corruption n me...!

Blogging on th Moleskin iPad app, love the super expensive Moleskin notebooks, this is not bad either.

Have been forced to watch the Anna Hazare protest as am home n he is fav of my mum, and since it will have long lasting effects am kind of pressured to talk about it. Anyways...

Corruption is of two kinds, one where u want to get something done illegaly, or done as per ur terms, could be faster, easier, more conviniently or sth. For eg, when u get caught on ur bike without papers n pay a bribe to get off...or when u go to a mandir n pay some agent to get u 'special, up close n personal' darshan with God. So this is really corruption seeded by you and Janlokpal bill doesn't do anything to tackle this.

The second is when you want a bribe just to get sth done, not faster, not easier...just get it done. You know, greasing the palms kinds where a govt official (and I refuse to call them public servants, its just to degrading) asks for money to get you ur IT returns money...that kinds.

So first i think the concept of corruption started with the first way, and secondly, i don't think there is a pure no 2 category ever. Its always u get some money, I get this done faster.

Justifications for 1 are many...1.2 billion people, there is a queue everywhere, if i have money n get better service, whats wrong with that, rules are general, and archaic, they shouldnt apply to me and so on...well true, but really look inside urself and u'll realize, mostly its just for convinience, for taking the easy route out that you bribe. I haven't changed my enfields number to match the registration no, its my laziness, but the excuse i make is that the system gave me the wrong number in the first place...well so it did, system comes out of you!

I believe tackling 1 is more important then 2, because that is the foundation, if no one wants to give a bribe, lega kaun, and then you will have a justification for protesting. Today, all of these protests are just seem very .... You give bribes on one hand...and will keep on doing so but on other hand want to prosecute those who take them, and frankly, they, the bribe takers have more of a justification for taking bribes...they, the so called 'public servants' earn very little for the service they give you. A police commisionare, after a life time spent to be where he is, a life full of mortal risks and living scared, gets 1\3 of what i do after just 4 years of a party life. They take more crucial decisions, life is far more difficult and requires more hard work, then why. And so is it wrong if they make a bit on the side...it is, but its seems more acceptable then u paying a bribe on being caught for drunk driving, doesnt it?

So my point, instead of persecuting those who take bribes, teach Indians to earn their living. Teach us that its not ok to take the easy way out, jugaad is not justified. And yes, prosecute all those who do these multi thousnd crore scams.. There is not justification for thats, its just pure greed.

The Janlokpal bill will help ofcourse, but its not a solution to everything. It might ensure that big time scams reduce over a period of time, but it is not something which will bring down corruption organically, but more by force, and whether that will last is a question.

And my disliking for mr Anna Hazare...well he is gandhi like, and dont get me wrong, i am a big admirer of Gandhi, my issue is with marketing...more n more, the protest looks like a giant marketing effort, and the problem with that is the susbstance gets lost in the gloss...the common man, who really is a follower just goes where the loudest loudspeaker is...not really caring about what aspect of corruption if any are they blaring about. And frankly, the support being shown is really a support against corruption n not for Anna. He is just riding the wave, hopefully as this economist story points out, we don't end up changing our constituion without enough debate because of this farce of a protest. Another major issue is i dont like anyone who armtwists anyone, and that is what this protest has become, our way or no way...hate that, even if its with the govt. And frankly, I appreciate our govt, media gives their 20% bad work 80% attention, but misses out on the 80% work which has ensured this country is atleast governed, badly maybe but not an anarchy still!

And why should his bill not go through the constitutional processes, if he thinks they are inadequate, change the processes, don't circumvent them. And i really dont agree with the argument that he has support, well people dont know, they are against corruption, and Anna is just a medium, they are not really with Anna. There is a line in the American President, something about people in a desert drinking sand because they dont know the difference between water n sand, and thats true but also because all they are getting is sand!

Everyone should have a viewpoint, everyone has the right to propogate that viewpoint, we have enough processes to ensure the viewpoints are heard n debated n the best chosen, just put the bill in front of the standing comittee n let them do their job!

Bad handling by the govt, but lets not make the country suffer because of that...!

PS: no spell check in Moleskin app, like the notebook..:)

already a long post but some more...

I think a good alternative to bribing is tipping...there is subtle but big different, bribe is giving money upfront to ensure a good service, tip is giving after the fact, to reward a good service. 

an anecdote that has happened twice and i have been relating over the past week...got caught without papers twice. Both time it was more on technicality really, once the PUC certificate had expired by a week, second time the number on my enfield was diff then on the RC book...anyways so I knew am wrong in letter, but not really in spirit...so argued that. The two cops (a young arrogant one who does the dirty work, and an older guy who stands as the moral authority always) wouldn't even hear me out. First they pretended they didn't know English or Hindi, then would just keep on walking about as soon as i would start explaining. After 5 mins became very apparent they wanted bribes... problem is that i decided on both occasions i won't give money, and so the stand off continued. It takes about 15 - 30 mins of silence on both sides for them to relent, finally they let you go, and this time they did. I on my part always make sure that i kind of shake hands with them with a very cheeky grin on my face, and tell them 'thankyou, right thing you did' kinds. always. 

anyways, lots of 'points' i can make out of this, but ur bored, so shall spare you. 

laters...

Post Perfection!!!

