!

wow for thoughts and ramblings, this is already quite long. 

anyways point wise now

1. young people (including when I was in that age group) are more concerned about their privacy and letting info out and holding on to stuff and more controlling and what not. saw this in a couple of instances this week, someone finally made me friends on fb, but still nothing is shared. and someone in a causal social fun event wanted everyone to behave and all...I used to be like that, always wanted to hold on to my secrets, no one knew about her for the longest of times, and always wanted some discipline when i used to lead. Not sure when i changed and why, well for the first secrecy thing, it was conscious, i decided to let go, for a period of time everyone around me knew everything about me, and guess that was a bit extreme, but today a lot of people know a lot about me and that has helped make stronger friendships. on the other part, the controlling factory, guess it was just experiences i guess. the thing with controlling something is that you have to hold really tight something to control it, but things still escape out, and that makes you feel irritated and you react in angry ways...it doesn't help at all...better is to have a few key rules, and thats it. these rules are the ones that matter the most, and which handle the most grave consequences...let the rest pan out. The environment will be more relaxed, and because there are few rules, people kind of feel morally responsible. 

2. its amazing how people can be so predictable sometimes, or maybe experiences enable you to predict some people so well...I was able to predict someones moves so well today was surprised. I don't know if there are just a limited number of stories and limited number of moves in the worlds, but man, someone surprise me...do something which I haven't anticipated...all the same moves, all the same games!!!

3. So the eternal question of what should you do...what you love or what you are good at, well I am doing ok at something that i neither love, nor am good at. but thats a different thing. if what you love is what your are good at, then ur golden. In my case I don't know that yet!

4. Being different is something I have always done, its a driving force behind everything i do, be different, think different, live different. I don't think it started out because I just wanted to be different for the sake of it, but really because i had come from a different background, was differently natured and like different things. But yep, a contributing factor was also the want to stand out. anyways, i lost my way for sometime but trying to get back there. 

what i wanted to say and maybe this deserves a post of its own is that thinking that you develop from wanting to be different helps. being different in the frist place, doing things differently in itself brings you attention (many time negative, but as i always say infamy is a way to being famous), it brings something fresh, unexpected and so the buzz is always inbuilt, its different so it has to be original. The risks are higher, risks of rejection, but once you start on that path, you kind of get a hang of how much you can push the rubber band before it snaps. And most important is that as long as you are not being different for just the sake of it, as long as there is a logical rational reasons behind it (or you can conjure one up), people take it as, 'oh well he tried something diff, and failed' and you can take solace to it as well.

So last line, be different, not for the sake of it, but because thats the only way to stand out for urself and making the world more colorful. else everyone everywhere would be just the same!!!

was itching to write but clearly just wanting to write and writing well are two different things, and this time the first didn't lead to the second. :(

crests and thaws!!!

was thinking about Yuvraj Singh, how life takes a turn, a year back he was at the highest point in his career and just some time later, struggling to just to stay alive. Then started looking at the trend and realized that he has always had an ups and downs life, just before the world cup he was out of the team and well right from the start of his career, one thing or the other.
and I have known people like that, people who always have ups and downs. People who'd seem normal, everyday to most, they live through such highs and lows...and was wondering why?
and now my thoughts are getting a bit muddled, so the post shall be too this point on.
well one thing that i know about these people is that they all are never satisfied, they all look out for more, and not in a negative sense, but they never compromise with what they have. For some its a very consicous effort, for some (like me) its very unconscious. We never get peace till we get what we wanted. Some can put what they want in words, some like me 'just feel it', and cannot put in words.
But they are all the same, they unconsciously want something, and consciously never settle for anything else. and because of this they keep on taking risks, they keep on doing things that most other satisfied people would not. They grab at those opportunities where success rate would be less...or like me where it really is zero (stupidity i know, but kya kare). They'd risk making the same mistake, hoping against hope that that 1% chance of success might actually come true.
These people hurt more, they suffer far more, and many times they also become immune faster...but these are also the people who feel euphoria in the true sense. These are also the people who touch the boundaries of that awesome euphoric state, simply because their pursuit of what they wanted was so deeply seethed, so unconscious and so pure, that when they do achieve, its takes over everything else.

