basic builds of the sexes...!

there are some basic natures, basic instincts, its in our DNA and cannot be changed, at least not in this iteration...maybe in the next 100 generations it might, and even today it is changing, becoming less evident then it used to be but is still there.

and at the gender level, its the most evident.

both sexes have a very basic nature, if u peel away the layers, right down to the core, the basic requirements and offerings are the same.

females require security, not only for them but also for their children from a male, and they would sacrifice and compromise on everything else, career, ambitions, dreams about almost everything, to get that.

Males require support for what they do, backing and reinforcement in form of appreciation, for all they do.

i have seen girls who are damn ambitious, would fight for every mark in college, would dream about getting the most salaries, and study, and use all methods possible to get it, would be really diplomatic and hardworking, to make sure they progress and reach their goals, and girls as capable as they are and as good at they are at handling the other sex, they always progress faster then guys do. but the same girls once they get married, which by the way is one of the basic dreams, once that dream is fulfilled are happy to compromise, actually they don't even compromise, because that's something u do consciously, they are happy to live the less ambitious life, be a home maker (n in today's world it means taking care of the home, hubby and also doing a job which i don't think any of guys would ever be able to manage). but they don't stay as ambitious, as focused on personal progress, many let go of their bodies, which they were obsessed with earlier, many live a life of gossip, which they wouldn't earlier. its a basic instinct.

a guy, looks for backing. i have seen and been a guy, who would be the happiest when doing things for his better half, for his love, his wife. and if it is appreciated, if he see it making a difference to better half's live, nothing would make him happier. its a basic and very core build in him. even for his ambitions, he wants enforcements, he wants to be pushed by his love to even achieve the dreams and ideas which are as such his. the girl, gives that push, because at a very sub conscious level, she knows, achieving those dreams will give her more security.

these are basic animal natures, and as much as we progress, try to change it, at some corner these natures always rule us. how ever parochial this sounds, how ever mcp'ish this sounds, its true.

its also a reason of many conflicts, because we are trying to change our basic architecture. there is nothing wrong with it, it should be done. but the problem is that the female sex is moving faster in this direction then their counter parts. girls are chaining their cores, they want everything, they was a good married life and also are ambitious about their careers now, they are moving slow, and many instances of the female sex give up because of the beatings of life, but some do go ahead. the problem is that guys are not moving forwards, they still think that they are the providers and still have this basic need for appreciation.

the idle situation will be when there is not difference between a girl and a guy, in a relationship, when one needs support the other provides it and is appreciated, when both can be vulnerable at one point, and provide strength at the other. the problem with this idle situation is what when both require support, or when both are successful and require to be appreciated. in the past, it always used to be the guy who was successful, and who would provide the support, that's why guys were told 'never to cry'. and so it worked well, i am not saying that's how it should be, that's not how it should be, but at least the roles were defined. now in the new idle situation, the roles will not be defined, and so their will be conflicts,

as for me, i'd rather be in the roles not defined world with conflicts, rather the being the provider at all times. i want to be the 'weaker sex' at some things, and want to be with some one who can be the 'weaker sex' at other times.

lets see...

take care

PS...this is a blog which has come, after a long time, has come out of my heart, have been thinking about this for long, and the idle situation is close to replacing the male instincts as a basic core build, but don't think will every be 100%...it all comes down to what u can make ur peace with, what kind of life u can live with. it u don't live that life, and don't make peace with the life ur living, it will simply suffocate you.

ankur

cystal clear moments...!

ever been at those forks where u can clearly see both paths and where they lead. where the clarity of the results of the decision u take scares you. where what is going to happen is so certain, u wonder whether to take the decision at all.
evern done the mistake of ur lifetime, knowing that its gonna be a mistake, knowing that its gonna change life for the worse and its never gonna be the same again. and still taken the wrong road...the down hill no halts till destruction kinda road.
ever knew something was so right that it was just unbelievable. where u knew there are no other options, no other choices, no where else to go.
well... if u do, ur lucky. i am...
take care

the two 'ts

habits and guilts ie, one leave u stationary and the other makes u move faster then you would like to, and in a direction you won't want to go.

habits are formed over time, and they might simply come out of doing something repeatedly, even if you don't like it. but you still keep on doing it, inertia, spoke about it in one of my previous blogs. anyways habits can be about anything, smoking is a habit and so are people u don't really love but are still with. both are as injurious to health.