"Bam...right in the face this time...life hits him again, and flat on his face he falls. Will he be able to get up"

the first thing which came into my head when something happened last week, surprising how now that anything happens, the first thing that comes into your (or at least my head) is a status update. :D. Call it the age of vanity. anyways this was too personal for FB so putting it here. 

so the post is gonna be about random short stuff, because life has been random, and incidents have been short, so short that converting them into stories would require a lot of creativity on my part. 

anyways, was watching Singham the other day, crappy movie on the face, but it was a lazy saturday with nothing really coming on the idiot box so…and also the fact that a lot of the yuppie IT crowd had recommended the movie. so well was watching with a couple of friends sisters et al…and as i sat through the movie, something stuck me. the idiotic, full of physics defying stands and crude half hindi half marath dialogues movie was actually inspiring me. well now i started paying attention. No doubt this was a product of the new found marketing skills of Bollywood, but the movie was also having a very unconscious effect on me. The movie was kinda appealing to my revolutionary, fight agains injustice, gandhian bosean self. and since the movie was such  huge hit, it must have for some other people as well.

well i also remembered something I read about the ongoing UK riots, a story which said that everyone is asking the reason for the riots, but there were signs of the build up for the longest of time, you just had to know where to look. there were many fiction books n movies made which pointed to the growing rife in the UK society. With all the stuff join on in India right now, am wondering if this is one of those fictional cultural creations which appeals to indian peoples sense of frustration with the system. Will have to wait n watch.

what else, on a personal front, i did sth a couple of weeks ago, which had some people very close to me questioning my basic fundas of life. Basic funds # 1 - Do good, why because thats the only way to live. Funda # 2 - Don't expect anything, why, because otherwise you will always be disappointed, this way you can only be surprised. 

anyways so both funds got questioned a lot, was told that the above two are good, but in moderation, do it only for people who care and not for everyone. Value urself was what i was told. Somehow to my head whatever shaitan says makes sense, but my soul doesn't understand it at all. For me its simple, i don't believe in gaining respect or love or care or affection or anything by having to ask for it, and here asking is not just really asking, but all the power games that people play, the 'bhaav khana' types. I don't understand that, find it shallow and a waste of time. My fundas is simple, you should earn ur respect, not demand it. and secondly, you shouldn't really put a value to urself, others should. What's the point of saying 'I am important' or making others say 'I am important' by arm twisting them using different techniques, doesn't stay, and if it does, that feel good feeling you get out of it is not real. rather, earn ur respect, and love and affection, and it will always stay. and of course, when i say all this, people say you believe in Karma, and i am like thats just a feel good excuse you make to urself when u get disappointed, just keep on doing what you gotta do, rest don't bother. The one thing that you will have following the above is satisfaction and a lack of guilt, u'll feel good about urself, and that gives you peace more then anything else. and methinks peace is all the that matters really. 

raining really heavily now, already finished a cup of tulsi tea, wondering if should get some coffee and ruin my sleep for tonight, anyways not gonna do anything early tomorrow. 

so i have written this somewhere before, moments of clarity or something. I have had two till now, well till the last week at least…one was when i let go of someone and clearly saw my life going down the drain, another when i had the hope of getting that same person back…many many years later, and saw everything coming back to how i wanted it to be. anyways moments of clarity are awesome, they are pure white, there is not a spec of grey in there. you are so sure of what needs to be done, and how things will pan out and how life will be, it exhilarating. its almost as if you have already lived that life and seeing it in flashback. 

had one this last week, something happened, and i saw my life clearly, and was a beautiful sight.  Didn't last long, and more then me, its someone else's loss, but was awesome to see hope back again in life, even if just for a week. Rejuvenated me to quiet some extent. someday when its a bit stale, i shall write about the incident and the entire farce of arranged marriages. ;)

so do you think with your heart or do you think with your head? i am a very very instinctive touchy feeling sorta guy, so its all heart with me. and decisions of the heart are instant, there are not factor to consider, not weighing options and all, its all done in the unconscious, you just know the answer. And so for me, either i make decisions in seconds, or i will never be able to decide, because when my heart is not sure, the head comes in, and gets so confused with all the facts that never know what to choose. last week was one of those decision in a fraction of second week, sadly someone else was thinking with her head. 

anyways, lots bull crap written for now, laters. 

its nice that after just 3 posts in the first two thirds of the year, i have two in the last week. and am in the mood to write more. Credit it to the 'almost' week. :)

and as for the 'will he be able to get up, fucking yea I will!!! Might not be a lot of thing, n short, but one thing i am is defiant. In this battle with life, either i win or die fighting, which come to think of it will be life winning, still!!!

missing goofy...

My life is full of stories or maybe i just make every incident into a story...in any case this was worth sharing...

A friend lost her dog almost a month back...a beautiful lab. If ur a dog lover n have had pets you know it means far more then loosing an inanimate object and just a notch less then loosing a kid!!

And for her, it meant even more because it was her dog, and only her's, she went through a lot to get it, was one of the few living things she calls her own.

anyways, so the first question in my head, 'How do you loose a dog'. Well aparently, its easy, and happens quiet often. Her mum took him for a walk, and on seeing some other dogs, it just bolted. By the time back she could contact my friend who was out n came back n started searching, it had disappeared without a trace. As i write this, am wondering what trace would a lost dog in a big city leave anyways, and what signs do you look out for. These r the things you think about only when the situation arrises.

so that started a fortnight of searching every possible location we could think of. Combing that and all other surrounding areas, every morning and every evening going up to well past midnight everyday...the thing with loosing a dog is, what do u say at work...have to take a two week off because i lost my dog...doesnt work. Anyways first it was the manual search, then was the spreading the word phase and finally putting up posters n sharing on fb and all...

Everyone, including me, had some gyaan to give, first 24 hours the general line was 'its a pet dog, they always come back', next 48 were, 'its a confusing area, must have got lost' which changed into 'must have been stolen, was a well bred dog, n they are expensive' and so it went till everyone became quiet and the anxiety of not finding him turned into hopelessness!

My friend was stoic throughout, because like any libran, we internalise our pains, we find it too trivial and beneath us to express it, but it stays with us. The magnitude of expression is always muted, and we are never hopeful too much for the fear of jinxing it and because we hate disappointments, as she said once, it would shatter her!