And i also believe that these are the people who have more of a chance to change the world, make a dent!

Its a painful journey, but i have always believed at the end of the journey, whether you achieved it or not, you might be bitter, but you won't be guilty.

PS: published a post in a half awake state yesterday, and took it down today. First time i did so, re read it, in addition to the hundred spelling mistakes (apparently the space on the iPad keyboard doesn't function too well), it was a really negative post, and so not me. But it did come from me and i'd blame that on my fickle state of mind now a days. But that apart, the blog was never meant to be about me, to some extent it is, but one thing it was not and will never be is negative.

oh and the title of the post, a term we came up with long time back...and has shaped a big part of my thinking. Because of this term, for the longest of times steadiness bored me, and to some extent it still does. 

The list

1. Go away...leave everything and go where no one know me and start completely afresh 2. Visit one of the lands - greenland, finland, iceland...some place where its cold n white n alone 3. Do good for people...start a or many sustainable businesses and help people help themselves 4. Start a platform business to make people execute their ideas...where people can come n start their internet busineses, and leave when it suceeds...no stings attached bu a 1% stake 5. Give a thankyou speech with my closest people are in the audience and the world listening. 6. Come as close to death as possible, and stay there for sometime. 7. Keep making seemingly impossible jumps...keep saying 'fuck, that was easy'! 8. Die alone and with my own bullet, and when i am bored because ih ave done everything or am tired of trying! 9. Know a girl of each sunsign there is..! 10. Write my autobiography, and have enough of a life to fill a thousand pages! Publish after i am gone. 11. Go bungee jumping. 12. Know a lot of cities...live in them till i know the soul of the city. 13. Have no enemies...but a lot of people who consider me their best friend. 14. Live a life such that when i die, frontpage headline just says, 'bose, dead!!!'. 15. Buy a triumph bike, keep my enfield forever! 16. Start a school academy system for unpriviledged children..! 17. Never stop falling in love. 18. Find someone who stays with me forever. 19. Continue living a life of contradictions. 20. Live my beliefs..! Sent from my iPad

the value of good will...

Live blogging after a long time...need to write something!

read this long time back...was an article in I think one of the international business magazines... Forbes I think...they tried to justify CSR at that point, of course it was before the time this term (Corporate Social Responsibility) was even coined. 

For the first time, someone, in this article justified the value of CSR, put a business value to it. Basically they said that CSR earns good will for a corporate, good will which is of no apparent value when everything is good, but pays back rich dividends when the cards are down, when the corporate is going through big problems. there are examples galore of this...companies which have been doing good, and when they are fighting downhill loosing battles, peoples, through banks et al come to help them out. 

And since this funda came into the fore, companies have also used it. Be it Tata's who after the West Bengal fiasco made an advert highlighting how they changed lives of people working for Tata, or how Coke, after it was discovered that they were using polluted water in Kerala, highlighted how they were giving back some huge percentage of water back to the earth by water harvesting and recycling. 

Good will pays back surely, and not just for corporates but for us beings as well...and I today saw a live example of it. For all that I have not achieved, for all the potential that apparently went wasted, I have been a really good person, a nice person in the true sense always, and many many times, I and people who care have questioned the value of it...of whether someday when I need it, when I need people to help me, stand up for me, whether they will...!

Today when facing some major challenges, at work and in life, that good will, those birthdays and parties that i made fun, those pickups and drops which ensure that people reached safely home, is helping me out. 

I have been getting help from unexpected quarters, in the form of simple encouragement, in the form of hand holding and in this case, someone actually standing up for me and helping me out fight a battle. 

Today it touched me, today my status says a heartfelt thanks, because more then anything, one of my basic fundas, something I live by, came true today...there is karma in this world and it surely comes back. Whatever you sow, you reap.

Good things happen to Good people, stated Sreesh today in her elation of seeing me get this chance...and I so truly believe that...simply because I know that there are so many more good people in this world then those few assholes...just that they are so understated out of their niceness, that it doesn't become so apparent, their power many times seems undetectable, but believe me that understated power, works like a silent killer...it decimates, decimates slowly and very clinically!!!

so be good, in the face of all the bad, just be good, stick to ur principles, the good in the world will back you up, stand up for you and many times prop you up when you need it the most...earn that good will, not because it will pay back, but because thats the only way to live a  good life, a life which you feel proud of on your deathbed!!!

the battles on, but I have enough support to endure and hopefully win it...

later.