habits make u dependant, even if u wanna get out of it, just the fear of leaving the known and going towards something unknown would not let you break out of it.

do all habits harm, well they do, they don't let you move forward, or sideways, or even backwards. ur stuck in the same old life. they do give u stability, but well, too much of stability makes a person unstable, so...

break out of habits, its not that difficult, just getting out of the intertia is and then keeping on that path for sometime. after some time you don't even miss the habit, and frankly, if ur a true person, every time u think of the habit, and if it was not a good one at heart, like the 'love' ur with who u really don't love which makes it cheating, well u feel guilt...

and well guilt, ah they rule don't they, everything and anything you do is out of guilt. its either guilt of not being/doing what is expected, of hurting people, of just not doing what we are supposed / expected to do and all other such crappy reasons. the problem with doing things out of guilt is that we never do it out of our own hearts, and anything which is done without putting ur heart in, or which comes out of any place except for the heart, is never fully successful, never perfect. it can never cause bliss, or as put in marketing terms, consumer delight.

so don't do things out of guilt, how to handle the guilt, well be truthful, own up to it and you should be fine. never carry guilt in your heart, it eats you up from inside. even more then cigs do, believe me.

so that was that, now what???

back to work now!!!

chalo take care.

fear...

i mostly am not a scared person, i take risks, have risked my life quite a few times, and although have always been lucky, never close to dying. and i always believed that there is not much which i fear.

i had an accident sometime back, which, if all the stars were right, would have killed me. and killed me on spot, which is how i and most others want to die, in a jiffy, no time to think. anyways happened late at night, while driving my activa, on not so lonely a road. i was on a high, and driving quite rash, but the accident happened because someone else took offence on me overtaking him, and in a very manly second of road rage hit me from behind. he didnot have the upbringing to stop and see what happened, but am sure must be checking the newspapers next morning to see if there was a story about a 25 year old killed on the airport road.

anyways i fell, guess was unconscious for an unknown number of what seemed to me milliseonds but looking at peoples reactions must surely be more, and then got up and walked on. few people helped, we even had a small laugh, i checked my self, and well walked on. a broken arm, bruises on all the points which usually get bruied, but otherwise fine. took my activa and drove home. has happened before, and hopefully will happen again, so no worries.

and then the fear hit me. i was actually scared. couldn't sleep all night, not because my body was paining, but because i was scared, and if u have felt this kind of fear, u can actually feel it in ur heart, it doesn't quicken your pulse, or make you anxious, nope, its just hovers over your head like a cloud... well that night friends (the sitcom, not the living thingies who should be there for u when you need them and all that bull) saved me. saw a marathon run of about 6 episodes, and finally went to sleep.

couldn't drive for a month, and people said that u anyays won't drive fast now, u'll be too damn scared. i, with the minimscule amonut of maleness that i have, brushed if off, well has happened to me before, will happen again, doesn't really affect me. but it did...

i have stopped being an instintive driver now, now, i look, question and reconfirm my instincts, which by the way has made me a worse driver. and i was wondering why,,, so here comes the funda, no clarity here though.

when i happened before, i guess, i knew there was someone to take care of me. went a full day with a fractured, swollen ankle, and didnot pay much heed, because i knew dad will take care of me. there would be someone to take me to a doctor, to support me and all. but this time was alone, i dressed myself, cleaning my wounds (and btw Savlon stings...stings bad), holding my left wrist in my right hand, all the time checking to see if there was swelling. and was wondering, if i died on the road, who'd know. this time around there was no hand on my head. one of managers father passed away, and i asked how does it feel, and he says, well, there is no hand over my head now, and if u haven't realised it till now, you soon will what that means. anyways thats one.

secondly, and this actually is quite contradictory, i today don't have anything to loose. except for my parents there is really no one in whose heart my death will create a vacumm, people will remember, but nope, life will go on for them as usual. last time around there was atleast one more person. but the point is, i am not attached to anyone, still had this fear crop up, i don't know how to explain that. maybe my core is still very selfish.

also this time around someone actually did something knowingly, it didnot happen naturally, but was forced by someone, and i guess till now i have not ever encounter human wrath, natures wrath is fine, because u don't understand the reason behind it, its out of you control, it something more, infinitely more powerful then you, and also because you believe that its not unfair, but a human taking out his/her wrath hurts, makes me fearful.

anyways sorry for the really long and descriptive blog, surely doesn't follow the rules of a good blog, u had to scroll down right!!!

well till the next accident (and i truly believe everyone should have one, its the best time to know a lot of things, who ur real friends are, how much pain can you take, how you react...et al)

take care

PS, two fundas i forgot to mention - a risk is a risk only if you know the consequences, if you don't its just your folly. and also for an accident to happen, both parties must be at fault, its quite impossilbe for one party to cause an accident on its own, its like anything else in life, everyone involved is responsible for it happening, to a varying degree maybe, but everyone is.