She too stopped talking anout him, but only if you looked beyond those laughs, u'd see the pain.

The thing with loosing someone is that there is no closure. It is worse then someone dying, because you can never make ur peace with it. You are forever hopeful, even if with time the intensity goes down. If someones dies, you can remember the good times and you can have your regrets...if you loose someone, there is always the 'if it comes back i will...' mindset. And even worse is that every small sign which ignites the hope of youfinding bring back all the anxiety and finally the disappointment n pain.

And this story, is about such an incident...i was involved so writing about it!

So the other day, a friend of hers hears about two guys finding a dog on Radio Indigo, they had searched for its owner and finally left it at Karuna for adoption. So since i know people at CUPA, I get a call to inquire and i do. Nope, both Karuna and CUPA haven't got a dog. So anyways next call the guy who announced the message on Radio Indigo, a guy who finally turned out to be a 8th Std kid with pharatedaar english and a mobile phone. So he gives me the entire story, they found an abandoned dog, and thought it was someone else's dog, but it wasn't, n then they searched the entire society for its owner, and since he already had a black lab at home, they just decided to give it up for adoption. and so ended up at Karuna. He tells me that dogs get adopted quite quickly from there so i should check, and so I say i will...

so i start, midway the kid starts sending me msg's that he wants to come as well...so i ask his address...'Last Bus Stop, some area i have never heard of, Bangalore (thankfully). so anyways i start, in 6:30 PM traffic, reach an area that i have never heard of, thanks to Google maps on BB. thankfully no rains that day. Pick up the kid, he calls his 'first time sitting on a bike' as 'long time i have sat on a bike', and in answer to how did you get an announcement done on radio Indigo, his answer 'well, lets just say i have contact." :D. 

Anyways so we start towards Karuna, and if getting to the kid was difficult, this i wouldn't like to describe. Reach Karuna, and there are about 4-5 chowkidars and registrars and people sitting, but no docs so can't see the dog. I am almost pissed, try negotiating, arguing, giving some money, but to no avail. One thing I have seen about people, they don't really understand Logic, rules are rules, and need to be upheld, not because they are sacred, but because the seniors won't like them breaking it. Not sure if its bangalore or uneducated class...

anyways finally got my friend (dogs owner) to talk to the guy in Kannada (always works), she threatened with some names (chairman of karuna was one i think, anyways this also always works) and finally the dude calls the doc, who takes another hour to get there and i finally get to see 'the dog'.

so Karuna, its a adoption center, but looks more like a dog jail, long corridors with cages lined up on both sides, stinking of howling dogs. get to the cage, F-07 i think, and out comes the dog...and it has all the markings. Looks like goof, red collar, hairless burn marks in its leg pits...am like 95% sure its him. 

so take out the iPhone to take some pics and send to friend, and of course when i need it the most, my iPhone dies. Take pics from BB, but no way to send them out. Mail attachment limitations...so anyways can't do much at that point, so start back to drop the kid...drop him, finally come back to my sis's place very close to Karuna. and get bashed up by her, but more about that sometime later.

Next morning, i go back to my place, and the friend comes to confirm if its her dog. I reach home, and get 4 missed calls from unknown number, finally pick up, and this guy tells me that he works at BIA, and had adopted the dog in F-07 but officials there are not letting him take him. So he's like, even if ur dog, I would like to adopt it. and I am like 'balls'!!!

so call the friend, she rushes to Karuna, and confirm he is not her dog. Yep, not her dog. So she is there on her knees calling him by his name, hoping against hope that he will respond, the guy who adopted him day before is there looking all pleased that he will be able to take him home, and then the final twist, a third guy turns up, lost his dog in the same area this one was rescued from...he comes, shouts once 'Simba' and the dog runs and lies on his feet!!!

so after all the drama, and bad endings for everyone, at least it ended well for the dog! It was a long story, but when was happening was like one of those movies where one thing leads to another and story gets murkier by the scene. 

Shor in the city...

Uggg movie with Tushar kapoor...ekta kapoor production...who recommended this...well the great Mai did n so did Karan Johar on tweeter...well let's watch it (the tickets were bought anyways)
And so we walked in, I had seen the promos, expected something like Life in a metro, what I got was life in a metro mixed with slumdog somewhat made on the lines of crash n the ring (just the day count really)
Most movies, the individual pieces are good but when put together, assembled, the final version is always lacking...exactly the opposite for this one, for one acting was not that great, slow in parts, and for most of the movie you wonder where the 4 parallel stories are going...they do come together but at a very steep angle. Very suddenly n that knot is thin, doesn't have much substance...
Anyways I loved the visuals of the move, the music and the understated  seemingly point less love stories...but most of all I loved the tone changes...havent seen that in indian movies, and frankly don't remember seeing them in hollywood flicks either...how in one instant you go from laughing really hard to all suspenseful to praying that the kid is alive!!! You are sitting there, all relaxed and suddenly the movie makes you all tense for five minutes and then back to relaxed...and this happens quiet a few number of times...loved that.
Was there a point to any of the stories or subplots, nope, they were just stories...the point of the movie comes out in that one sentence at the end...all stories are based on true newspaper articles...the point is that all of this does happen in India, and frankly is more common then u'd expect. Don't let that turn you off India, like slumdog did, for one, this is a movie which stitches together many stories into one, mostly that doesn't happen unless its an extraordinary life lived, n secondly...this is what makes India India and us Indians and frankly we are 1.2 billion people, the numbers alone explain the variety of people and extremity of incidents!!! Without all this life will be plain boring and pointless...and another thing, for all the bad you see, I think the good in India is far more, but just not exciting enough to make movies on!!!
What else, Indian movies over the past two years have been technically perfect, no half stories, well shot and edited, so was thus and I won't rave about it. Still sometime to go before we create oscar winning movies though, we are still a long way away from making those subtle but hard-hitting movies which put u in deep though n make u speechless out of shock...well the new age film people got over the commercial mindset, now just want someone with some balls!!!
Anyways more then I wanted to say, a great movie, totally unexpected from the people it came from...but then as much as I hate the k serials, they were awesome (and very successful) marketing efforts...this though went beyond, it was arty too!
And one last thing since I already spoke about marketing movies, and the one I am gonna talk about cannot possibly have a full post dedicated to it, dabaang was a perfect example of a movie which was a product of marketing...it was a packaged product!!! 
Enough said...later!
Take care...