Rules and me...

Wrote about corruption and me sometime back...and at the time basically told myself  I won't be corrupt. Will pay the fine or live the hard life, but till its possible, won't be corrupt. 

but then since then, and its not been so long, there have only been a couple of incidents where there was the temptation to bribe, one was for a traffic rule violation (where fine was not even an option apparently, I was prodded to bribe, or my vehicle would be taken kinds, anyways stood my ground and won the battle that day) and another was for comfort.

Anyways someone close when through an incident recently, which kind of left me fuming. Not to bore you with the story, they were drinking (and moderately at that) and having hookah, at their own house, seems neighbors complained about the noise (there were not playing music, only 5 friends playing pictionary) and cops showed up. Thulas really, or hawaldars. They searched the house, found a couple of empty beer bottles, couple of hookahs and started haggling. Started with 3 lacs.  Ultimately the 5 ended up paying a pretty big amount and ran from the spot in what they jokingly refer to as their DK Bose moment. 

anyways...so why am I fuming and where do rules come in.  

Well this happened in the big city in the 'dry state'. and since its a dry state, having a single bottle of beer at your place means your are breaking the law and can be put behind the bars for an unbailable offense against your name. Really, 1 bottle is all it takes. These guys were at home, not high and pretty much just enjoying their house warming party. and that should be fine, but since the rules or law says that its not, it gave an opportunity to the cops to just extort money!

I am not a big fan of rules,  they are the opposite of freedom. Rules are generic, static and mostly archaic. They are inefficient, have to be enforced, and by their nature are prone to being broken. Rules by nature are unnatural...they always try to change or block the natural way something would be done. But then I understand the requirement of rules, well 1.2 billion people with a handful of not the best of the breed governing them, what choice do you have but to make a million rules. If you'd have more creative people governing us then maybe we'd have more natural ways of controlling things, but well look at Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha, thats not gonna happen. 

So ok, we have rules, agree there is no other easy way of managing things, it makes life easier and predictable for most. A rule kind of brings everyone to the same plane, it applies to everyone, and so for the 80% junta, it works. 

Well the problem is with that 20% exception to whom the rule should not apply too, who get unfairly treated because of that rule, who loose their freedom because of that rule. For eg, in the case about, it was a house party, they were not drunk, and had not created (ok a little bit) any ruckus, so how was it fair for 5 cops to barge into their HOME and extort money because they broke a 'RULE'. 

So what to do, rules are necessary, but then I think that the enforcer of that rule should have the judgement and power to make exceptions. and if not, the person or institution above should, and it should be ensured that the decision to enforce the rules goes to that point in the ladder. 

Also there should be a will on everyones part to obey the rules till it is actually necessary to take the exception route. Me for example only break rules when necessary, and that really in some ways has helped me, because when i have a reason to break the rule (which is different from convenience and all that), I mostly have found myself not getting caught. 

anyways, one of my worst posts, and really a rant!!! Still was fuming and so...

take care. 

Missing!!!

This is personal...I hate goodbyes, i have left behind and been left behind so many times very early in my life that i kind of trained myself not to get attached to anything. Don’t get me wrong, when i am in it i give my everything, because i dont know what limits are or how to protect myself, even knowing what i am gonna lose soon. But i never ever get attached enough, open up enough knowing the fact that its not gonna stay. Although the selfish other person never realizes this because i have always found them not to care enough about me, as long as the selfish them is getting all from me they are happy. When i have asked for a semblance of the same in return it has come as a rude shock, and on more then one occasion led to them leaving me!

I have been asked many times, will you be there forever...but i have never asked (and in a sense wanted) that from anyone. Some how i know its not gonna happen, somehow i know if it does, as a corollary to give everything to that one person, i will be limiting myself to that one person.

But its managed to happen twice till date, one very early on and another recently! First time on I was too immature to know that it won't stay, i still had not understood myself. and frankly if that would have stayed, i would have been very very different. That’s in the past.

