fear...

i mostly am not a scared person, i take risks, have risked my life quite a few times, and although have always been lucky, never close to dying. and i always believed that there is not much which i fear.

i had an accident sometime back, which, if all the stars were right, would have killed me. and killed me on spot, which is how i and most others want to die, in a jiffy, no time to think. anyways happened late at night, while driving my activa, on not so lonely a road. i was on a high, and driving quite rash, but the accident happened because someone else took offence on me overtaking him, and in a very manly second of road rage hit me from behind. he didnot have the upbringing to stop and see what happened, but am sure must be checking the newspapers next morning to see if there was a story about a 25 year old killed on the airport road.

anyways i fell, guess was unconscious for an unknown number of what seemed to me milliseonds but looking at peoples reactions must surely be more, and then got up and walked on. few people helped, we even had a small laugh, i checked my self, and well walked on. a broken arm, bruises on all the points which usually get bruied, but otherwise fine. took my activa and drove home. has happened before, and hopefully will happen again, so no worries.

and then the fear hit me. i was actually scared. couldn't sleep all night, not because my body was paining, but because i was scared, and if u have felt this kind of fear, u can actually feel it in ur heart, it doesn't quicken your pulse, or make you anxious, nope, its just hovers over your head like a cloud... well that night friends (the sitcom, not the living thingies who should be there for u when you need them and all that bull) saved me. saw a marathon run of about 6 episodes, and finally went to sleep.

couldn't drive for a month, and people said that u anyays won't drive fast now, u'll be too damn scared. i, with the minimscule amonut of maleness that i have, brushed if off, well has happened to me before, will happen again, doesn't really affect me. but it did...

i have stopped being an instintive driver now, now, i look, question and reconfirm my instincts, which by the way has made me a worse driver. and i was wondering why,,, so here comes the funda, no clarity here though.

when i happened before, i guess, i knew there was someone to take care of me. went a full day with a fractured, swollen ankle, and didnot pay much heed, because i knew dad will take care of me. there would be someone to take me to a doctor, to support me and all. but this time was alone, i dressed myself, cleaning my wounds (and btw Savlon stings...stings bad), holding my left wrist in my right hand, all the time checking to see if there was swelling. and was wondering, if i died on the road, who'd know. this time around there was no hand on my head. one of managers father passed away, and i asked how does it feel, and he says, well, there is no hand over my head now, and if u haven't realised it till now, you soon will what that means. anyways thats one.

secondly, and this actually is quite contradictory, i today don't have anything to loose. except for my parents there is really no one in whose heart my death will create a vacumm, people will remember, but nope, life will go on for them as usual. last time around there was atleast one more person. but the point is, i am not attached to anyone, still had this fear crop up, i don't know how to explain that. maybe my core is still very selfish.

also this time around someone actually did something knowingly, it didnot happen naturally, but was forced by someone, and i guess till now i have not ever encounter human wrath, natures wrath is fine, because u don't understand the reason behind it, its out of you control, it something more, infinitely more powerful then you, and also because you believe that its not unfair, but a human taking out his/her wrath hurts, makes me fearful.

anyways sorry for the really long and descriptive blog, surely doesn't follow the rules of a good blog, u had to scroll down right!!!

well till the next accident (and i truly believe everyone should have one, its the best time to know a lot of things, who ur real friends are, how much pain can you take, how you react...et al)

take care

PS, two fundas i forgot to mention - a risk is a risk only if you know the consequences, if you don't its just your folly. and also for an accident to happen, both parties must be at fault, its quite impossilbe for one party to cause an accident on its own, its like anything else in life, everyone involved is responsible for it happening, to a varying degree maybe, but everyone is.

......

almost a year down...and i have started driving as fast as i used. well but yea...have that instictive fear in me now. guess once it goes into your core...difficult to kick it out. the only way out is to get used to the habit, its just a thought, a fleeting feeling, leaves you soon. just have to control ur head and let it pass.