state of life...

more then 3 months since i blogged, and somehow didn't really miss it either...easy to say had nothing to write, but not really true...events keep on happening, just that have become so used to these events, they don't seem out of place anywhere, are all expected.

have been doing a state of life for the last 4-5 years, some on paper, some in a diary dad gifted, some in a private blog...didn't do one this year though, lots of things happened last year, small and big, and some huge, but then as i said earlier, have so become used to the big losses and small victories, the 'my life turns on a daily basis, but still stays the same' that nothing really worth mentioning....its like that dance, you step side by side, front and back, but at then end, are at the same spot where you started. : )

so why today, well was watching Anjaana Anjaani...and it got me in the mood. Awesome movie, after a long long time, have come across of good Love Story, a different story line, perfectly executed, good acting, and great songs (16 hours of continuos listening and still not bored) but more than anything, it makes you get into that mood...which tells me its a great movie. 

anyways so what has happened, finally became a senior...in my head before by designation, and as is so true about this great firm, they recognized that...so cheers to that. people came and went, and i learned. Realized i am not as patient anymore, discovered that i can be ruthless when needed, thankfully am ruthless with a human touch. don't and shouldn't become that guy who thinks only with his head, never want to be that. 

Took a trip, got a tour of a city like i have never before...and then the switch flipped. Took 10 years, but it did. and as with anything else, i am quiet benign about it. always wonder if it has actually flipped or am i forcing it too...always wonder if it will flip back again...!

friends became real friends, and they stripped me bare. It is so so scary to hear from an outsider what you have always known, scary because now you know that people understand you, understand how messed up you are, and ultimately agree that one way or the other, life's gonna be screwed up.  amazing that it took me three four sessions (along with some whiteboarding and graphs, mind you) to make them realize this it. :)

discovered a sister and was made to realize how stupid i have been, what having someone who cares about you feels like. will be short lived though...

what else, same old fights, same old living with a guilt....got confronted and the explanation got accepted, some old old friends went away, space filled with new ones.  started missing my alone time, almost struggling to get it back, but the company has become an addiction almost, and as with any other addiction i have, it can only be broken by external factors, i can never break my addictions, too weak for that. 

adopted a dog, debated her age, sex and name...and whether i should keep her. I am, Tangle is the name finally!!!

discovered what i had known for a long time, this time in a more formal front, am good at ideas and design, am bad at execution (mostly because it doesn't interest me at all)...wish i get to do what i love...fighting everyday for it. Consequently discovered my love for mindmaps and whiteboards and flow diagrams and excel sheets and word documents...wish can do that forever.  came up with ideas which as like with all my ideas made me believe i can change the world...if only if i execute them. 

got into something that i know is all wrong, and still is right, the only problem is that with all the experiences and all the practical gyaan i keep on getting, have lost the confidence to trust that one right i see in all the wrong...thats something i have lost now. too bad...discovered how crazy i can be, how much i love gifting and how single mindedly i work to make things happen when i want to, thankfully the 'if you believe it more than anything else, then entire world conspires to make it happen' funda showed up again, happy for that. 

any mindset change, not really, not significantly at least...still the same old lazy mind which gets fired up by ideas, works them out and then wants to move on to something else...is there any place in this world for minds like that??!?

anyways, bottom line, life is as it was, will it stay as it is, i don't even know now what i want the answer to be for that question....

so thats it, nothing else to say, state of my life, public now...!

and since the PS has become to cliched now, in my head at least, i'll just skip it but is the apartment building at the end of the movie, where Zaid lives, is it the one you went to check out??!?

Secret Santa

I wrote about this sometime back..when i bought my first iPhone. and this topic again came to mind yesterday when I was chided for buying beer glasses for my Angel during the annual Secret Santa. Why was I chided, well because Beer Glasses are not a positive gift...hmm. Well that was always on my mind, but for the lack of finding something which was better, which i liked, i gave this. Plus i knew the guy, i knew what he'd like...(explanation if you read this, which am sure you won't)

The other reason was this article in todays DNA (a paper i have started loving, so much better then that tabloid called 'The' Times of India). 

I have always believed a gift should be something you don't really want, something you would never buy, but something which you would love, you would appreciate. Something which would make you happy, which would bring you joy. Gifts should be unexpected, should be surprising / shocking. They should cause ecstasy...!

Whats the point of giving something that you know the other wise, why be so practical. You should always be a Secret Santa...

Also i hate giving cash gifts, gifting shouldn't be about just giving because you have too...it should be because you wanna make someones day. As in anything else, the process is as important as the outcome...the thought behind what to be gifted, what would be liked, what makes sense is as important. And cash gifts are just lazy. Giving cash is just showing a lack of thought (except for the thought behind whats the right amount). I know its more practical, but gifts are not supposed to be practical. Gifts are supposed to cause joy. What joy will receiving money give, as soon as you get it, you'll allocate it to some expense you have to make. 