Second time was very recent, and knowing all the risks, having been told about all the risks, warned and sometimes manipulated and forced into realizing it, i still got into it. Because that’s the only way i know how to live. Give in everything, live it while it lasts. Now its gone and for the first time I want it not to...I want to live it in any form possible!!!

Big gap is what her going away has been termed, and I hate the fact its termed like that. I dont see it as a big gap, because that would be very selfish way of putting it. Its far more, and frankly so personal, its indescribable!

Some say that there will be someone else who will fill that gap, and really I don't want to fill it with someone else. I don't want that space being taken up by anyone else, always want it empty for her to come and fill in whenever she wants!

Sounds more n more like am talking about a love interest, well the first instance I was, this one is a sister, but someone who unknowingly ended up being a true friend, a roomie, a hookah partner and someone who cares about me!

I will miss you, and really i will never let your gap fill up. For the first time i want someone to stay forever!

You will always have someone wishing the best for you, forever, that is what i give in return to you for making me feel cared for last one year!

Bose!!!

On a final note, n really as an explanation for the kinda misinterpretations which are gonna crop up, names given to relationships dont really matter. What matters is true love any form.

From Evernote:

Being honest about being dishonest

This blog, crimson blues, starts with a question, to no one but myself, should i start, will i be able to end.But really this was never the start, the start was a black leather jacket notebook, with a pen holder, gifted by my dad. Till date am amazed that he recognised that the lonely me needed an outlet to express myself. Well so it started, i always wanted to be an anonymous writer, and almost instinctively my posts never had any names, just refrences to people and places. Wanted it that way because didnt want to hurt anyone, esp myself. Also never wanted it to be marketable, always wrote from heart. Never thinking whether i will get enough readers or google ads. 

But over a period of time vanity took over, and so i put it up on fb. 

Somewhere though i think i also wanted full disclosure, the blog captures a lot of the grey of my life, and i thought that maybe making that public would get me some kind of redemption. It was really me saying sorry to the world, you know owing up to my mistakes kinds. 

Anyways at that point didnt realise the repurcussions...got into a lot of problems. The issue is that the posts are pretty convoluted, i never say things directly, so a lot of people misunderstood me. Thankfully when i explained, many understood. I think the only person who doesnt is my dad, ironic, he made me start down this path.

The question is, and that i have always asked is, will i change. Will i start considering what repurcussions this would have, who (and really me) will it hurt...and i think, no. Because if i do, the blog will just die, and with it, a part, a very close true important part of me will die.

 

So just to reaffirm, and since i got reminded of it...here goes! 

  

This story happenened many years back, 10 years, and now is kinda faded. But its one of the many I feel guilty about and so here goes...

Long time back knew someone undescribably special, and soon after I met her, in my adolescent love, hacked through her account, it was easy, security question was first dogs name and she had had only one. Read a couple of mails, n then the guilt of doing sth wrong overwhelmed me, n I never did it again!

As a reciprocation, made up a bahana and gave her my password, and sometime later She confessed that she read some of my mails. I had not stopped her from, and she didnt have to tell me...but incredible she was even then! She felt bad, and i consoled but never confessed.

Sorry seems insignificant, bringing this up would be more hurtful to all, but had to be said!

 

Take care!  

 

PS - thanks for being my best friend, n i dont mean u here, but u also! :) 

 

Also

Sometime back palli asked me what i my identity is, and after some thinking (the entire i dont want to limit myself to an identity, want to be everything funda) but at that point realised that the one thing which defines me is this blog, my writings! And to date, i believe in it. The blog is not just me, but my ideas, my thoughts, the only place where i put in any opinion, my beliefs, my truths...everything which defines me! 

to the disappearing art of writing in cursive on paper with a fountain pen...

in a nice plush leather jacket diary gifted by dad with yellowing lined papers, using a thin nib fountain pen filled with royal blue ink in running cursive with a bent left hand...as the writer says...writing is personal, intimate...and brings joy!!!
and to this disappearing art, haven't read a better eulogy - http://moreintelligentlife.com/content/ideas/ann-wroe/handwriting-elegy
PS: as i said somewhere else, writing can take solace in the fact that typing is gonna disappear soon...you will just have to talk and Iris (my Siri) will do the rest!!!

