Thursday, November 03, 2011

Being honest about being dishonest

From Evernote:

Being honest about being dishonest

This blog, crimson blues, starts with a question, to no one but myself, should i start, will i be able to end.But really this was never the start, the start was a black leather jacket notebook, with a pen holder, gifted by my dad. Till date am amazed that he recognised that the lonely me needed an outlet to express myself. Well so it started, i always wanted to be an anonymous writer, and almost instinctively my posts never had any names, just refrences to people and places. Wanted it that way because didnt want to hurt anyone, esp myself. Also never wanted it to be marketable, always wrote from heart. Never thinking whether i will get enough readers or google ads. 
But over a period of time vanity took over, and so i put it up on fb. 
Somewhere though i think i also wanted full disclosure, the blog captures a lot of the grey of my life, and i thought that maybe making that public would get me some kind of redemption. It was really me saying sorry to the world, you know owing up to my mistakes kinds. 
Anyways at that point didnt realise the into a lot of problems. The issue is that the posts are pretty convoluted, i never say things directly, so a lot of people misunderstood me. Thankfully when i explained, many understood. I think the only person who doesnt is my dad, ironic, he made me start down this path.
The question is, and that i have always asked is, will i change. Will i start considering what repurcussions this would have, who (and really me) will it hurt...and i think, no. Because if i do, the blog will just die, and with it, a part, a very close true important part of me will die.
So just to reaffirm, and since i got reminded of goes! 
This story happenened many years back, 10 years, and now is kinda faded. But its one of the many I feel guilty about and so here goes...
Long time back knew someone undescribably special, and soon after I met her, in my adolescent love, hacked through her account, it was easy, security question was first dogs name and she had had only one. Read a couple of mails, n then the guilt of doing sth wrong overwhelmed me, n I never did it again!
As a reciprocation, made up a bahana and gave her my password, and sometime later She confessed that she read some of my mails. I had not stopped her from, and she didnt have to tell me...but incredible she was even then! She felt bad, and i consoled but never confessed.
Sorry seems insignificant, bringing this up would be more hurtful to all, but had to be said!
Take care!  
PS - thanks for being my best friend, n i dont mean u here, but u also! :) 
Sometime back palli asked me what i my identity is, and after some thinking (the entire i dont want to limit myself to an identity, want to be everything funda) but at that point realised that the one thing which defines me is this blog, my writings! And to date, i believe in it. The blog is not just me, but my ideas, my thoughts, the only place where i put in any opinion, my beliefs, my truths...everything which defines me! 

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