A gift should never be pegged to the cost of the gift, money should never be a factor in gifting, you should give what you want to give regardless of how cheap or how expensive it is...

also and i'll end here, gifting as a process should cause joy both sides, you should be proud of what you have gifted...there should be an anxiety, will s/he like it...the process of buying should be as exciting as the process of opening the gift wrapping!!!

well thats what i think...

anyways my Secret Santa gave me a wallet (which i don't think came inside the Rs 400 limit set) but what made the experience lasting was the fact that she (yep it was a she, the handwriting on the note, the wordings and the number of cello tape pieces on the packing proved that, and as per my teammates, not just a she, a Hindu Traditional she, which really doesn't matter) kept a Rs 101 inside. The entire experience of finding that 100 Re note and then looking for that Re 1 was awesome. and that experience, that joy was only possible because someone put some (a lot me thinks) thought behind it. Thank You my Secret Santa, wish you had put ur phone number as well just so that i could have conveyed a heartfelt thanks, i swear... ;-) 

take care people. 

catching up...

been such a long time i blogged...was driving today and realized that have the posted least number of times this year...well i guess the reason is that all the things that i thought of over the years have already been written about, and unique experiences which make you think don't happen with that frequency. or maybe i have just not being paying attention.

I started this blog by a statement - don't start, you'll not be able to stop, i really didn't know what i meant at that point...today i do. There are somethings that you shouldn't really start, because giving up, coming out of them is so so difficult and painful. Smoking for instance, addiction to TV, relationships which become a habit after some time. 

Company of friends is one of these things, well in my case, company of anyone, just speaking to anyone on a regular basis...i have got used to people being around me now, talking to people on a daily basis, and for me, an out and out introvert, this talking to be people has me away from my core. You see, I get my energy from inside, and talking to others, i have started getting addicted to getting the energy from them, from the outside...and since that is easy to get, i don't really give my own inner energy time...too abstract, well let me explain. In the past i used to be a loner, not because i didn't like people, or didn't have things to tell them, just because my own ideas and thoughts were far more interesting...i would be engrossed in my own self...and that gave ride to a lot of theories, some of which i am proud of...

but as i came to bangalore and got more integrated into a usual life of friends and partying and spending money and lavish dinners, as i started talking to people, even thought he conversations were not meaningful and as deep as i would have liked, i got addicted to them, simply because they were an easy way to spend time, pass time rather. And today i look for those easy conversations, because i know if i don't get them i will have time to look inside and will have to confront that surge of bad thoughts before i come to the good ones, the inspiring ones. Still too abstract, can't help

so moving on...a friend, a girl, who on this blog has taken my case quiet a bit, and who i presume to be quiet different from the usual, mentioned the other day that 'affection is more important then love' and i couldn't really make sense of it at that time, of what she meant. Have been thinking ever since...People keep on telling me that love shove theek hai...shaadi ke baad sab khatam ho jaata hai, but people still do stay together, what keeps them together. As per Mr. Osho, its the pressure of society, the guilt of going away, but i don't really think so...we are too free and too selfish a species to give up our freedom just because of society. I think its affection, or what i have called habit. But both words have such a different tone to them, habit is so negative, habit is when you are unable to give up something because you can't see life without it, affection is because you love someone, you care for someone. I like affection. 

As for habit, and affection for that matter, was watching 'i hate luv stories' okie dokie movie, nothing great, bad acting for sure, but this guy keeps on giving Sonam Kapoor a white flower everyday, and some other ritualistic crap. There was this scene in that DCH also, where a Aamir makes fun of Preity's BF. Well, i am one who run aways from cliches as much as possible, but ironically i do the same cliches in my own way...and i was thinking so what. Those ritualistic things which we do, they someone how give a sense of assurance. That daily goodnight, or that phone call every day at the same time, kind of gives you a feeling of belonging. It gives some sort of a structure to the day. It is a habit, but its not hurting. You just don't have to see it with those cynical eyes, and you won't even realize that you got into a cliched ritual...

what else...i should divide this into two posts, atleast increase the number of posts, even if i am talking nonsense...

my status today is fighting self on many fronts or sth...well giving up smoking, changing the way i live, the fact that life has always lead me, and now i am trying to lead it, fighting some of my most ingrained concepts...;i will not loose my dignity by complaining'...and a lot more...

so i realized, the fight is the hardest when you just start, and when it gets prolonged longer then you thought it would last. the best corollary is trekking...check the graph here to understand. 

There are two types of races...one where you can see the finish line or the person you have to catch up with, and one where you just can't and you have to just give your best and hope that you win...i am only good at the former? i need to see my goal, i need to see my competition...but the second is so much better. you are not comparing urself to anyone...you are giving your best...i am not sure if the possibility of you winning is higher or not, but at the end you atleast know that you gave your best. Also only in such races is there a possibility of you going way beyond the finish line...don't know if this made sense, but after a full page of crappy funda baazi, i did come up with something which redeems the post for me...

till next time (which hopefully is this year ;-) )

take care

ank

Guzarish...58 things to say!!!

Since the movie was the sad kinds...thought why not just poke a little bit of fun at it so here goes...