My dots...connected now!!!

the post is about me...So stop reading right here if not interested. Don't complaint later that you were not warned...

 The thought was there for long time ago, not sure if it originally came after watching the video above.

Anyways heres how I ended up doing what I do today...

• Left handed, write with bent wrist, american style, only in cursive, only with a fountain pen, beautiful handwriting though... 
• 10th board, english tution teacher warns gujju board teachers won't be able to read what i write, will fail...
• Mom and teacher conspire to make me right handed, end up straighting my writing arm a bit and screwing up my handwriting a lot...Fluent Cursive handwriting changes too painful illegible symbols...
• Start hating writing with hand, learn typing, get new comp, love it...
• Go to college, forbidden to submit typed assignements, fear of cheating, I rebel, only give typed reports...almost flunk, but continue to do so...
• Learn MS Word, and learn CorelDraw and computers in general before any of my batch...
• 4th year, have to solve 3rd n 4th degree structural design equations by trial and error, prefer to do it in drag and drop Excel...
• Make structural design program in 4th year, proffs dont like it, say i cheated, almost flunk me...
• 5th year, see program on discovery, early version of 3D printing using GA...have it in back of my head...
• Last hour before thesis proposal deadline, guide rejects my idea, tried and tested he say, rejects the proposal and declines to be my guide...
• Go to lib, search for GA, with vague understanding come up with just the title of the thesis, ask a new first timer prof to by my guide, submit proposal, get accepted into the programme.
• Write a 10,000 line program, with out any knowledge of coding, end up with a super awesome, but not appreciated or even understood software...
• Hear about 'systems' during thesis, apply for MBA in systems, bad interview, but sell my thesis, get accepted.
• 2 year MBA, learn nothing, placements, Goldman on campus, technical profile...not interested, but don't get through dream BA at deloitte interviews so reluctantly sit...
• Clear test n Group games, first question in first interview..rate ur self on these never heard of technologies... Almost given up, Mathew asks about thesis...sell it!!!
• And a kid with bad handwriting ends up in Technology...!

Moral, you never know what leads to what...as Jobs says, connecting the dots is easy in the past...just keep doing what your heart tells you too...what i add is never run away from an experience, it will come in use someday, if it doesnt you atleast had an experience and lived a bit more! 

take care.

Sent from my iPad

About the forbidden fruit

From Evernote:

Something about the forbidden fruit

Apple, and not the fruit because a lots been written about that, but the company really. Well lots has been written about it too, and not much I can add, but since I have to defend it day in and day out, thought I'd just settle it once and for all. So next time you get into an argument and find me not defending Apple (just because I find it pointless), well dont think you won, because am gonna point you right to this post.

Anyways so first heres my attempt at describing apple, people say its a technology firm, well no, thats google, simply because they do tech for the sake of tech. Just because they know they can do cool stuff with tech, they make products to showcase that tech. They are not a consumer products company, thats Samsung and Sony, and they are not a content company, they don't generate any content of their own, although given what Jobs did with Pixar, they could be awesome at that as well. And lets not even talk about Microsoft, they are just driven by revenues, and so are really a selling company, and frankly not worth even discussing here.

So what is apple, well in the simplest terms they are a marketing firm. I learnt marketing from Prof Chandan Chatterjee, and the one thing that stuck is any company is about just two things, the idea and the marketing of that Idea. Apple isin't really the idea generator, they didnot come up with the touchscreen, they didnt come up with the distribution model...but they knew how to use them. And how to build on it!

Marketing starts from the idea, the inception, and all the way upto the demise of the idea and everything in the middle. Marketing is really the lifecycle of an idea, and Apple is awesome at that.