......

almost a year down...and i have started driving as fast as i used. well but yea...have that instictive fear in me now. guess once it goes into your core...difficult to kick it out. the only way out is to get used to the habit, its just a thought, a fleeting feeling, leaves you soon. just have to control ur head and let it pass.

freakonomics...?

Jug Suraiya, a very accomplised writer is a regular columnist for the Sunday Times, mostly writing on the small weirdieties/incidents of life which mostly everyone misses, but requires a very strong power of discerning observation. heres an article by him, which explains the coming back of the retro, and i believe explains a phenomenan which would be very difficult to even notice. its in the same general area as the new freakonomics, but states only the thesis and not the proof...
this new freakonomics phenomenan, which explains the smaller things in life by using maths and science, seems far more useful then the science and maths that we learn. it explains life and can go a long way in changing it, a long way in we able to understand and control it. its supposedly a new phenomenan but what was explained by John Nash (a beautiful mind fame), wasn't it in the same lines. Explaining game theory, which is a very natural phenomenan using mathematics. it was something which was already happening, but was made understandable and thus usable.
come to think of it many of these freakonomis era phenomenan, after they are brought to notice seem so natural and logical that they donot require any proof, but because of its simplicity and also because of our general attitude to miss out on the small things, are never discovered.

here is the article, can't put in the link but can be found at epaper.timesofindia.com, published on Jan 19th.

Take care.

SECOND OPINION
Not elitists but neo-casteists hate Nano
Jug Suraiya
Ratan Tata’s Nano has, predictably, hit a caste barrier. While being enthusiastically, indeed euphorically, welcomed by its target audience — archetypically characterised as a middle-class family of husband, wife and two children, perched on a two-wheeler, exposed to the vagaries of sun and rain, from which Tata heroically wishes to rescue them by providing the comfort and safety of an affordable four-wheeler — the ‘people’s car’ is reportedly inducing ‘nightmares’ in environmentalists and urbanologists, allegedly because of the exponential rise in pollution and road congestion the Everyman auto will cause. This reaction has been deemed as ‘elitist’; it could more appropriately be described as ‘casteist’. Elitism, as a concept (you are as good as you can make yourself), is based on meritocracy and as such its proper place is in a dynamic, or would-be dynamic, society. Casteism (you will always be what you are born into no matter what you try to make of yourself) finds its entrenched place in a static, or would-be static, society. For example, IITs, or IIMs, are meant to be elitist; dynamic meritocracies. Caste-based reservations will turn them into static statusbestowers, and nothing more. True elitists should welcome the Nano, for it suggests that — finally — the country might be getting into top gear and that all, and not just a privileged few, of us could one day be elite. Most importantly, a true elitist believes that the problems of social change — including those of pollution and congestion — are amenable to solutions, be it in the form of hybrid cars, better road use, or other products of ‘elitist’ thinking. The negative response to the Nano springs from neo-casteism. Those who oppose the Nano not only have their own non-people’s (often chauffeur-driven) limousines, but these limousines frequently ferry them to and from international airports which they whizz through to attend seminars on global warming, carbon emissions and sustainable development (we’ll do the developing; you can do the sustaining). In fact, the other great bete noire of technological casteists apart from the Everyman car are Everyman cheap air fares. If the Rs 1 lakh car debases the car-owner caste, cheap air fares debase the coterminous caste of frequent flyers. Since both the Nano and cheap air fares are here to stay, what will technological casteists do to preserve their caste purity? One answer could be that they’ll go retro. Years ago, Nancy Mitford writing about England — a society perhaps more casteist than India, at least where language and pronunciation are concerned — showed how the ‘U’ (upper castes) responded when the ‘non-U’ (non-upper castes) encroached upon the ‘U’s’ traditional linguistic prerogatives. When the non-U began to ape the U usage of French-based words like ‘perfume’, ‘toilet’, and ‘serviette’, the U promptly went back to the hitherto non-U counterparts: ‘scent’, ‘lavatory’ (or ‘loo’), and ‘napkin’. When the non-U presume to become U, it’s time for the U to become non-U, at least selectively. To an extent this has already happened in India. Though a diamond-drenched Mayawati eating Black Forest pudding on her birthday has yet to prompt the Indian U from dropping De Beers and European confectionery in favour of mangalsutras and desi mithai, various forms of ‘ethnic chic’ have made inroads into Indian citadels of neo-casteism. Polyester (in the 1950s the preferred fabric of the haute monde, today the wash-’n’-wear choice of the aam janta) is out; handloom cotton, preferably organically grown, is in. Fizzy colas are out; ‘vernacular’ alternatives like chhachh and aampanna (even Coke is planning to make it) are in. Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse are out; Little Hanuman is in. Ratan Tata should do a favour for those who’ve turned their thumbs down for his Nano: make for their exclusive use an authentically ethnic, authentically retro and environmentally upper caste designer bullock cart called Indigobar. It might be a bit slow. But heck, what with all those Nanos choking the roads, who’s going anywhere fast, anyway.

