been such a long time i blogged...was driving today and realized that have the posted least number of times this year...well i guess the reason is that all the things that i thought of over the years have already been written about, and unique experiences which make you think don't happen with that frequency. or maybe i have just not being paying attention.
I started this blog by a statement - don't start, you'll not be able to stop, i really didn't know what i meant at that point...today i do. There are somethings that you shouldn't really start, because giving up, coming out of them is so so difficult and painful. Smoking for instance, addiction to TV, relationships which become a habit after some time.
Company of friends is one of these things, well in my case, company of anyone, just speaking to anyone on a regular basis...i have got used to people being around me now, talking to people on a daily basis, and for me, an out and out introvert, this talking to be people has me away from my core. You see, I get my energy from inside, and talking to others, i have started getting addicted to getting the energy from them, from the outside...and since that is easy to get, i don't really give my own inner energy time...too abstract, well let me explain. In the past i used to be a loner, not because i didn't like people, or didn't have things to tell them, just because my own ideas and thoughts were far more interesting...i would be engrossed in my own self...and that gave ride to a lot of theories, some of which i am proud of...
but as i came to bangalore and got more integrated into a usual life of friends and partying and spending money and lavish dinners, as i started talking to people, even thought he conversations were not meaningful and as deep as i would have liked, i got addicted to them, simply because they were an easy way to spend time, pass time rather. And today i look for those easy conversations, because i know if i don't get them i will have time to look inside and will have to confront that surge of bad thoughts before i come to the good ones, the inspiring ones. Still too abstract, can't help
so moving on...a friend, a girl, who on this blog has taken my case quiet a bit, and who i presume to be quiet different from the usual, mentioned the other day that 'affection is more important then love' and i couldn't really make sense of it at that time, of what she meant. Have been thinking ever since...People keep on telling me that love shove theek hai...shaadi ke baad sab khatam ho jaata hai, but people still do stay together, what keeps them together. As per Mr. Osho, its the pressure of society, the guilt of going away, but i don't really think so...we are too free and too selfish a species to give up our freedom just because of society. I think its affection, or what i have called habit. But both words have such a different tone to them, habit is so negative, habit is when you are unable to give up something because you can't see life without it, affection is because you love someone, you care for someone. I like affection.
As for habit, and affection for that matter, was watching 'i hate luv stories' okie dokie movie, nothing great, bad acting for sure, but this guy keeps on giving Sonam Kapoor a white flower everyday, and some other ritualistic crap. There was this scene in that DCH also, where a Aamir makes fun of Preity's BF. Well, i am one who run aways from cliches as much as possible, but ironically i do the same cliches in my own way...and i was thinking so what. Those ritualistic things which we do, they someone how give a sense of assurance. That daily goodnight, or that phone call every day at the same time, kind of gives you a feeling of belonging. It gives some sort of a structure to the day. It is a habit, but its not hurting. You just don't have to see it with those cynical eyes, and you won't even realize that you got into a cliched ritual...
what else...i should divide this into two posts, atleast increase the number of posts, even if i am talking nonsense...
my status today is fighting self on many fronts or sth...well giving up smoking, changing the way i live, the fact that life has always lead me, and now i am trying to lead it, fighting some of my most ingrained concepts...;i will not loose my dignity by complaining'...and a lot more...
so i realized, the fight is the hardest when you just start, and when it gets prolonged longer then you thought it would last. the best corollary is trekking...check the graph here to understand.
There are two types of races...one where you can see the finish line or the person you have to catch up with, and one where you just can't and you have to just give your best and hope that you win...i am only good at the former? i need to see my goal, i need to see my competition...but the second is so much better. you are not comparing urself to anyone...you are giving your best...i am not sure if the possibility of you winning is higher or not, but at the end you atleast know that you gave your best. Also only in such races is there a possibility of you going way beyond the finish line...don't know if this made sense, but after a full page of crappy funda baazi, i did come up with something which redeems the post for me...
till next time (which hopefully is this year ;-) )
take care
ank
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