So what really makes Apple different. well,

1. They are consumer focussed - for apple the only thing that matters and that drives there every decision is the for the end users.
2. And most of the times it is by knowing that users dont know what they want, and if they do, someone else will build it. Apple guides, coaxes and many times forces the users into choices. Think no floppy drives, think no focus groups.
3. Apple is disciplined - they have strong strong almost unshakable culture, out of which comes this discipline, an example of which is the secrecy around their products, its not easy in todays media centric world to keep a secret and Apple does that all the time. That takes discipline, which i think really comes out of the DNA of Jobs.
4. And the culture also gives Apple its balls, the company as a whole is not affected by what the users want it to do, they are not scared of what other companies are doing, they dont launch products because they have to be in a space. And they have the guts to say no, say no to flash for example. And not to make a low cost product which doesnt have a cohesive and complete set of features
5. Apple is all about give something which is perfect (as per them) or not give at all. That is why rejected 3 different Tablet prototypes, before going ahead with the iPad. They wait for things, they don't give half baked products ala Microsoft. 
6. Design, design and design and keeping it simple. They know users are not tech savvy, they know that technology is a tool to make life easier and convinient, and not everything. They know that tech is a part of life and not life itself, and so they design and redesign till technology becomes intutive. They also know what technology can do and should do for you, and dont try to make the panacea for everything, only the things possible and logical.
7. Thinking of platforms and not individual products or services. They build complete cohesive solutions, which might includes multiple products / services, which talk seamlessly to each other. And they know where to stop, they dont try to integrate with the world, only things which are possible, and sustainable. 
8. Control everything, because then only can you achieve what you dreamed off...and so be pervasive, in the entire vertical of design to manufacturing column. They make their own processors all the way up to productivity apps. And horizontally as well. From their helpdesk to retail stores.
9. Being different - and not for the sake of being so, but because it makes sense and then because it makes them stand out. They question everything, why should an iPad have 5 Mpx camera when the only practical use for it can be video calling? Why can't an Apple store be more then just place to sell, why can't it be an experience instead of a shop, and why can't it become a monument in a city as full of modern monuments as New York. And being diferent in everything.
10. And so many other smaller reasons...some of which others have, but hardly any company has most of them, and none, none have all! 

Well so that said, this was not really what inspired me to write this post, the inspiration was that after a lot of searching I finally found something wrong with the company...the lack of giving back. And that is the one reason my Venture will be differnet. A lot of articles, on Apple becoming the most valued company for some hours, made the point that even though sitting on 300+ billion dollars, apple doesn't give back. And not only as charity, they also dont give back to the technology estblishment. They dont contribute in open source projects, they dont share they code, their knowledge. They dont let their engineers host events and talk about tech. Why so I dont know, charity part, giving money out, I dont believe in either, but contributing to the community and letting everyone progess instead of hiding behind patents, that I do. Maybe they believe the best way they can contribute is by making awesome products, or maybe they just don't want to, i don't know, maybe thats the part of the apple which got bitten off, but something, in my humble opinion, they should do.

And why the forbidden fruit, well because, once you get a taste of it, there is nothing else which can please you. Point in case, my second iPhone is as good as dead and i still won't change it for an android or anything out there, simply because, there are no phones for me, just iPhones. Too much i know!!! 

PS: I havent worked at Apple and I dont have first hand knowledge of how they function, this is all from my reading about Apple, and from experiencing there products and services and more then anything thinking about them. And most of all, because I admire the company to the point of being passionate. So if my facts are wrong, please feel free to point out, if you disagree and have valid point please comment. Don't talk about things like Apple is elitist and Apple culture is un-democratic. They might be, and I give a damn!!! 

Not Random...

I have for the longest times believed there is no such thing as random. Well when I say for the longest of times, the thought actually came when I was writing my thesis and required a random number generator for some GA work. Excel (yep my thesis was written in the humble Excel) had a random number generator, where you put in an upper value and a lower value and a random number will be generated between those two values. Now I thought, you are anyways limiting the range, and since the significance is also decided, there are a limited number of values that the number generated can take...!

also and more importantly, there has to be some algorithm by which the number is generated, which means if you have the algorithm, there is not such thing as random. 

What is random, but something which cannot be determined beforehand. So basically what we are saying is random can come out of only things where we don't have a way to predict the next value, we don't know the trend or the pattern or the algorithm. 