Global leaders, India???

So was reading this article by some prof of socio politico economics in some firang uni. Was pushing India to take a leadership role in world politics, specifically spreading democracy around the world, we being one of the largest n relatively successful democracies in the world n all.

so two thoughts here...

are we really successful in being a democracy??? Cynics n the more practical in the world who donot always see everything as rosy as it seems like to call us a functioning democracy. N its so true. We have all the freedom here but are we using it the way we should? We have free 'fair' elections but hardly any worthwhile candidates to vote for. We have given a lot of freedom to people who do not have the maturtiy n sense to choose...in that way i believe regulation in all aspects is good. Like in film industry, u can't let everyone watch porn although there is this theory that if u do distribute porn freely and widely, it reduces the number of rapes but that aside, reglation in a very ignorant and selfish society is a must. and also the point whether we should give the right to choose a leader to those who can be easily swayed by materialistic means. and does or can democracy actually work for a county as big as ours, i belive democracy is ideal for medium countires, because here, an individuals voice doesn't count, its gets lost, even if its the making most sense. think of it, the 20-80 rule works here as well, 20% have the most valid thoughs but 80% are the loudest, and in a democracy, loudest get heard, always.

N second point, rather though, we need to take a leadership position, agreed, but then its not in indie blood to take initiatives. we are a suppressed society n more in our heads then others suppressing us. we always question our selves, are we right, do we have a right to speak, n will anyone hear us. We have not confident enough. We look for outsiders to give us work, n then follow. Unless ofcourse its our interest then we fight, recent Bali debates are an example. But we donot take initiative for unselfish reasons, atleast those which seem to do us no good in the shorter distance, (and we as a country can't see long term, we lack the foresight required). But thats the only way to get global leadership. Meddle in other peoples problems. Find solutions for problems if none exist or solutions are not required. its like Microsoft, make a product which has not demand, and then sell it...

--------------

On the iphone

a billion strong!!!

Blogging after a long time and kinda drunk. Am at my office year end party n people this company knows how to party...there's everything from hukka to an open bar to vodka paani puri!!!
but the point of the blog is that i was standing in a queue for the loo n this guy walked in with a very surprised look n i said queue's every where. N he says, over population and i go thinking, aren't we here because of it..!
attended a thing long time back. The people, a group from delhi said population would be our saving grace, n i was like what the fuck. Well their prophecy came true, we have so many people, even if we have one percent successful we as a nation would have more money then most other countires. and we have enough people to send to other countires to work and conquer without worrying about loosing a lot and emptying our own land. Its like a war, bigger armies always are difficult to defeat...
its amazing how you get unexpected results out of mistakes.
Lucky aren't we....
-------------------
On the Iphone.

discovering UnDiscovered...

PS: ever seen those movies, or songs or books or simply things that u just wanna write about, share with people, tell people. which when u do share with someone, and don't get that same passionate response, or understanding, wonder why, how can this person not like it. well i have a long list of those, and have been thinking of starting a 'list' and this movie made me, thus the name. so here goes...
(now i understand why orkut and other such 'social' sites have these in the first place, always wondered...)