1. Must have been difficult to get the mosquito to act in the first scene
2. Congrats Dick you did it (after Dick had a baby). This made me laugh.
3. Euthanasia...and the doc asks...who's going to Indonesia??
4. Suhel Seth here too...hahaha!!!
5. Conquered my quadriplegic life...what else is left?? 
(basically wanted to say that he has now conquered his biggest problem, there is nothing else left for him, no more challenges, and so i guess wants to call quits.)
6. Byomkesh Bakshi is back...
7. How can an Indian citizen fight against Union of India itself??!?
8. The Asian News Network...who reads that...I remember Asian age, no one read that!! (the news paper, reminded me of Asian Age, which was printed next door to my house in Ahd, and which no one really read)
9. At the risk of getting someone really pissed off with me...not sure if he acted really well or he just got a role like it...(i changed my view later in the movie, he did get an awesome role to play, and he did awesomely well on it)
10. There is this point when u get beyond ur miseries and start laughing at your life. That is liberation, partly atleast...
11. Each scene of his movie can be a framed picture...(like any of sanjay leela bhansali's movies, saawariya being a point in case. Also later heard someone say that the movie was nothing but the sets, something said about saawariya as well, so is it that the artwork in his movies cannibalises the other aspects of the movie, something to think about.)
12. Thank God he danced!!!
13. How come he has an Afro...nice look for a magician though!!
14. So when I read a review said they had a very subtle chemistry...well true. (initially, i am still at 14 of 58, later was quiet explicit, and beautiful if i may add)
15. I love the fact that girls have (hate the word) chotis in the movie. Come to think could have said braids..hmph
16. Project euthanasia...ethanasia ...see how that worked out!! It's amazing what all you can do when u have a spotless canvas to paint!!
17. Ah the question I asked long time back...who are we taking mercy on??
18. Life of Dignity...
19. Maybe she thinks what will she do after??!? And my point get proven, at the scene where the wannabe asks Sofiya to take a half day off and she doesn't know what to do. 
20. She loves you, she loves us all...she's a lovely woman!! Nice save
21. Young Hritik, damn cute...ugly mom though!!
22. There were coins falling from young Ethans hair...Omar has an Afro, am sure he'll do the trick better!!!
23. I think it's the applause I am going to miss the most
24. Can I say aish did a amitabh by doing this role. It's the transition to a mature actress...from her dhoim days.
25. Amazing how people can always be selfish. Put urself in my shoes...so easy to do, so difficult to do!!
26. Who is she?? (this was about the assistant Ethan had during his magic shows)
27. I like the fact tears didn't flow down in the typical glycerine fashion.
28. Ah what do u know, they did. No one really silently cries, do they, except u... :-)
29. I have loved u so much I do understand.
30. You want everything, and don't want any pain too...ah nice I could translate (and related to) that!!
31. And they rope in the ad-man as well. (the long haired guy, kakkad, who made the pepsi ads)
32. The fantastic reason to get out (of the house) is to appeal for euthanasia...fantastic irony i say!!
33. U can't play with gods will...oh but he can. :-)
34. I like this, any religion wishes that you meet god, but forbids killing urself...isint that the fastest way of meeting god - derived from the movie
35. I think even the number of the car was GOD
36. STOP MUNCHING!!! (people munching popcorn after the break, so irritating)
37. I like when directors dig out old old amazing actors...surprise surprise the ugly mom grows old to be Nafisa Ali
38. But there is no one present...court scene at home.
39. I think more than anything, it's the absence of hope, it's the boredom.
40. The thing is this is a personal choice...so if the chance is one in million, it's that one chance which gives you hope. Without that, there is no hope, n no life!!
41. Does this really happen, do lawyers actually malign everyone, any lawyers please tell me!!
42. Aakhir yea zindagi hai kiski??? I love that question
43. Kudos Nafisa Ali!!
44. And people clap...hope u shouted!!
45. And he uses the most feared technique of torture to make a point...well made sir. And I got the name... Chinese torture.
46. Laugh uncontrollably...
47. Main Kuch nahi bhulta, because u have so much time to remember...that's the saddest part.
48. Ouch...wish u were ok. (this is when he fell in the tank)
49. And still counting...hey the Afro set...they just don't make men like me anymore!!
50. I think he is dead!
51. he wasn't but I did expect him to go suddenly...(proven wrong though...like that)
52. Ah courtroom scene...why the reporrter??
53. Saanse unki marzi Ki Ho ya marzi ke khilaaf...imagine the helplessness of a guy...can't even die.
54. That's a love story. :-)
55. It is about Hritik...
56. Hey she walks exactly 12 steps...nice
57. Celeberate life...don't mourn death!!
58. Didn't show the credits...i don't like REXS.

Typing(ed now) while watching the movie...impersonating a film critic. :-). Saw the movie alone. Was in a sucky mood, most female friends have seen it, guy friends just laugh at my face. Plus have decided to start doing things i love alone if i don't get company, always used to do it, then got some friends, but lost out on so many other things. 
I think people though i was a film critic or sth, typing away on the iPhone. and i am happy to impersonate, feeling a bit awkward, have started paying attention to what will people think so saving some face here I guess!!!


well awesome movie...liked every bit of it. I don't think a lot of folks will even sit through it, but then i don't think the director would even want their appreciation. 


PS: most of the brackets were typed later on, at home, to explain thought process at the time of typing, also did some grammar / spelling corrections as well. Rest is all as was typed during the movie, no reviews


Take care.

Selfish again!!!

Joey says there is no unSelfish act, and Phoebe goes all out to prove him wrong...well is there an unselfish act?

This has been a question in my head for a long long time, and over the ears i have come to believe, both because of experience and logical reasoning (and some spiritual discourses) that there are no unselfish acts in the world. Logical reasoning comes out of Darwin's theories, and from AOL discourses, both say that every has to be selfish to sustain the world. Darwin says u need to be selfish just to survive, AOL says, be selfish to be happy, because if ur happy, then only can you make others happier. 

Same goes for Osho, who says be selfish and responsible at the same time, just that he uses freedom as another word for selfishness. Logically also, everyone has to be selfish, then only can you there be a balance int he world. if you are not selfish and everyone else is, then who takes care of you. if no one is selfish, the world comes to a standstill!!!

But there has always been an exception in my head, which i though was one example of an unselfish act. and yesterday i realized, not really. 