But the thought is just because we don't know it, doesn't mean someone else doesn't know. Who ever built it would surely know it, because s/he wrote the algorithm or designed the pattern in the first place. Its just that we are seeing such a small part of the pattern, we are not even seeing one block of the pattern and so don't even realize that there is one, and thus assume its random. As you go higher, and you understand more of the pattern, you can start predicting. 

Or maybe its just so complex that you have not worked out all the factors which affect it, one you do, you know the algo and end of randomness.

So the idea is that whatever level you are at, everything that you are seeing below will form a pattern and so be understandable and predictable and not random, where as everything above you, won't be, because you are below its level and still climbing, and maybe even part of it. If you have seen X-Files, there is an episode where Scully and Moulder know that the clue to something is on the floor...but can't make out. Then Moulder climbs a staircase and looks down, and he can make out a box X. So as you rise above the level, you realize what it is. 

Come to think of it, I first saw this in my 9th std class, where a really strict (and as you will see bored) Gujju language proff would ask students to read from the textbook. And like any other language teacher, he would pick random students, so that everyone was paying attention. In one class I paid attention to how he was choosing students, and after about 7-8 students, a pattern emerged. And I started predicting the totally random selection and became the hero for the day...(because now I told whose chance was next and so everyone else could relax). Ofcourse after I realized the pattern, I completely lost interest in it, was almost like 'thats it, i thought he would be more intell then that'.

Well anyways, so the thing is that once you realize and work out something you always kinda loose interest and move on. So going by that theory, at some date, way way into the future, we should be able to work out everything, and then there shall be no random. Everything shall be known, and that truly will be the end of progress and human kind. 

But this is where it gets interesting, I truly believe, that we will never be able to get to that stage, even if Mankind survives for infinity, simply because complexity also tends to infinity (or maybe it just has a headstart).  But as soon as you unravel something, you will realize that something is part of something larger (or in case of cells and molecules and atoms and so on, is composed of something smaller) which now needs to be unraveled. So at both ends of the scale there is something which will always be there to be discovered. So no, we haven't found the smallest particle, and yes there surely are multiple universes, and it might not just stop there. 

Its like expenses and money, expenses always grow to equal and surpass the money you have, or work and time, work always expands to fill the amount of free time you have. 

And why is that, maybe because all organisms are ambitious, and not really ambitious but all organisms need to survive, and to survive means to do better then what you have been till now. And so out of that ambition, comes the need to understand more and more, so that we can control what we understand and then move on. Am thinking what happened to cockroaches then, why did they stop evolving a million years ago, were they the ones who got real peace??!? :D

another scenario really is, and this goes completely against what i believe in, is that maybe there is  a creator, a creator of everything. In which case, two points, one, whatever we have cannot be infinite, because there is capacities to every ones ability, and secondly, maybe the creator is just cheating (or being intelligent), and as soon as we realize a pattern, s/he goes ahead and changes it, modifies it. 

well...whatever it is, we are never gonna find out. so chill.

and no no, am not high, its just Monday!
take care. thanks for reading till this point, and my sincere aplogies. :P

The allpowerful almighty...

With nothing to do, am sitting on my balcony just staring at space n having a text discussion with a friend far away about God...N when the texts started reading like a blogpost, thought I'd rather blog then bore palli to death so here goes..

I don't really believe in God, I have been conditioned to yes, n so out of habit I bow in front of temples n say Jai Bhagwanji whenever wishing good for someone, but since I have gained consciousness n become more thinking, I have started questioning everything which seemed not explainable by logic n science n rationality n the concept of God is one of them.

I think the concept of God came about because there are so many things that we couldn't explain in the early days of evolution, n even today.so many things which made us wonder, the unexplained, the stuff which made us fearful, which made us insecure. For all those things, we wanted an explanation, and God became that. we invented God to attribute all that we couldn't explan, to protect from all that we feared...we invented God to explain our own ignorance really.

Think about it, the only two times we go to God is 1) when something unexplained / unexpected happens...'ya to Bhagwan ka karishma hai' types and 2) when we want / fear something...'Bhagwan mujhe ya/ woh/sab de do' types.

And there will always be stuff we won't be able to understand, but many of the things which were attributed to God are now explained by science...evolution, the universe and stuff. And so there might be a day when everything will be explained by science...although, looking at the vastness of the universe n beyond, don't think that's gonna ever happen.