UnDiscovered...
after a long long time, discovered (how ironic) a late night movie which i loved. most of these things come to me when i least expect it and somehow very late at night. undiscovered is a tale of aspiring artists in LA, thats what IMBD says, but its just a love story set in that. its funny, i loved the dog roller skating, and is very very soft and quite realistic. least expected to see such a movie based in LA, well it starts off in NY and u'd expect a movie like this to be set there. its a nice heart warming story, with the usual coincidences and chasing the girl all the way to the airport (although here the dude has to get a ticket and go into the flight...)claps at the end etc etc... cliched i know but its the treatment which sets it apart. watch it...one of those rare movies which mostly get missed. come to think off it, there can be very few basic love plots right, its all about the situations which set them apart.
take care.
PS: the one above is the pre-script...if ur wondering. also the link to the movie is here - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0434424/

random...

thoughts...lots of things going on, but just thoughts.

can a person be bad in real life but blog beautifully?? wondering...

dreams, pointers to ur state of mind. what is better, getting nightmares or the total lack of dreams, can't decide.

one day at a time, no future, try to disconnect from the past, one day where even the day is not defined.

enjoy experiences, all experiences, enjoy pain, enjoy hurt, enjoy bad and good memories, enjoy fights. float a level higher, hover and get a view of your life, u'll enjoy it.

why is the past so clingy, why is it difficult to get beyond its reach. why isin't the future more magnetic, or is it for some people, depends on just how ur..?

why is patience so scarce, why is understanding so scarce, why is empathy absent..?

why can't i let go, why can't i delete my experiences when i want to, why can't i achive them somewhere, which i can retrive only when required to guide me, but ignore when i wanna fly...
but who decides whether i wanna fly or be chained down...not me for sure.

should i increase the size of my font as demanded or should i do what i want??? or just advice people to highlight and read, is easier, thats what i do to read my own blogs...

a whole lot of crap i know...should i let it stay and make is unmarketable, or just stick to my OCD of writing what comes to my head, without trying to make it more marketable, let it stay pure.

should i stick to my OCD of giving credit to people who i borrow from or antagonise them by mentioning them. i guess the first, am anyways not read widely. so thanks r for OCD.

take care people...
.
ank

gifts...

on 59th street subway station, coming back from apple store - sept 26th

lots of people love receiving gifts. it surprises them, makes them feel good, mostly because they feel someone cares enought to give enought thought n go through the pain of selecting a gift for 'em.

Very few actually like giving figts. enjoy the process of gifting. Its a small projects, giving the perfect gift the which if like gives a high.

many gift what they percieve the FTLOABW giftee would like, many gift stuff that they want the giftee to have. i usually am the latter (fits with my selfish nature) n i have known somone who is the former (she was the one who made me realise i was slefish) i have seen people who go all out to get taht perfect gift, not bothering whether their relation with the giftee is dear enough. Putting it bluntly, its to make u feel good or maybe take ur head of sth.

some tyr to substitue their inability of showing emotions with presents, some try to eleviate their guilt, some want to emphasize their love n care. some just want to prove it. their are very few who gift to make life special, bring a smile...n that too at few occasions. i haven't seen many pure gifts, but then their r anyways very few things in life pure enough.

that's all i have to say about that...except for what kind ru? N whats ur hidden reason...

Take care

PS: can't be complete withoug a PS can i... I haven't recieved a pure gift since ages, ever i guess. No one has even given a selfish gift for long...

designing experiences

There is nothing extra special about the places tourist usually visit in US. We have older, more majestic n beautiful PTUV. N we have older more relevant n more meaningful stories backing them up. But what they have r better experiences, which give u an illusion of a bar better experience then it actually is.
Customer delight is what it is known as in marketing parlance. The way it is designed, taking u right to the edge of a waterfall, actually facing the fall battering you right on the face, getting wet inspite of the free ponchos, that feeling of an experience of a lifetime, is all designed for u.
but only few realise that these r exp. created for u. that only a trek through ardous trails to get to a waterfall, totally exhausted and bruised gives u the exhiliration n sense of achievement which is unmatched. the kind u wanna tell people about, that i missing here. adventures here r commodotised.
have to give ti to 'em for being such amazing marketers. Kotler, an American to the core is right, all that is needed is innovation and marketing. all else can be outsourced!!!
take care.

the gandhi way...