So i drive an Activa, and at nights when i park, don't switch off the Headlights, in the morning when i start again on the roads, invariably the headlights are on. And almost always, before i reach work (which is like 10 mins drive) someone or the other would point out. Always...and i always wondered why? is this the only unselfish act. It doesn't do them any good. 

and then yesterday, i realised. Again on my activa (most of these thoughts come either when i am driving, guess because always drive in a trance like state), and this time the Side stand spring had come off, so the side stand was just hanging. and atleast 10 people pointed it out, they would speed up from behind and tell me, even people who i though would have found it very difficult to spot becuase of the angles, would crane their necks, reconfirm and then shout at me. some with a little bit of scorn. and i realised...

these are not really unselfish acts, they are very much selfish. they are because these small things, which are out of place, out of the normal, bother you. bother your eyes. and they keep on bothering you. They also give you that small, very small, sense of doing some good in the world, you kind of feel good. and so, everytime you or i see someone whose indicator is on, or who's headlights are on, or a lady who's chunni is stuck in the car door...we point out. 

so with that view...here is the question. 

Knowing that everyone is selfish, how do you get people to do what is good for everyone as a whole, but not the individual, at least directly. and example being water harvesting...if everyone does it, the water table comes up, and everyone benefits, but no one wants to do it simply because they don't see the returns for them immediately. Also they want to know that everyone is doing it, that where comes the 'why should i do it alone' kinda questions. 

Am still struggling with this question. How to show immediate returns to the individuals, in cases where the overall good will come to the community only after some time. 

A simple answer is that some central agency (like the government) puts in the investments, and have the community individuals contribute indirectly (taxation), but then i have started believing that we should get to a stage where no government is required. (thats the Osho view btw)...and in which case, this entire concept breaks down. With all the wisdom that Mr Rajneesh provides, this problem is still not solved. 

so any answers??

PS: btw its not that the above is totally absent. but in community form haven't seen it. an example is of those bumper thingies people put behind rear wheels of any vehicles, which stop the mud from flying. It gives absolutely no advantage to the you, but you still put it for the benefit of others. Is it because of a fear of being shouted at by others, or is it just because its a norm. I am sure its not because you care about others. 

and the title has 'again' because i have already written a post titled Selfish before. 

T-1

my birthday today (well yesterday, but the post was supposed to be written before 12) and i ran an experiment..

i always used to think that anyone who knows and cares about me would remember my birthday, and would care enough to wish. I also used to think that birthday calendars, and stuff like FB birthdays made it so easy to wish someone, that the value of that wish went down completely. 

well so i did an experiment, the idea came last year, and what i did was i made my birthday on FB visible. and i made it explicitly visible, made sure my status referred to it. 

in addition this time i would remind people samne se about my birthday, met 1260 online, told her, went to the coffee shop, told uncle and so on. 

what i wanted to see is that if to me it feels worthless, all the wishes that is, whether i feel sad, or whether i have instead a good birthday. 

and guess what, got about 120 odd wishes on FB, some from people i have never spoken too, but know by name or face, a few by people who i don't know how got into my friends list or why, i don't know them. So point 2 is proved, FB does make it so easy to wish that you wish everyone. But then just about 1/5 of my friends list wished me so not all were same. 

what did happen was i got a lot of calls, and most of them surprised me. friends i haven't spoken to in 3 years, sisters from phirang land...it was quiet amazing. 

what also happened as a result was everyone knew, my work folks knew and so i was wished and there was a cake, and there was not 'ankur we forgot your birthday day and cutting cake next day'.

so results...well it was a good birthday, i was quiet cheerful. Got in touch with a hundred people, and it gave some a bahana to get in touch with me. Came to know that some people really care, and frankly, a lot of people apart from me had a lot of fun, no one was left feeling bad because of guilt (yea i know, i know, but you do feel a bit guilty if you forget someone close's birthday)

learnings...i try living a life of zero expectations, but then getting to that stage is difficult and time consuming...which means that you do expect a little bit, and if you do, you are bound to be hurt. But this time what i did was i expected, and i helped fulfill my own expectation. I was practical about it, people forget birthdays, let me make it easy for them to remember. 

More than anything, i made my birthday, i made sure that i did everything so that my small expectations get met. I also ensured that people don't feel guilty. 

as for as knowing who really calls, there is these three classes of people, friends whatever...those who don't care and still wish, you always get to know...but then thats a zero sum game, how does it matter?

those who care, you kind of know they would have called, and if they didn't, you know its because they forgot, and so just go ahead and remind them, spare them the guilt and you the 'not meeting expectations, and save a relationship. 

I have met so many people around who like secrecy, my problems are for me. apni achievements batao, failures nahi. Khushi batao, dukh nahi!!! Reasons being, people don't want  to feel in control of information, want to ensure that others think of how they want them to think about them. well i think its fututile...i just creates complications, and life is anyways to complicated for us to be creating more. I share everything, my failures, my sadness and my achievements. and mostly with anyone, give frank answers, people who care, who are decent enough hear me out or even help me. People who are not, well atleast they can't spread a rumor, or make fun out of it, simply because i was very upfront about it. and who cares!!!

and sometimes something new happens, something which you will remember throughout...i went to my coffee shop, saw uncle, and blurted out, 'uncle mera janamdin hai' and i was expecting him wishing, but no he says 'mera bhi'. I am like wat?? and he says 'ha, 28th sept, its my birthday but i never celebrate'. i for a moment was shocked and then touched. asked him to wear new clothes in the evening, and i got a small cake, and we shared it. was an experience, i promised we'll celebrate together every year that i am in Blr...it was such an experience, something i will remember this birthday for. 

bottom-line. i have realized this, you need to be happy for you to be happy, you need to make things easier for others to enable them to meet your expectations. 

yea i know a lot about my birthday, then am you know i am self obsessed narcissistic...so wat you complaining about??