And also becuase I think, the universe is nothing but a self evolving n growing (increasingly complex) system which is based in finite number of fixed rules.but the elements in this system are ever changing n also growing in number, n so science n our understanding which is already so behind, will never be able to catch up. Also we are part of the system, n ourselves changing within it, n so it's kind of paradoxical for us to explain n understand ourselves while we are changing while doing it.

So who is in control, is there a superior being, well no. No one is in control, there is no superior being with a conscious...just a system...a huge, complex, evolving system...so complex because everything affects everything and thus unmapable by us due to limitation of our brain and computational power. Think of it as our nature...complex, evolving with ever new experience, learning, ever changing...!

Seems like the post is coming to a sudden end...lets not...

So what about fate n chance n karma...well all part of the system. Take a coin toss. The white knight in the dark knight says fate is the only uncorruptable force...but is it really. Can u not with advanced computations and in a controlled environment predict a coin toss. N if u can, can that then not be extended to real world, given enough computational resources... and if it can, can't u then manipulate those factors affecting the coin toss to get desired reults..and if u can, u have just overcome chance.

Moral of the story...just because it can't be understood n explained n controlled by u, doesn't mean it is understood n explained n controlled by an unknown all powerful conscientious being.

Let's not attribute our ignornce to someone supremely intelligent.

Take care.

I do believe in horoscopes, which is very contradictory to what I have said above, but have a theory for that too...a scientific explainable theory...won't write now, enough material given above for u to shoot holes in....:)

Also no offense to people who believe...I think the concept of God n religion is beautiful...it is the most powerful medium in the world today to speed any message, whether good n or sadly bad. It supports n gives hope to billions...it is the basis of existence for many...I am just saying that it doesn't have a logical rationl explntion for me. It's very personal....

Ankur

Say what you need to say!

One of the things I love about American Presidents is their speeches. That once a week address to the nation, those state of the Union addresses, that funny speech to the press corps and the adhoc but still well organised, well written conferences they do for every issue, where the press waits for their questions. This is all coordinated by the Press secretary, yep they have a special post to handle the media, special people who write those speeches and special people who decide on what message needs to be sent to the general public through the medium of the media.
Their emphasis is so much that one of the parameters the president is judged on is his (america has never had a 'her' as president so..) oratory skills...thats why Bill Clinton was so good, Bush so bad.
So why am I saying this, well because India doesn't have that. I have never seen an organised press conference by the Indian government or other political parties, which is broadcast throughout. The only speech I remember is the prime ministers 15th aug address, and maybe the Foreign Secretarys joint statements.
They have started having spokespersons but they keep on changing with every event, every incident. What they have is a hundred people saying a hundred things, which basically means you never know what the stand of the government is, and then start wondering if they have a stand.
Thats is the problem with communciation, a lot of it leads to confusion, a lack of it leads to miscommunication. When you don't communicate, people and in todays world, the 24x7 news channels who need content, start creating stuff.
It would be so much more easier if the prime minister would have made a speech to the the people and clarified his n the governments stand. Agreed we are not America, here the leaders talk in the parliament, explain their stand to the elected representatives but do those reprensatives explain it to the people they represent, and do that in the same words, in the same context, do they pass the same message. They don't, they can't, reminds me of that game where people wouod sit in a circle and a message will be passed ear to ear only to find out that the message coming out of the last person to be so diff then the original one, it was hilarious.
What this would also do it would give the media a lesser chance of twisting the words, of taking and quoting them out of context, of blatantly creating stuff up!!!
We see this in corporate world, we have so many townhalls with all top leaders talking to us about how the firm is doing it gets boring...but atleast we are not guessing stuff. Ofcoruse what they say is so vague, its difficult to get a message out of it, and yea, that should be different here. Say what you need to say, in plain terms. And it is difficult, especailly when u have to pass tough messages, when u have to pass messagfes to parties with differnet agendas, but needs to be done.
Team Anna is doing it, and thats why they are getting so much support, why cant our PM? and make it compulsory for each news channel to broadcast it in english n translated in each regional language.
That atleast would be a start to some evident leadership for this country.

Sent from my iPad