Many times its a better startegy to appeal to the conscious of the general janta. Two tour guides dealing with us habitually late Indians... One shouts n scolds, the other understands calmly, even empathizes. The first gets scorn n makes people rebellious, the other actually generates guilt. Won't do any good to state an observation, have to analyse right... Where does each method work... Well how much time have u got. appealing to the camotosed consicous takes time n patience n once u got it, need preservations, constant enforcement.
N the jant ur using it on. Doesn't work with habitually shameless people. well its does but takes time n a lot of reinforcement. Just realised its the Gandhi method.
Later, Take care...!

experinecing women...!

well the title was supposed to get u to read it, nothing weird in the post though. this is just a bit of the american marketing shock and awe rubbing off me.

anyways, everytime i see women doing jobs which they traditionally have not being doing, and are not expected to do by the larger world, i somehow awes me. primarily because its something new, and also because they mostly are very good at what they do.

a bus conductor in the crowded BEST buses, if u have travelled in them u know what crowded is, the conductor moves from the front door to the back to collect the tickets, handling the change and handing out the tickets. it, to me seems an impossible job which would make anyone frustrated. i once came across a female conductor, who even with people brushing again her (u'd expect women to be sensitive to it) was totally comfortable, even though people were not very polite, always had a subtle smile on her face, was quicker in dispensing the tickets,

it seems women enjoy their jobs more then men do, they get more of a satisfaction, more of a proud feeling doing their jobs. could be because they are not expected to do these jobs, and the fact that they are makes them feel proud. it shows int he way they work, they give their 100 percent, and value add as well. the conductor giving advice to people on how to get to their destination, the barber, who i have to say was amazing, didn't give me a great cut, but the experience was great. and it was so because of the way she treated me, she understood how i wanted my hair, when she though i was in doubt, she reassuringly say "don't worry will give u a nice cut" although was not fearful about what kind of cut i will get, that made me relax like nothing. at the end when they put the mirror at the back of ur head to show the cut at the back, she holds the mirror momentarily, and suddenly says sorry, reached for my glasses which were on the table in front of me and hands them over to me to put them on, absolutely mind blowing. i was amused, touched and amazed, thats heights of thoughtfulness, amusing because of the fact that everytime when some barber asked me to check my back cut, i simple nodded, not having the patience to pick up my glasses, without seeing anything.

i was wondering why more woemn donot get into this profession or into cooking, i mean, it comes to them naturally right, they have far better sense of design, of sizes and shapes, of symmetry, are far more detailed in their outlook. so why not??

this is a draft..but stil publishing, will make it right soon.

take care.

why go back..?

one series of questions i am asked often here is whether i like it better then india, whether i wanna come back, and some close people end up asking if i wanna settle here. my usual answer is i don't know, what i actually mean is i don't care. life for me in india or here is the same, i find beauty everywhere and thats what counts.

a lot of desi's here unabashedly participate in a lot of india bashing, and sometime back i enumerating to myself what i like about here, the space i get, the convinience of life, the egalitarian attitude, the compulsive desire to be different, and the constant innovation which come out of it, and so on, and then i suddenly thought, what do i like about india. whats so good about my country which makes me compulsively defend it.

and i have been thinking ever since...

india is the exciting, life there takes sudden turns, every moment lived in my country is an adventure, which comes out of lack of everything good. every place is differnt, and not subtlely different, glaringly different. attitudes, designs, perspectives, all are different, and this difference makes people accepting, it makes people more accepting of diversity. here people are not accepting, they just don't care, thats why u feel u have that space. which is better, i don't know.

what most of the india bashers forget is that india is india because of indians, (thats why even queens feels like india) so calling urself desi is abusing urself.

i have believed this for sometime now, india is the future, just need to stay back n enjoy the ride. i am ready to, are u. do u want to live in a society where everything has happened, or do u wanna be part of something...

take care.

causes...

a 31.5 hour day; a 60 min call, and a 15 min follow up; small expectation; and them getting fulfilled; cake all over; a stained hugo boss shirt; washing a stained hugo boss shirt; nice weather; and the NY skyline; light past midnight rain; loud soft music; long walk; lots of smoke; lots of wishes; spamming sessions; unlocking and relocking; beautiful pics; tej in the eyes; new expressions; many cards; most arriving before the day; margarita mix and vodka; attitudes; percieved subtle power struggles; fading memories; and their struggle to persist; no baggage; cancelled meetings; hot machine coffee; bad imitation of oprah winfrey; friday; no resolutions, maintain as is... ; end of the worst year; peace or atleast a hint of it...

i don't know what caused it, but its a good day.

happy birthday....
take care.

live n let live...

if only would actually do it.

alter egos, and soul mates, have u met urs???

labeled...