PS: the title T-1, well T is for 30 in this case. A friend wished me like that yesterday. my mum scolded me for revealing my age, but then whats the big deal, how do years matter. I feel very young, was telling someone feel like am in college really, how does it matter that i am almost 30. well actually telling people that i am 29 gets me respect by default. so i use that a lot when required. :-)

and yea there is one thing that does get affected, i can't enroll for my dream mountaineering course once i get beyond 30. :-(

assets...!

day before i visited an old grandfather of mine, 95, almost bedridden and not very senile...i have been seeing him for years now, slowly degrading, lost his hearing many years ago and used hearing aid, and when his wife was alive and very chirpy, when asked how they had survived 75 years of marriage, he used to joke that he would just turn off the hearing aid as soon as she started speaking.

Yesterday he was very different, his son said that for the last week he has been very different, suddenly he has given up the want to live, he now wants to go away was how he put it. I sat next to him for about 15 mins, frail and wrinkly, he spoke to me in pauses, his eyes glazing over from time to time as he recounted his life. he told me about his sons, how they were settled, his wife who had given him everything, and his history of health problems. after every small story he would end it with 'he is now settled and happy' or 'he has this and that' or something like that. basically ending with a happy ending in which 'he'  has an asset built up.

assets, those things you toil for all you life, those things which are permanent, long term, which are the fruition of all your hard word, and which you showcase at the end. A house, a business empire, a car, a bank balance, well settled kids, grandkids, even a happy marriage maybe,  these are the things that you recount on  our death bed, the things that you you have to show for a life well lived....

but then, imagine that life...where you toiled for 22 years to pay off that housing loan, or you lived a compromise of a marriage so that you kid could group up well, what use is all that once you are gone.  you are not going to enjoy it, someone else is, but you spent you life building it. you never enjoyed ur life because at the end you wanted those assets...

instead if you had all those small things in life, a lot of small happinesses, a cycle you wanted, a bike you wanted, traveled the world, have the best gadgets always, party whenever you wanted...if you had all the small things which on a daily basis gave you happiness, why wouldn't you choose that over that one home??

its the classic question of what is important to you, the journey or the destination? the journey lasts a lifetime, the destination an hour maybe?

i know i am wrong, i don't know why. any comments explaining why are welcome!!!

take care

Random thoughts...in a very very sick state!!!

sick state meaning physically sick, and not otherwise...am sneezing at the rate of 8 per min right now, just hoping my nose won't fall off.
anyways first, apologies for the 'look and feel' of the blog, was just messing around, and didn't realise there was no preview mode, lost my original very simple template (which i loved)...and since then just haven't had the heart to even look at the blog, let alone try to restore it.
anyways...that out of the way, as i said, am sick, and have written about being sick before and how you feel about it and stuff...just one thing to add, when ur sick, or when ur actually dying, all your ideals give way. If you can stick by your ideals when they are tested, those then are worth talking about. Your ideals, till they are truly tested in challenging conditions, are just ideals, they are not really principles you live by, but really quotes you would like to live by.

saw this 30 minute documentary about the life of our universe, actually beyond the universe. answered one questions for me, and gave rise to one thought. the question answered was what was there before the big bang, and what is beyond the universe....well before the big bang were other big bangs, and beyond the universe are other universes (where the laws of physics might actually be different). question answered. well, atleast someone tried to address the question.

also today it dawned on me that our lifespan of 80 years or so...is like insignificant in the lifespan of our universes. we are nothing, by degree of time or degree of number (there are about 7 billion of us and thats just counting humans). but still, we try so hard to matter. to leave a name, but its ironical, if you look at the scale of the universe or beyond, that name is nothing. think of from the perspective of that higher being who is maybe controlling everything (if it there isn't one, think there is), for that being, you or i don't really matter. but for you and i, we matter.
also...was suddenly thinking of how if you know where someone is coming from, or where someone has been, or what someone has been through, if you can know the influencers on a person, you can judge a person quiet a bit. simply because we all are just a collection of influences. each of us would have maybe, and just maybe one original thing which is not there anywhere else, in anyone else....and that too might be mostly because of an accident. very very few are actually different because they want to be so, and don't think anyone one is unique at all....
and that unique thing is our contribution to this world, to the universe. It makes sense right, to have such rarity. if it wasn't rare, then we would have progresses so much so quickly, would have hit the peak at 26 (taking a quote from 'in good company'). its like genetics, change is very very slow, over a period of generations, its slow because you cannot predict the outcome, and so it needs time to prune out the bad outcomes. not sure if the same reason applies here.
too vague and arbit...well. Imagine if 10% of the population was einsteins and newtons and such, we would have been where we are today in like one generation, what after that...you would think there is so much to discover, we would have discovered more, but then would we have been able to make sense of what we discovered, would everyone have been able to absorb it, even today when we are going so slow, half the population doesn't know newtons third law, thats after 400 years of its discovery.
another thought is that i always say i want to know everything...but then i never will be. at the most i can know everything that has happened in my lifetime, but there is so much which is going to happen after i am gone. We hear the sun is going to die in 5 billion years, hell, we not gonna be able to see it. so how idiotic is it of me to say 'i want to know everything'.
it all comes down to scale, how high up you look from. how much you want to see and in how much detail. imagine a floor lined with newspaper sheets...if you are at 10cm from the floor of sheets, you can read individual letters, if you are 1 mt you can see individual columns, at 10 mts individual sheets, 100 mts just black and white garbled, at 1 km, just a greyish floor (or maybe a pattern), at 10 km nothing...
its all about at what height you are looking from, and always know this, whatever height you are at, there is a place higher then your spot, from which someone else is watching you. you only part of a game someone is playing....
as i said..am very very sick today!!!