they are everywhere, labels, everyone of us has it. think about it ur name is a label, it tell everyone where ur coming from, what caste ur, and to the more discerning of people, a hell lot more. whats ur nature, what can be ur possible occupation, what ur good at, what ur not. bengali hai to will be a critical thinker, and thats where it ends, gujju hai to has to have a good business mind, androids have to be brainy, punjus have to be good showpeople, good at marketing...

libra hai to has to be a good judge, cancer has to be emotional, scorpion has to be secretive.

and labels are everywhere, the school ur came from is a label, the company u work for is a label, the book ur currenly reading is a label.

label are so in use because they help simplify life, pass on information in form of collective knowledge. thats how people living at the other end of the country, who have never been to delhi, hate delhites. labels are one word defnitions, which tell so much about a person, and most of this is derived from history of many people who shared that common label.

my problem with being labeled is that it assumes a lot, even if 80% of what ur is defined by the label, it doens't describe u in ur entirety. and then that uniqueness of u is lost.that 20%, or maybe even that 1%, labels never let u dig deeper into a person, u think u know someone just because u know their label. but then u don't know whats different in them and what made them different from fellow labels of the same kind.

don't let labels let u assume everything, it can be a good guide, but thats all. need to understand deeper, to know if the label is true and to what extent. i hate being labeled anything, i hate belonging to any label, hate being called a bong or a gujju or a north indian, being called an indian, not that i am not proud of being an indian, but what do u mean when u call someone an indian, they come regularly late, they do not obey laws, well most don't but that doesn't mean i don't either. but as soon as i am called an indian, its assumed that i am all that a typical indian is, well frankly there is no typical indian, there is no typical anything. stereotypes donot exist.

chalo take care.

triggers..

have seen urs or someones state of mind change suddenly, bad to good or other wise. well its not suddenly, but yea, a mood which as persisted for some time changes over a very short period of time, and it seems suddenly. well thats triggers.
it could be a smile from someone, a song heard at full volume, a long walk, a cup of coffee or just an observation. but its amazing how it changes the rest of ur day, before u come back.
it in no way changes the state of affairs in your life, but for that short period u start feeling different, looking at things differently.
question is can you trigger something for urself, or has to be always external. does someone have to shoot u for u to die, not necessarily, can do it on ur own. but is difficult.

once u start understanding ur own triggers, it makes life more manageable. or atleast understandable.
we are so affected by what happens around us, even introverts, or actually more so introverts.

well writing about introverts, have to say this, its about time i defended my kind, people so misunderstand introverts, introverts = sadists, introverts = quite sad mysterious freaks, well not really. to some extent yes, the best defn i found of an introvert is people who get energy from inside, from within. they need time with themselves, because their thoughts n observations are more important and interesting to them then anything else. most of the other things attributed to introverts are not because of introvertness, but other stuff..

aloo, and might write in detail about this someday, i saw this movie ages ago, full circle or something, can't find it on google though, but it exists (amazing how we think that if its not on google its not out there...) anyways, talks about this girl who gets raped when in college, and then even though in love, can't get over it and loses her love. but ultimately her life comes a full circle, and she finds herself standing where she started.
there is also this concept of history repeating itself. and my concept of second chances.
anyways the point is, its true, life is a circle, more so a spiral, whether ur going up or down, thats ur state. and yea history repeats itself, not in the fine print maybe, but yea, in the macro pic, all of this happens. u just should have the time and awareness to see it. so its actually beneficial to learn from ur and ur parents and ur grandparents mistakes, don't change how u live, but please do pay some heed to it.
and yea how ever much i hate it and am against the concept, it does apply to mixed marriages, mixing always has unexpected results.

i used to believe, u cannot change ur core, and almost everyone agreed on it with me, but i have realised u can, if u work on urself, u can lead ur life, how fast and wide the delta is, depends on how determined ur, how much control u have on ur head.

take care..
abrupt ending, i know... by the way am still trying to find out what triggered this sudden spate of writing after 17 days.

take care..!

have been sick for some time now, not too sick, but enough to bother me. and have realised the importance of having someone who cares, and pampers. am taking care of myself, but still feels good if someone asks, and cares. lessens the pain, gives a sort of security, or atleast an illusion of security.

i remember once had this acute pain in my ear, it immobilised me, couldn't even sleep, the nearest doc was about 20ks away, was kinda afraid to go alone. then a friend came along, and just the presence made it far better. in retrospect the friend didn't help much, but i myself got so much of confidence, i could handle it, and i also forgot the pain.

i was in allahabad, on a construction site, miles away from anywhere, and life was as bad as it can get. the only constant in life is ur life itself, it was a rut which seemed never ending. like going through a movie again and again...till the point where u start noticing the background because the scenes and dialogues are memorised. during that stay, a 58 year old career civil engg, who lived his life away from his family on such sites, whose entire day passed dreaming and dreading about his retirement told me to take care of myself, never fall sick because if u do, there will be no one to take care of u.

but don't u wish that day never comes, u always have someone whoes highest priority is u, and don't u want to be that for someone else too.

guess till you become parents, thats not gonna happen, especially if u have lost ur love.

by the way, and i might be repeating myself, but a person who has helped you when ur at ur vulnerable most, u never forget them, are always in debt.

take care.

ank

comfort zone...

i have heard many well traveled people crib about how americans are two faced, they are not true, well don't know about that. been here only couple of months which is a very short time for me to make such judgements.

but i have seen something about which a friend mentioned long time back, when she came to US. mentioned that people are too polite, they hold doors open for you, they apologize for no particular reason (the often heard 'excuse me' which seems to be the tongue tip term here). it sometimes gets on your nerve, becomes really irritating. but then thats because we come from a culture where u apologize and expect to be rewarded for it, where apologies are more of an obligation put on someone then an apology.

anyways i guess its about making someone comfortable, and not unnecessarily taking them out of their comfort zones. walking down the roads, never do people walk so fast that they bump into each other, there is always this gap between the crowds, ur bubble* is never pierced.

crossing the roads, even if the lights are red, if someone is walking across, the cabs, would stop for you to cross, even if ur stading on the sidewalk to cross, the cabs stop. and these are yellow taxis moslty driven by asians. on the freeways, even in a traffic jams, there is enough distance between vehicles for a bajaj scooter to park, well i guess in india, that would be the case.

in concerts, and i am comparing a van dyk concert here with aerosmith in india, people let you be, there is no pushing, no fears of falling over the rails. if u wanna go in front people let you, don't have to jostle along.

guess it all comes down to giving you space and not invading it unnecesarily... something i have always missed in india, if u have a sad expression, if ur not speaking as much as you usually do, if ur an introvert, well people there won't let you be. they wouldn't accept you, will poke u asking what happened, kya hua, and make sure u never come out of that mood.

so however two faced americans are, i atleast like this face of theirs, the face which gives people space, and which accepts people as they are.

and by the way, went to the restroom (which i guess is called so because people when they want some alone time or breaks, go into the stalls and sit on the pot) and realized the fact that these people who would try to maintain atleast a two inch bubble around them, and would not stare at people, whatever (smooching so much that they could end up making babies) they are doing, don't think anything about half open stalls, no partitions between urinals and locker rooms which are basically a combined term for open change rooms and showers. how ironic!!!

PS * the bubble thing is basically a theory about everyone having a bubble surrounding them, which defines their comfort zone, the space belonging to them. thats why we get all worked up if someone comes to close to us, or if someone is staring at us, the eyes pierces the bubble. and have u notices, u know it intuitively if someone has been staring, and the instinctive glare you give back, girls would know better.
and a collary is that u let only those people into that bubble u trust and love, thats why a significant others touch or coming close feels so good, u can feel the warmth.

underground - literally!!!

a dark, seamy, often hidden area or side: thats underbelly, and mumbai has it. well NY has its underground, literally. The city, which soars up into the skies, goes, if not as much, significantly deep. the subway which snakes through tunnels built ages ago, many times three level below surface, many times with a tunnel at each of these level, one above the another.
the steam shafts, under the roads, spewing and sometimes bursting, but surprising with their presence and the hissing they make. and then there are the basements, with the steel trap doors. extending into the sidewalks, which u walk over without noticing, unless they make that 'stop with unexpected surprise' clanging, which open only late nights, after the shops they are under close. and then u discover this old wooden ladder, or sometimes a beltway, and a dirty dirty window to what goes on underneath. and its not only the basements which peek out to the world, the steam pipes, the subways all have their openings.

It always amazes me how far can the americans see, imagine planning the growth of the city on both sides, imagine planning out a city where 50 storeyed buildings stand over hollow tubes, a hundred pipes of a hundred sizes criss crossing the city.

take care.

PS: and i know, surprises are always unexpected, but using only surprise didnot fully express the sentiment.